Silent
by DanielleJasperCullen
Summary: Hold me love me, tell me a secret. Bella Swan's silence has taken over her world and the death of her best friend keeps her trapped in the past.A brave Edward Cullen risks his secret to learn hers, only to learn one of the many secrets..... is love.
1. Support

(A/N: I hope you like and Review. Thanks.) 

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.

Pushing past, the greatest conflict of all, holding back, the greatest tears ever cried, the wasteful silence that fills the polluted air is life for me. I try my very hardest to forget, but I am cursed to remember, every sickening moment of my life, so vivid as if it were yesterday, so clear as if I was right there.. So scary. They tried to support me, to stick by me but there is no help, there is no cure, no instructions as to when things fall to tiny pieces and you cant even collect one of the pieces as it falls thru a crack in the gray sidewalk. And the hardest of all, is waking up each day just to find, that the piece is still missing, and you may have had a dream it had returned, but in reality you would never get it back, no matter how hard you try, its gone. She was my coffee my daily boost, got me going, and ready to go on my feet, she was my best friend, my other half, my sister. Its my fault, they say, they pulled me aside and pointed a special finger at me. It was truly and forever my fault. And they were right, we cant bring her back, and we wouldn't have to worry about her coming back, if we never lost her… if I had never did those things.

Flashback

'Murderer.' they all chanted in synchronization as I stood with my tray of food, looking for a place to sit in the cafeteria. I looked at all their faces, all there disgusted, angry, glares at me as I searched the room for help. They kept on chanting louder and louder, some banging the table, my ears becoming extremely sensitive and the banging making me jump and have the urge to cover my ears.

'Its your fault Bella.' a girl screamed at me and then I lost it, I dropped my tray and ran out of the cafeteria.

End of Flashback.

"Bella lets get going." Charlie grabbed my luggage as we stood in the middle of the air port. I shook my head to shake away the thoughts and a few loose tears. I followed Charlie out to the parking lot and to his police cruiser. Charlie was a cop, and I was a killer, how funny. Oh yes and I forgot to mention, I do not speak… at all, at any time. Its been this way for years, ever since the day of her funeral.. Shuddered at the memory as walked behind Charlie. Renee tried to get me help but with all the distractions and loud teenagers, leaving horrible notes at my door, threatening to kill me, the only thing she could really do to 'help' me was to send me to Charlie. I don't believe in help truthfully. I tried to before, but that quickly ended. From what I remember Charlie was a respectable man, he loved me I knew that, and I wish I could thank him properly with my words, but I cant. Every time I open my mouth to say something, I forget how to speak, literally, its like my brain cant process my actions fast enough. It didn't matter, I had nothing to say, and I am not convinced I ever will. So silence will do.

Soon after a fairly long ride Charlie stopped the car, but instead of a house, in a neighbor hood, we were outside in the parking lot of a hospital. I turned my body towards Charlie and he got my question.

"There is a doctor here, who has offered to help." He sighed, knowing I would disapprove. I held a straight face as he told me this, but the pang of anger that went off inside me, burnt like a wild fire. No one would accept that I am a freak, and I will stay a freak, I wont speak, so how will you help me, I wont 'open up' because I am eternally closed, I should be dead, I should be in jail. I killed my best friend. That's it. Let me be. I took a deep breath.

"I know you don't want to Bells." Charlie nodded.

"But please, trust me on this one." Charlie smiled weakly at me. I just looked back out the window at the gloomy setting. Trees surrounded the small hospital, along with low foggy clouds. I stared intently at the hospital as if I could make it all disappear with my mind, but if I was capable of doing that I would not be here.

"Lets not keep the man waiting." Charlie grumbled and began getting out of the car, as I did as well. I got out the car and shivered at the cold wind that touched my arm bringing me back to my memory of that horrid night. I shuddered at the memory trapped in side my head.

"Bella." Charlie called as he waited at the entrance of the hospital, I had dazed off. I shook my head and began walking up towards the building, and right before I entered I took a deep breath. Inside the hospital was not crowded, phones rang, some people walked back and forth, seemed like a normal hospital. Charlie walked up to the front desk and had a short conversation I could not hear from the door way. The lady nodded and then looked at me over Charlie's shoulder and smiled a friendly smile. I tried my best to return it but I'm sure it looked more like a grimace than a smile. I wasn't very good at smiling. Whatever Charlie said to her after that made her understand something but before I could analyze the situation, a doctor calling my name entered the room. The most handsome doctor I have ever seen. He had pale skin, and bright topaz eyes, like a golden color. He looked like a movie start, not a doctor, or maybe the lead roll in the show ER. Not a real ER.

"Bella?" He called again, and this time I raised my hand, so he would know, that Bella, was in the room.

"Ah." He smiled and began to walk over to me, so graceful, almost like a model.

"Bella, yes I'm Carlisle Cullen, can I talk to you in my office.. Just for a while." He gave me an option and I took advantage. I shook my head being honest, I could not talk to him in his office, nor did I want to.

"Alright, well can I sit out here with you?" He pointed to the chairs I was standing next to. I thought about it for a while, and for some reason he was different. Different in his looks definitely, he was inhumanly beautiful. But he wasn't like the doctors I knew, he didn't give the vibe the others physiatrist gave me. The feeling of awkwardness, or uselessness did not fill the atmosphere. Carlisle seemed to carry some kind of enthusiasm, that almost made me want to ask. Why are you so happy? What's your secret? How can I get to where you are?

"How bout it?" Carlisle asked again, not to pushy, still giving me the full decision. I nodded and took a seat in one of the chairs and in a nice manor, Carlisle sat a chair away from me. Giving me space I suppose. I did not mind, but it was very nice of him. I looked down at the tile on the floor and began to count, a habit I have.

"Bella," He began as I counted the tile on the floor.

"I don't want to force you to speak, actually I don't mind if you don't speak." He said and I wanted to hear more.

"I just want you to listen. Can you do that for me?" He asked again. Usually they make me do things, he kept asking me, putting the decision in my hands. I nodded again.

"Thank you. It means a lot to me Bella.. And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me." He continued. "And of course you don't have to tell me anything at all." When he said this I looked up at him, truth in his eyes, my eyes searching for the false in his words, but I found nothing. I looked back down at the tile.

"Here, take this. Its not a diary, its simply to help you communicate." Carlisle handed me a notebook, and a pen. I took it from him and looked at both of the items.

"You can take paper out of it, or use as a diary, or whatever you like." He assured me as I studied the notebook. It was simple and small. 'Just for communication.' I repeated in my head. I prayed I would not have to communicate. I prayed that people would just let me be here.

"Well Bella, its been a pleasure meeting you." Carlisle stood up, and I tilted my head in confusion. He looked at me with the same confused look. I clicked the pen and began writing in the notebook for the first time. '_That's it_?" I wrote and then showed it to him and he smiled.

"That's it Bella."

'_When do I come back_?' I wrote and then showed it to him.

"Whenever you like. Its all up to you." He answered that same truth in his eyes.

'_Why_' I wrote.

"Because if you come to me, something obviously is on your mind, and that's why I'm here. To help you with that. You aren't always going to have something to share Bella, and maybe you never will." Carlisle explained, and his answer made a lot of sense surprisingly. I just closed the notebook and stood up and walked out of the building hoping Charlie would follow, and take us home now. I walked out to the car and counted my steps on the way there, till I was standing looking at my reflection in Charlie's cruiser windows. I hadn't looked at myself in a while, my face looked pale, not as pale as Carlisle, the strange doctor, but still unusually pale. My cheeks, weren't even red, with blush, my hair was in a messy ponytail. I touched the window, as if to touch my reflection, the cold glass, made me shiver, and my reflection shivered. I felt anger suddenly, I wanted to hurt that girl in my reflection, I wanted to hurt her. She was a murderer, a no good piece of crud. I hit the cold glass, I hit it hard, I began hitting it again and again, harder and harder, my hand becoming red, with every hit. The cold glass banging against my little fragile hand. I slapped the glass I hit it.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice called a little worried. I was to busy, punishing the reflection. Feel you stupid girl FEEL! I yelled in my head and my hitting became more violent and low screams escaped my clenched teeth and I suddenly felt hands around my waste pulling me back.

No ! I screamed in my mind. Kill her ! I yelled in my head. The screams escaping my clenched teethe became louder and I started struggling more violently

"MMMMMmmmmmm!" I screamed and hit the air, I wanted so badly to hurt her, that girl in the reflection. She ruined everything my life, my plans. She ruined the person I could have bin.

"Bella stop!" Charlie demanded, but I couldn't. I couldn't, that monster, killed my life, killed my relation ship with my family friends, that person killed someone, my best friend. Charlie let go of me and I fell to the cold damp floor, I put my head in my hands. STOP make it STOP I screamed in my head. Tears started to fall from my eyes, and small sobs started coming from my mouth, this rarely happened, but I was having an emotional overwhelming day.

"Bella." Carlisle's voice was in my ear, and his ice cold hand was on my back. I pulled my head out of my hands and I reached for the pen and paper, that was half way under Charlie's cruiser. As I wrote tears fell on the page. I wrote 'I want to go home.' Carlisle nodded and patted my back.

"Charlie take her home, she wants to go home now." Carlisle told Charlie as I got up off the cold ground and waited for him to unlock the door. I heard the click and immediately got in the cruiser. I saw Carlisle and Charlie mumble a few things to each other and then Charlie got into the car and I hung my head as tears kept falling from my eyes. Great, my first encounter with someone here in Forks, and I already managed to have a breakdown in front of him. The ride, that I hope was to home, was quite, and awkward, my tears had stopped and I once again was numbed, all hope was gone, and I knew I would not be enjoying my life here in Forks. The great trees flew past as we drove to me to my new shelter. A new place to hide in, and wait for the all these quite days to pass.

The drive to the house was short, we got there in minutes.

"Here we are." Charlie smiled gloomily and got out of the car. As I got out of the car I noticed a big tree in the yard, It captured all of my attention for some reason, I was intrigued by its, lifeless green leafs hanging loosely on branches, and so branches bare and long like a skeleton.

"You like that tree?" Charlie looked at me from around the trunk, and then slammed it and walked towards me with all my bags. I nodded when he was looking at me.

"You like nature a lot?" He asked this time resting one of my bags on the ground. Before I answered I thought about it. After a while, I nodded.

"You could start a garden if you want." Charlie looked eager. "It would look nice." A garden, a pretty garden, with roses, daisies. I saw a garden like that before. I wanted one I did. I just nodded still deep in thought. Charlie started to walk towards the door with my things and I followed behind him.

"Things haven't changed much." I heard Charlie mumble as he opened the door to the house. I can remember a lot, more than I want to, but I did forget the structure of this house, the sudden fear I had, of being inside. What If I never left Forks with Renee, I would have never met Sandy, and the accident would have never happened, and I would be normal, and possibly happy. Soon I realized I was inside the house, the nice warm comforting house. Home I thought to myself. This was home now.

"Your room is upstairs if you've forgotten." Charlie nodded towards the stair case and began leading me up the stairs. I didn't remember any of it, it was all new, must felt some what like home. When I got into my room, I wasn't surprised, it wasn't anything strange or fancy, it was plain like me, simple.

"Here you are Bella." Charlie put down my bags. "I'll let you unpack in peace." Charlie walked out of my room. Living with Charlie should be easy considering he doesn't hover. I slowly walked over and sat on the bed, and bounced a little testing it out.

Flashback.

"Sandy give them back." I whined as Sandy ran with my shoes, I chased her down the street, both of us giggling uncontrollably as we ran further and further down the street.

"You know you're going to have to run faster Bella." Sandy panted.

"I'm sure I will catch up." I smiled and started to speed up.

"Why do you like them so much?" Sandy came to a sudden stop and I ran into her back and we both fell to the ground, I grabbed my shoes from her in the process.

"I like them because, it was the first pair of shoes I picked out… like my first step to independence." I shrugged, as we both breathed heavily, laying on the side walk.

"I wish I had something like that." Sandy sighed. "Wait I have Bella." She giggled.

"Oh Bella you were my first step to independence." She mimicked a manly voice and picked both of us up off the ground.

"Shut up." I laughed.

"What time is it?" She looked a bit worried.

"Time for you to get a watch HAHA just kidding its, 4:06." I nodded.

"Oh crap I got to go." Sandy quickly hugged me. "Oh and don't forget I'm coming over later to test your bed, you know for bouncy ness" She smiled.

"If you are referring to our sleepover later, then yes I shall see you later." I smiled. She began walking off.

"Don't try to make it a sleep over Bella, its strictly business!" She called back at me giggling, I rolled my eyes and walked the other way home.

End of flashback.

No one thought tragedy would strike and I would be sitting there at the bottom of the bridge covered in her blood, screaming for help, her last words repeating in my head over and over again.

"Your going to let me fall Bella." Sandy said as she stood at the edge of the bridge. "Your going to watch me die." She smiled.

"Stop it Sandy, your scaring me." I begged tears flowing down my cheeks.

"Everyone is going to think its your fault. Is it?" She asked me I couldn't answer the tears were to strong.

"Sandy stop!" I screamed.

"How could you betray me Bella , that's what really bothers me." She smirked at me as she paced back and forth on the thick railing at the edge of the bridge.

"I'm sorry Sandy, please stop." I cried. She stopped pacing and stared directly at me, her eyes narrowed and her hands fell to her sides.

"Bella, this is all your fault." She raised her hands and fell back wards off the bridge I ran to the railing and reached over hoping by some magic I caught her…… but then I heard smack.

"SANDY!" I screamed in sobs. I knew the others were watching somewhere far off. I heard a car start and drive off, that was probably them . I ran down the street to where the stairs were, I ran down the stairs and searched the dark for Sandy.

"Sandy!" I called. And then slipped on something, I fell to the ground and right next to me a pool of blood surrounding her, that I was sitting in. I pulled her body on my lap.

"Sandy, wake up!" I cried touching her bloody face, my hands getting covered in her blood. I put my head to her heart to hear if it was beating, but it was silent.

"Sandy STOP this isn't funny!" I yelled.

"HELP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Help." I sobbed.

I pulled out of the tragic memory to find my self on the wooden floor, breathing heavily, tears running rapidly down my cheeks. From this angle I could see under my bed, and I needed a distraction before I had a heart attack or did something stupid. I grabbed the first thing I saw with my shaky hands, it was a white box, covered with little white flowers. My breathing was still ragged and my hands shook violently. I ripped the lid off of the box, I pulled it closer to me to look inside, to get my mind on something else. I pulled out the first thing I saw and my jaw dropped, my hands stopped shaking and the tears stopped. It was a picture of Sandy and I, holding the cat we both bought and shared, her hand over my shoulder my arm around her and both of us smiling widely at the baby kitten in our laps.

"Willy." I smiled weakly, that was the cats name. I put the picture down and dug into the box again. This time I took out several pieces of papers, I looked at the papers and they seemed to be some kind of letters or notes. One paper said, 'things to do before you leave Bella from Sandy.' I was immediately interested. So I read what the letter said. It read :

Dear Bella,

Its of course me Sandy, and I do miss you a lot, but I want you to have fun in Washington. I have never been there, and I know you will be coming back soon, but I would like you to do something's before you leave.

- Jump up and down 5 times. Just kidding don't do that hehe.

-Go into the forest, (you said there was a lot of trees, so I assume there is a forest.) and pick one of the prettiest flowers you see, then rush it back home and keep it alive so you can bring it back to me as a souvenir.

-Try and find another Willy, if you are having trouble remembering Willy, was our cat. Get another one please, it was so fun when we had a cat !

-Tell one of your Washington friends you have a friend name Sandy, and tell them at least one funny story about us.

I stopped reading right there and put the letter down, I didn't want to read any further, I was already remembering to much for one day, I could feel myself about to draw the line. I put the letter back into the box and the box under the bed, I jumped to my feet and searched for the notebook Carlisle gave me. After throwing some stuff around I found the notebook and pen. I wrote the first thing I could think of and all I wanted to think of.

I wrote on the 3rd page:

_I found a piece of her under my bed. What do I do?_

**_(A/N: please review and tell me what you think. Thank you.)_**

**_Preview of next chapter: _**

**_If the sun wasn't up still, and I could do whatever I feel, as Charlie put it, I could go for a pointless walk, to nowhere. _**

**_Or somewhere. I didn't want to go to Carlisle empty handed and in a way I didn't want to go at all. But in a way I wanted to go, just to see if he hadn't disappeared. So I would go on a pointless walk doing a pointless task, 'checking' on Carlisle._**


	2. Mirrors

**(A/N: Pleas review and tell me what you think.) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. I am not Stephanie Meyers. **

Excellent colors of teal and white drops, melt down my window as it rains and makes little noise as it hits my window pane. I never was to fond of the rain, nor was I fond of snow, that just meant it was too cold for rain but it looked oh so beautiful today. As I stared out into the fog from my window, I dreamt with my eyes open. Its been three days since my arrival here in Forks Washington, Charlie was very concerned because I had slept 2 days, with out waking, but things like that happen all the time, I cant help it. The rain was so beautiful today, poring so hard, making everything so bright. I put my hand on the window and felt the cold glass against my palm, making me shiver. The feeling was amazing, the feeling of actually feeling something made me explode with joy. I love you rain I thought. I looked away from the rain for the first time this whole hour. It was 3:00pm, and Monday, Charlie said I didn't have to go to school till next week, so I was basically home alone with nothing to do. Or was there something. I slowly walked over to the rest room, each step the floor creaking slowly and loudly. I counted the 20 small steps it took me to the rest room and flicked on the light. It was my first time in here since the arrival. It was a bathroom, I needed to pee, its perfectly fine just don't look up. I walked over to the toilet but something I rubbed against fell down by the sink and I reached over to pick it up, catching a glimpse of my hand. I took in a sharp breath and lifted my head. A mistake it was. I looked up and took a look at myself in the mirror , my reflection was nothing new, but nothing pleasant still. I gently put my hand on the glass, and that's when I saw it. Me covered in blood, Sandy's voice in my ear. 'Its your fault Bella' Its your fault Bella, she chanted in my ear, my hands, hair face, covered with her blood, trying to make sense of it. Trying to stop it.

'HELP!" I screamed as I saw myself holding Sandy under the bridge, her blood everywhere, my sobs loud and wild. The cold I felt when touching her face, her once rosy face now pale and dim.

'Sandy!" I yelled, as if I could get her to wake up. .or get us to wake up from that nightmare. I pulled out of the memory and my hands started to shake, my breathing was heavy and anger filled me. Why would they let her live? Why was she even still here? Why was she alive? It was her fault, my fault. My hand hit the glass a little hard as I squeezed my eyes shut. I hit the glass one more time just a little harder, making my hand throb a little but I ignored the pain, and banged against the glass one more time and this time I heard a crack, either in my hand or the glass, it didn't matter, I wanted to hit harder.

"Its your fault!" Sandy's voice rang in my ear and that's when I hit with all my strength, the glass where I hit had cracked and a large piece cut my hand. I held the hand to my chest as the pain sank in. I watched the blood trickle down my wrist and onto my arm and down to my elbow. Some drops hit the floor, and were hardly audible. Carlisle was a doctor. I ran out of the restroom, and grabbed my coat. I wrapped my palm up in white cloth and ran downstairs. I looked at the phone, that I wouldn't be able to talk on and then I looked at the door, that I could run out of, or walk out of. I walked to the door, and opened it slowly, just to peak outside. Water ran down from the roof, and onto the porch like a waterfall, the rain was loud hitting the pavement. I took a few more steps further out the door, to where I was face to face with the elegant, thin waterfall, I reached out my hand shaking, and I slowly put my hand thru the water. The cold water hitting my hands, so cold it burnt, so good it was painful, I had come to a conclusion. I closed the door behind me and walked right thru the mini water fall, getting soaking wet, in the process. As I walked further down the porch, then to the drive way, the rain pored on me, and I loved the feeling. I began walking down the street, not knowing where it was I was going exactly, anywhere would be nice. No cars at all, passed, it was just me the wind, the rain and occasionally a cat or two. I wonder if I could live like this, a nomadic life, wandering to wherever when ever, once I had a dream I did so, but I wonder if I could do it. Home was never really home, and wandering seemed adventurous, I would hardly be able to 'meet' new people, unless they were very fond of the quite and boring, if so they would very much so find traveling with me an exciting opportunity. Being alone doesn't bother me, I like it better then being surrounded by different faces, waiting for you to say something interesting, like your are some kind of animal. I guess being alone was always my favorite because in my head I could say whatever I want, and in my head I can be who ever, but I haunt myself, I over think the little situations and I underestimate my own strength in my mind. So it would be a power and a weakness. I looked up from the dark ground I noticed I had no idea where I was, not a forest but trees surrounded me, and I was standing in the middle of a road, a long road too, I don't remember this road on the way here, actually I don't remember anything much but trees on my way here. Where could I possibly be. I looked back down the road and I didn't even see the neighbor hood, just a long road. I haven't been walking for that long. I shrugged my shoulders and kept walking further down the road, hoping that the further the better. Maybe if I walked further, down I would walk into a small city or something. It was still poring as I walked, down the road, looking at my feet, I didn't notice till now I had forgotten to put on shoes. Silly me.

"Hm." I hummed. Then I saw head lights in the fog, a purring engine to go with the lights. I squinted to maybe get a better view of the mysterious car coming near, but the fog was too thick. The purring became louder and the lights got brighter as the car approached, I stood there, not thinking of one exact reason why I was looking for the car, but once it was in my view, the silver Volvo stopped right in front of me. I wasn't smart enough to move from the middle of the street, and I wasn't quite thinking right now, I just stared at the car, straining my eyes as I stared at the tinted window. I couldn't see who was in the car, but I could feel them staring. For all I know there could be a family in there staring at me like I was crazy. They had all the right to. I am crazy. It didn't even honk it just stayed there with all its shiny glory, sparkling in the rain, directly in front of me. The lights were extremely bright in this dim lighting, and the cold rain was making everything even more mysterious. Finally after a few minutes of this long silent stare down, one of the side windows went down, but I was in front of the car so I still couldn't see who was inside the car.

"Is there something wrong?" A smooth velvet voice yelled from over the rain. I had to be sure he hadn't sang it, but his voice was so smooth, it shouldn't be allowed. What was I suppose to say, I was getting nervous, I felt I needed to do something, usually I felt the need to do nothing. Tears started to fill up in my eyes, as I found no strength to speak, I felt small and weak. I searched the ground, as if I was looking for words, then I saw my hand wrapped in white cloth, a little blood leaking thru the cloth, forming a red spot in the middle of my palm. I raised my cloth wrapped hand so the stranger could see the blood in my palm. I don't know what I wanted the stranger to do about it, but it's the only thing I could show him as a reply. There was a long silence, maybe he would just go around me and leave me alone. That works for me.

"Get in the car." The smooth voice demanded and I felt my self jump a little at his demand. Then my thoughts from earlier about living a nomadic life, Being on the edge, adventurous. What's the worse that could happen? I took one step forward, still very hesitant I tried to search the tinted window for at least a face, to maybe identify who it was, no luck with the rain blurring my vision. I took one more hesitant step forward.

"I'll take you to where ever it is your headed." The velvet voice spoke again, yelling over the rain a little friendlier this time. Take me to where I would like to go. So he would give me a ride, and that's all. This time I walked with more pace towards the car, looking at the ground the whole time till I got to the passenger side door. I never had done anything close to this before, but if this turns out bad, he could do no worse then I have already done to myself. I didn't look at who was driving, I'm sure I could see who it was if I wanted to, but I rather not.. I opened the passenger door and I could feel the mans eyes on me, but I kept my eyes down. I carefully slipped into the car soaking wet, I hoped he didn't mind, I probably looked crazy to him, my hair all over my face soaked and a bit curly at the ends, my hand wrapped in cloth with a blood stain and I'm in a big brown coat. I sat down and closed the door, it was very warm .

"Where to?" The smooth voice asked, a little tension in his voice. How was I to answer him, I looked across the dashboard searching for my answer once again, like it would be magically written on the dashboard like it…. A notepad and pen I saw in the middle of me in the stranger I still had not made eye contact with, or even glance at, it was too risky. The atmosphere was really tense and I was debating whether or not I should grab it and write my answer. I grabbed the paper suddenly, maybe a bit viciously and the pen next to it, I put it in my lap and wrote in my scribbles: Hospital. And with out looking at him I sat in on his knee that I spotted from the corner of my eye.

"That would make sense." I heard him murmur and I felt so hurt by his comment, a single tear fell from my eye.

"Are you okay?" He asked, I didn't answer, and he started driving towards the hospital… quite fast if you ask me. Probably really anxious to get me out of his nice car, I couldn't blame him., I would be frightened if I was driving with a murderer. He didn't speak and from the corner of my eye I noticed him sitting as far away as possible from me, again I could not blame him. It seems we got to the hospital in second, and once the car stopped I decided to end the poor strangers misery and get out the car as quickly as possible. I pushed the door open and the cold air burnt my face, I slammed the door and ran into the hospital building, with out looking back. When I ran in soaked from the rain, I saw Carlisle in the lobby talking to an elder man, and they both looked up at my noisy entrance, after 1 minute of staring Carlisle spoke.

"Ah Bella, its nice to see you." Carlisle nodded… a real smile on his face. I nodded. He whispered something to the old man and patted his shoulder, then began walking over to me a grin on his face, then a frown after he studied my appearance. I gave him a 'I know' look.

"Follow me." Carlisle said and began walking towards the doctors rooms, and I felt eager to follow. He made me interested in something, something I can hardly explain. I followed him thru the building , long white walls, cold and narrow, sad and lonely I thought. He finally stopped walking when we got to the last room in the hall, he opened it and switched on the lights and I followed him in. The room was not very different, very similar actually, just white bright lighting, lonely and a bit frightening.

"Take a seat." Carlisle looked at the clip board in front of him as I took a seat on the little bed in the middle of the room. My eyes wondered from wall to wall, searching for at least one work of art, or at least a patient paper, but everything was blank and white.

"Let me see." Carlisle took my cloth wrapped hand in his, me for the first time noticing his ice cold touch, sending a shiver down my spine. He carefully un wrapped the cloth, till my bleeding cut right down my palm was revealed, I had to look away … it was not a sight to lovely.

"Well how did you do this?" Carlisle raised an eyebrow, waiting for my reply and I just stared at him.

"Oh yes." He remembered and took out a notepad and a pen for me and sat it in my lap. I took the pen in my good hand and began scribbling down my excuse.. The truth. I wrote: _I broke the glass from the mirror with my hand. _Then handed it to Carlisle and he read over it quickly.

"Do you do that often." He eyed the many cuts and scratches on that hand. I took the notebook back and scribbled down my reply. I wrote : _I guess._ He read it but surprisingly didn't bother with it or ask any further questions, he just went back to cleaning and looking at my cut.

"Did you walk here?" He asked as he examined my hand. I began writing on the notebook again . I wrote: _I walked half way.. To somewhere… and then a strange man in a silver Volvo offered me a ride and asked me where to? And I told him.. Well wrote to him 'hospital.' _I handed the book to Carlisle and a smile spread across his face, why I would not know. Carlisle had to be the strangest but nicest physiatrist I have ever met.

"That must have been Edward….. My son." Carlisle put the notebook back down in my lap and went back to cleaning my cut. I ignored the pain, I was capable of doing that much. I wrote on the notepad : _you have children? _Carlisle didn't seem at all annoyed by my questions or my fail at speaking, he - with genuine curiosity- took the notepad and read it.

"Yes. They are all adopted. My wife can't have children." Carlisle spoke openly about this, and I could hardly tell him about my cuts. For the record I do not cut my self, it just so happens there are a lot of mirrors I come in contact with, and usually the same thing happens. But other than Carlisle being so open, I had a strange eagerness to ask about Edward… I hated it. I began to scribble on the notebook some more. I wrote: _How old is Edward?_ Letting my curiosity go. Carlisle smiled at my question written and replied speaking with the same smile.

"17." He smiled.

I wrote: _Why did he give me a ride?_This time Carlisle seemed confused by my question, but answered anyways.

"Well to help you I suppose, he is a very caring boy." Carlisle worked on my hand as he said this.

"well I'm going to have to stitch it up, to stop the bleeding." Carlisle changed the subject. I just nodded understandingly, I knew he would have to, and I hated that he had to, but what else would I do.

"Is that okay?" He asked me again putting the decision in my hands. I don't understand why. I could say no if I really wanted to. I nodded and he went to a cabinet in the corner of the room, and grabbed so things and then gracefully walked back over to me and laid the material down next to me. I just looked at my lap, trying to make sense of today. He began stitching up my cut and I again ignored the pain in my hand, I just sat there and tried to forget everything around me, everything.

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

I wrote: _yes._

"Why aren't you?" He looked at me with a fatherly 'why not?' look.

I wrote:_ I'm not ready. _He read it and then shook his head_. _

"You're not ready." He repeated my word and shook his head, not saying anything more. I grabbed the notebook and scribbled down quickly and then shoved it in his hands. I wrote: _What is it you shake your head at? _This time he looked me straight in the eyes when he said this.

"And when is it you will be ready?" Carlisle asked, I would think rhetorically, but since I don't speak he answered anyways.

"Never, is the answer." Carlisle shook his head. "If you leave the decision up to yourself, you'll never be ready, but you can be prepared. You can know what to expect and how to take it. And do you know how to be prepared Bella?"

I nodded my head, because I did. They would whisper about me in the halls, make up stupid rumors just to entertain themselves, they would try to make my life a living hell, and how would I take it? Like I always have taken it: try my best to ignore it and walk away.

"Then Bella, I believe you are 'ready'." Carlisle went back to stitching up my hand. Was I ready? Could I really go into a school full of whispering teenagers, and gossiping girls, with out having a mental breakdown, I have very little belief that I can do a simple task.

"I think you should go to school tomorrow." Carlisle murmured as he worked. I narrowed my eyes at him. Who was he to tell me I was ready? I knew that I wasn't and I would not go to school tomorrow, not till I was ready.

"Don't be angry with me please. You and I both know you're ready." Carlisle patted my hand. "All done." I didn't want to be done, and I guess it showed by my expression.

"Would you like to stay and talk… I mean write?" Carlisle tilted his head, and waited for my signal, this time I opened my mouth about to say something, but nothing came out, and he handed me the notepad and pen.

_I will go to school … to prove I am not ready. I hope you are ready with a notepad pen and box of tissues tomorrow. _

I gave him the notepad and got up to walk out of the room, I looked back at him to see what he thought of my note, and he just smiled.

"Thank you Bella." Carlisle smiled and I walked out the room, down the long hall and out of the building and began walking home… If I kept walking I would find it eventually.

(Review please)


	3. Hell

_**(A/N: Thank you my 2 reviewers lol. I appreciate it, If you want more please Review thanks!)**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight dears.**_

"Would you like a ride?" Charlie asked me, as I ate my breakfast. I shook my head, I am very fond of walking.

"Well I have to go, don't forget you're notebook and pen. They know you don't speak so it should be fine." Charlie got up from the table.

"I'm proud of you." He kissed my forehead, grabbed his coat and headed out to work. Bye Charlie. I thought. I finished up my breakfast as my nerves went crazy. I didn't want to go, but I would prove to Carlisle I would go and end up having the worst day of my life, then he would see I was not ready. I put the dishes away and grabbed my coat and backpack. Sandy and I picked out this backpack, she said it's the most important accessory. I opened the front door and to my joy and disappointment it was poring rain. I would have much rather had a ride today, if I knew it was still raining. Yesterday it was different but today is my first day at a new school, I would not like to look like a crazy woman, even if I already sound like one. I grabbed an umbrella and began my journey to hell.

Edward's POV:

In my 108 years I have seen some strange things, but the strangest was the beautiful girl, on her way to the hospital. I couldn't read her mind, and she didn't speak a word, I could hardly hear her breathing, and her blood smelt amazing, the best I have ever smelled. I had to stop my self from attacking her right then and there. She refused to look at me, but I could not look away from her. There was something different about her, good or bad I wanted to find out, but it looks as if I never will.

"Are we all ready." I heard Alice ask as she sat in the living room, her voice just above a normal speaking voice.

"Yes." I sighed, and I know she heard. I got up off of my couch and out of my room, and walked into the living room to confront Alice, who was sitting next to Jasper, in all her cheer.

"Good morning Edward." She smiled a delightful but mischievous smile.

"Good morning Alice." I smiled , and went to get my car keys.

"Are you guys riding with me?" I asked as I grabbed my keys off the counter.

"No we are going with Rosalie." Jasper answered.

"Okay." I walked out of the house and to my Volvo.

Bella'sPOV:

As I approached the school, leaking with students, I toyed with the idea of running back home and telling Carlisle I couldn't do it and that's how un ready I was. I sighed at the coward in me and continues walking towards the school. Today the sky was a nice gray, and the poring rain had became a light drizzle. The ground was dark and covered in water and I counted my steps, a habit I have. As I got closer to the school, I felt more eyes on me, probably judging whether or not I was a freak, or not. My mother could change my location all she wanted, she could send me to Europe things wouldn't change. Because human nature wont change. Me? There is something wrong with me.. I don't count myself as being human, because I don't even deserve to be. I think of myself as at the bottom of the food change and anyone who knows me or think they know me would agree. I kept my head down as the more eyes stared at me and the whispers got louder. 1 2 3 4 .. 1 2 3 4 … 1 2 3 4.. I counted my steps. 1 2 3 4 .. 1 2 -

"Hi!" A voice unfamiliar and annoying yelled at me, I looked up slowly at a girl with brown hair and smiling features. She looked like she was trying make me say something or looking for something on my face … words maybe, I had nothing to say, and I could say nothing, so I just stared at her.

"Uh.. Hi." This time she murmured it as she stared at me. I waved at her with hand this time, maybe she would go away and leave me alone. Wrong she stayed, I should have just kept my hand down and stared.

"Hi I'm Jessica!" He smile and joy was back. I just gave her a small nod and a tiny grin she probably couldn't even see.

"You're Bella right?" She smiled, I nodded once more, and I tried my best to not be rude as I began to walk away from her before she asked anymore questions, I tried to walk away fast, before she could call after me, and it worked. I managed to push thru the crowds of people and listen to them yell ride comments at me as I did it, and I made my way to the office in one piece. The same old crappy piece but hey its still one. I walked in and an old woman stood there, looking thru papers and licking her fingers to turn the next page in a book . I quickly grabbed the notebook Carlisle gave me out of my bag and the pen, I should have got it out while that Jessica person was talking to me, but she didn't interest me, and I could tell her friends standing by the blue truck had dared her. So I did her a favor and cut the 'conversation' short. I went over to the desk with my notebook and paper and began writing right when she said.

"Hello how may I help you?"

I wrote: _Bella Swan, new student. _

Her eyes brightened as she read the name and I almost wanted to ask why, but I let it go.

"Oh yes Bella." She smiled and went to the back but was back in only a few minutes. She came back with my schedule.

"Here is you're schedule, and a note, so just make sure all you teacher get that note." She smiled at me, and held the smile for a while, sort of creeping me out. I took it from her and quickly walked out of the office, running into someone or rather something cold and hard.

"mm." I put my hand to my head.

"Sorry are you okay?" That's same velvet voice from that stranger that gave me a ride spoke, my eyes got wide and I looked up at the too perfect pale face staring back down at me. His eyes the same topaz as Carlisle his Bronze hair a mess, but so well put together, his face filled with some kind of mixed emotion, anger? Well I obviously ran into him, that could piss a person off. I nodded and walked around him to wherever room 4 was. I cant believe I was in his car, he must think I'm such a freak… he wouldn't be wrong. But still, and that was Carlisle's son, their beauty both inhumanly and breathtaking. Bout time I had enough time to analyze what had just happened I was in my 1st period room, that no one was in and I was grateful, I needed time alone, there were to many new faces here and too many things happening, I felt I couldn't breathe. I took in a sharp breath and put my head down as I heard students arriving. And after a few moments the chair next to me pulled out and someone took a seat next to me. Then the bell rang.

"Okay Class- oh we have a new student." The teacher announced and I groaned. I heard a light chuckle next to me, so sweet and heavenly. I took my head off the desk and looked to the side of me, only to find those same topaz eyes staring down at me , this time confusion, in his expression and I tilted my head to.

"What's your name?" The teacher asked and I was reminded why I had put my head up in the first place, I got up from my seat and walked down to give her the note, she read it.

"Oh I see." She sighed as she read it and then gave it back.

"Everyone this is Bella." She smiled at the class.

"Hi Bella." They all said including the topaz eyed boy, who's name I believe was Edward.

"Go ahead and take your seat." She pointed to where I was sitting next to Edward. I walked to my seat, Edward staring at me, me staring at Edward, his eyes scanning me my eyes scanning him. His beauty almost blinding, I almost didn't want to look at him. I took my seat and the teacher began class. I kept on glancing from the corner of my eye at this Edward fellow, and he would do the same. The hour went on like this and it got nerve wracking, I didn't know what to say or to do, I didn't know who he was or why he had driven me to the hospital, but all I knew was I wanted to know about him, just like I wanted to know about Carlisle, but this time with Edward it was more, the feeling was stronger. I thought about just sitting thru it without saying anything at all, of course I wouldn't say anything, I never did. But he made me want to, then Carlisle words repeated in my head, the whole this about communication and using the notebook for just that. If I said something to Edward, surely Carlisle must have warned him about me, or said something about me to him. Right? I got out the notebook, and I felt Edward watching me, like I just discovered a cure for cancer, he almost looked amazed but I am pretty sure he was freaked out. I mean I would be. I clicked the pen Carlisle gave me and wrote a note.

I wrote: _Is there something wrong? _

I decided to not give it to Edward, I didn't want him to freak out more, poor boy, but then his star become stronger and I had not choice to. My hand shaking I slid the paper to him, and he took it. After he read it he chuckled, and me bewildered I stared at him. For someone so beautiful he was very strange, and I have no clue how to summarize him, or even describe him. He sat there with a smile as he wrote back an answer and my heart beat was rapid, my palms were sweaty and my breathing was… fine. Never would I though I would have a panic attack because of a note, That doesn't usually happen. After what seemed like forever Edward slid the note back to me

It wrote in elegant script, that made me touch the page in awe, Edward saw me and I blushed.

It read : _No, I'm sorry if I am scaring you. _

I had to reread it several times just to understand what it is he was saying. Scaring me? that's the last thing Edward did, I mean I have only known him for 30min, but he surely didn't scare me. I quickly replied my answer.

I wrote:_ No you don't scare me… I wondered if I scare you._

I wrote honestly and slid it to Edward, he chuckled that heavenly chuckle again and chills went down my spine, and I believe it showed, because Edward turned to me this time.

"Are you okay?" He asked….. Concerned. I stared at him for a very long time, looking for the real reason in his eyes, trying to make sense of what he had just asked. Was I all right? I truthfully didn't know, I couldn't be sure, so I shrugged and he gave me a hesitant look, then went back to writing me a note. After only a few seconds he slid it over.

It read in that same elegant script: _Well that's a new one. Are you sure your okay, I saw you shiver Are you cold? _

By this time I had decided Carlisle probably talked to him and made him play the sympathy card, but I could take it, like I always did. I frowned at this conclusion, I had secretly wished that wasn't the case, but it's the only thing that really makes sense.

I wrote back my honest reply: _No I'm fine.. Your laugh….. It was beautiful that's all. _

I slid it to him and the bell rang, so I gathered my stuff before he could reply and ran out of the room, to my next class, praying no body would pull that card again, I wouldn't be able to handle it so well. I walked the hallways with my head down, counting the tile as I went, trying to clear my head of that strange beautiful boy Edward, maybe it was not Edward and Carlisle had been wrong, and now I learn it was his other son. I highly doubt it, because his voice was still the same… soft and velvet like. I would have to talk to Carlisle about him making Edward play the sympathy card on me, I would rather be left alone then given sympathy… sympathy doesn't fix anything and according to me…. I am much more than broken. The whispers hadn't stopped I still heard it as I went, I even heard some comments.

"Look at her hair." One girl whispered, in some disgust.

"What's wrong with her?" Another student whispered. I just shook my head and hummed very low, I told them, things wouldn't change. Teenager are teenagers everywhere you go, they don't just change, they don't just care all of a sudden, they like what's on the outside, to much to focus on the inside. Just like a person is a person, no matter how far away, no matter how close, they don't change. They will always judge, we will always judge, and I will always be the main victim. Its just how it works. Maybe if I was better, and things didn't turn out the way they did, I could smile and be proud of something.. Myself. But I can hardly look at myself in a mirror, with out damaging it and causing my poor left hand injuries. As I entered my next class, there was no sign of Edward, or any other interesting extremely pale person. I sighed and did the same routine. I gave the teacher the note and she introduced me, and sent me to sit next to this guy with really bad acne. He scooted his chair away from me, and again I could not blame him nor anyone else for that matter. If I could I would go very far away from myself as possible, but that's impossible, I'm stuck. Forever. I managed to day dream about the rain that whole period. When the bell rang I jumped, and the bitter taste of reality was in the air, I tried my best not to gag at the disgusting feeling. If I could hide in my day dreams all I day I would, the only thing that's stopping me is the things I have to do to be normal. I fail to be normal in so many ways. I left my class and it was my period to have lunch, hurray, I weakly smiled to myself. Maybe I could just ignore the students and maybe just maybe they would leave me alone…. And let me be.

I walked to the cafeteria with some kind of mysterious hope, that today would be different from those other days I had lunch in Phoenix. Where they threw food at me, called me dirty names, and I finally gave up trying to eat in the same room with them. Isn't that a shame, I couldn't eat in the same room, as them, just a cafeteria, like their little loft, but I hadn't paid rent or something, and that is why it was necessary to kick me out. But I knew its because of Sandy they hated me, and they had all the right to. This time I walked right into this one. I walked into the cafeteria and I could have sworn, it went dead silent as all eyes went on me, I immediately looked down and went in line for lunch, trying the whole, maybe if I stay quiet .. Which wasn't hard for me, they would all go away. But it stayed silent and their eyes stayed on me I felt it. The whispers started right when I got my tray of food and looked for a table to sit at.

"Who is she?" Someone whispered at the table, in front of me, I looked around them and everywhere for a table that looked safe. As I searched my eyes actually searched and found those topaz eyes looking at me, with fear? Or worry? I could not make it out from all the way over here. As I stared, I noticed, more people at Edwards table. All of them pale and beautiful, the same topaz eyes and the same breathe taking beauty, I felt my self flinch as one of them made eye contact with me, a small dark haired girl, who had a glorious smile. I pulled my gaze away and found an empty table, across from Edwards's table. I found that as a safe table, although it was surrounded by full tabled, I could manage, and eat my lunch in peace. I walked over to the empty table, and put my things down and took a seat. I pulled out a book, and began to reading trying to ignore the eyes on me, and the whispers surrounding me. Something I learned to do naturally. The food didn't look to appetizing so I didn't bother to touch it, plus I wasn't hungry. I bet if I didn't eat they would make rumors that I have an eating disorder, they did in Phoenix and I'm sure they will do it here. Its not just the stupid little rumors that bother me, it's the time it takes them to jump to that conclusion. The time its takes them to all gather round and plan to exclude me. Before tragedy struck, I was not popular but well known, I had friends and I loved them we did stupid things, said stupid things and had fun being teenagers. Especially Sandy and I. Everyone knew I was her best friend and she was mine… but then Derek, screwed up and then I screwed up and then Sandy died. I flinched at the memory, and realized how strange I must look. I was sitting there looking down at my book an angry expression. Thinking about Derek made me sick, it made me weak in the stomach, it made me regret being alive and meeting him. Yet everything ended up to be my fault in the end. I should have expected that. To bad I didn't. I was just about to leave, because I felt uncomfortable and stupid.

Then I heard what I wished, what I prayed I would not hear. My heart beat in my throat my eyes got glazed over and a flash back of that horrid night flashed before my eyes, a flash back of me in Phoenix, in the cafeteria, standing there, while they called me a murdered. The empty feeling aching inside me, the guilt burning in my veins, the self hate yelling in my head, the world moving much to fast for me to see anything, and the air much to cold for me to feel.

"Hm." I frowned and put my head down weakly and dim as I heard the girl at the table in front of me.

"I hear she killed someone." A girl with blonde hair, let her whole table know and a lot of the people in the cafeteria heard, including me.

"A murderer?" The boy asked her.

"A murderer." She assured him My breathing got rapid and tears start to swell in my eyes. They said I was getting away from that stuff, and I again filled myself with that secret hope things would change, and again it happens, just like it did then.

"Mm." I hummed as tears fell from my face and I got up from the table leaving my notebook and everything on the table.

"She heard you." The boy told the girl who had just called me a murderer.

"What is she gong to do? Kill me?" The girl giggled, and a wave of guilt and pain hit me, I felt I would fall to the ground, I felt I would rot right here.

"She looks like a murdered too." Someone at the table said and I could hardly take it. I heard someone get up behind me, but I did not pay attention. I couldn't breath and my knees felt week, about to give up on me. I blinked away tears and looked towards the exit of the cafeteria, I began to run I ran out of the cafeteria and into the parking lot, the rain had picked up and it was now poring, it always caught me at the best times. I don't know where I was running but I ran my furthest, I ran and tripped a few times due to the slippery pavement, I just got up and started running again, I made it to where the forest began and ignored my fears of getting lost, because that's all I really wanted. To be lost, I was about to start running further, but I felt cold hands around my waste pulling me against a cool muscular body.

"Hmm!" I wined, as I struggled to get out of the hold, my tears flowing faster now, my knees collapsing at the same time, and my heart beating fast at the same time, and breath being taken away, everything happening at the same time, all happening to fast. Things got foggy, and I sneezed right before I passed out.

Edward'sPOV:

She sneezed then laid weak in my arms, her breathing low and slow, my mind going 100 mph. The strangest yet most interesting girl, put doubts, put wonder, put curiosity, in me, and it was stronger than ever. Every word she wrote rather than said, I hung on to, trying to find a meaning behind it, but I ended up getting lost. I had no idea why I would care so much, to a human girl , who meant nothing to me, who I didn't even know… but I wanted to know, and I wanted to learn. Then again, her blood, the most luscious smell I have smelt in all my years, the aroma was amazing and just thinking about it as I hold my breath and hold her in my arms, makes my throat burn, and venom pool in my mouth. I could take her into the forest and have her now, and taste her sweet blood, I could , but I simply cant, even if I tried. She made things so difficult for me, and I have known her for a total of 2 days, and in those 2 days, I am so interested in her, I could write a book of questions.

"I'll take you to the hospital." I whispered as I picked her up bridal style and began to walk to my car.


	4. Oh the pain

**(A/N: Don't worry, the mystery of Sandy will soon, be revealed, just keep reading and reviewing guys thanks.) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. **

I woke up tossing and turning, my throat burning, my nails digging into sheets, not my sheets, but very rough uncomfortable sheets. I felt awfully cold and a bit naked, the way I felt the cold on my skin, running up my leg, I shivered, and my eyes began to slowly open. I quickly shut my eyes once they were exposed to the bright light above me. Where was I?

"Mm." I whined putting my hands over my eyes. This time I opened my eyes slowly, getting use to the brightness in the room. I realized I was in the same white room, Carlisle had treated me in, the same pale blah room, holding zero feeling, just a blank white room. How did I get here? And why does my head hurt so bad?

Flashback:

-Right after the accident when Bella still spoke-

Reporter: What did she say before she jumped Bella?

I looked over at my mom, my eyes crying for help. I couldn't answer that and I was damn sick and tired of these interviews, the media was all over it, I have been talking to reporters all week, and I cant take it, and I don't want to remember what happened, I don't want to remember what she said.

Reporter: Bella what did Sandy say?

A tear fell from my eyes as my mind answered that, as my mind played a sick game with me.

"Bella honey, please answer." My mother rushed to my side and held my hand tears running rapidly down her cheeks. I shook my head and looked away.

"Please Bella." my mother begged, but I couldn't say it, I will answer everything else.

"Can I leave, my head hurts." I whispered, and the reporter sighed dramatically, in annoyance.

"Bella, you have to answer his questions." My mother looked at me sadness in her eyes and I had to look away again.

Reporter: Bella, please we have been asking for days, there is something Sandy said, and we need to know!

I got up from my chair and to the stairs to go up to my room, tears flowing down my cheeks, my knees getting weak my breathing erratic, when I got to my room, so much anger had built up.

"She said it was my fault!" I yelled down the stairs so the reporter could hear, and everyone else in our living room. I slammed my door and collapsed to the ground sobbing my self to sleep on the cold floor.

End of Flashback.

I pulled out of the horrible Flashback, and realized I was sobbing, like a baby. I felt lost, I didn't know how I got here, I didn't know why I was here, but I wanted to leave, I wanted to fall asleep, and I wanted to pretend I was okay. I wanted to think things could be okay.

"Ah!" I screamed, as I pictured Sandy bleeding to death in my arms. Some how I ended up on the floor, the cold pale tile rubbing against my skin, making me shiver violently, my whole body was shaking in fear, I could feel my hair hanging loosely by my shoulders, and I ran my shaky hand thru it as I cried. The room began to feel to open and I felt like I was being watched, so I started to crawl slowly. Sliding against the floor, making soft squeaky noises, hardly audible with my breathing heavy and wild. I couldn't make sense of what was happening, usually a few tears and some breathing trouble but nothing as extreme as this. I crawled to the corner of the room, where I put my back to the wall and wrapped my hands around my knees and put my head down, trying to get a hold of my breathing.

"Bella?" Someone walked into the room, but I couldn't find the strength to lift my head up, I sat there hoping they would go away.

"Bella?" The voice called again this time closer, possibly in front of me, I heard them bend down and put a hand on my back.

"Bella? What's wrong?" The voice belonged to Carlisle.

"Mm." I cried, into my lap.

"Bella? What happened?" Carlisle patted my back.. Everything happened ! I felt like screaming, everything happened, things use to be so easy, I use to be so carefree but slowly my world started to crumble and I started to go with it. So everything happened. Everything I didn't want to happen, happened.

"Lets get you up." Carlisle began to lift me up like a child, but it seemed so easy to him. I'm not fat, I'm actually very slim, but the way he lifted me, like he was a body builder. I felt his arms cradling me as he walked me over to the bed and laid me down gently.

"Bella, are you okay?" Carlisle's golden eyes staring into mine. I shook my head, wiping away tears.

"Can you write what happened?" He handed me a pen and paper, and I nodded and began to write:

I wrote:

_I was in the cafeteria, and some how the girl knew, she knew about the accident, and called me a murderer. I heard her. So I ran out, and then I started seeing Sandy in my head, then I felt arms and then everything went black. _

I gave Carlisle the note and he read it, I was surprised on how honesty I was and how easy he got that out of me. My hands still shook violently, and my mind was racing, my heart matched the speed and I couldn't make the throbbing pain in my heart.

"Sandy?" Carlisle asked putting the paper, down and checking my heart beat.

"Was Sandy a friend?" He asked while he worked, and I nodded hesitantly. I had never talked about her to anyone else except myself, I had never thought about anything else ever since the accident happen. Even though I always thought of her, I always wanted to stop and never have to think about it again.

"Was she a good friend?" He asked still checking me. I was looking forward staring at the pale wall. I nodded my head again. The room went silent and I felt my spirit die a little more. A good friend she was, she had always helped me, and was always there when I needed someone to talk to, someone to hold me while I cry, someone to make me laugh on boring days. She was my friend, my best friend, and at the time I couldn't imagine my life with out her. But now that I know how it is, I see why I could never imagine.

"Hm." Carlisle hummed, and told me to take a deep breath as he checked my heart once more. After a few minutes of him checking my heart my pulse, my breathing and my bones, he spoke .

"Well, Bella. You seemed to have experienced a panic attack." Carlisle he said.

"Tell me what had you panicking?" He picked up the notepad and handed it to me. I wrote one word.

_Life. _

"Well, that would be a reason." Carlisle murmured and handed me back the notepad, politely.

"I'm sure whatever it is, you will tell me, when you are ready." He smiled at me, and I tried to smile back, but it was hard.

"So Edward had volunteered to take you home, your father is busy right now." Carlisle looked down at some paper work. I felt my eyes widen and I grabbed the notepad from Carlisle, and the pen and began writing down.

I wrote: _You know, your poor son Edward doesn't need to play the sympathy card on me. I am quiet fine, and I could walk. _

I handed Carlisle the notebook, and looked down at my hands as I waited for him to say something like.

'I'm sorry Bella, but I just thought he could help to.'

Or

'Bella I just wanted you to have someone to talk to.' That's usually what someone would say, or could say. Edward would probably be out of here the first chance he got.

"Bella, when I said Edward volunteered. I literally meant he asked if he could take you home, of course I shouldn't have answered. Can he take you home Bella?" Again he put the decision in my hands. I looked at him like he was crazy. Because apparently he was.

"Bella, would you like him to drive you home? He's in the lobby." Carlisle pointed to the door. I shook my head looking down at my hands.

"Is there someone else you would prefer to take you home?" Carlisle still putting it in my hands, but he had miss understood me. I shook my head again this time looking up at Carlisle. He handed me the notepad so I could explain. I quickly scribbled down my answer.

I wrote:

_Edward will do._

Carlisle smiled as he read it and then gave it back to me with the pen.

"He knows you do not speak, but here, if something comes up, you can write it to him." Carlisle smiled and helped me off the bed.

"Your close are on the counter, you can go ahead and get changed, that's when I noticed I was in a hospital gown. When did this happen? When did I do this? Before I could ask, I looked up and soundlessly Carlisle had left the room. If Edward wasn't playing the sympathy card, like Carlisle had assured me, then what card exactly was he trying to pull. I mean he couldn't possibly like me, that was even silly to think, and I highly doubt he wants to be my friend. Maybe he just feels bad for me, that sounds reasonable, but his pity will soon fade once he knows the whole story. I pulled out of my own thoughts and realized I had changed into my normal clothes already. I grabbed the notebook and pen and headed out of the room . I hit the pen with the paper, as I walked down the lifeless hall ways, I tried my best to ignore the empty feeling inside me, the disgusted feeling inside me. I kept walking looking down, thinking about nonsense, but most of all my fear of driving in the same car as Edward. I wasn't scared of him, but for some reason I got… nervous.. Just thinking about being around him. I took deep breathes as I walked into the lobby, but it got stuck in my throat when I saw, Edward and all his glory, sitting there in one of the chairs, staring directly at me, his topaz eyes filled with some emotion I could not identify… pain maybe. I would know pain. He stood from his seat, a old fashioned gesture I would think, but my heart seemed to know something I didn't. It beat like… like…I had seen my savior, when really it was just Edward, a beautiful boy, who feels bad or me. He began to walk towards me slowly, our eyes glued to each other, my heart beating fast. He was so graceful, the way he slowly walked towards me, his body so firm and his muscles visible thru his tight gray shirt with his black jacket over , the way his eyes held mine, he was just so… so… beautiful.

"Bella, is it alright if I drive you home?" Edward asked as stood in front of me, inches away, his sweet intoxicating smell, making me dizzy. It took me longer than it needed to for me to answer, but I had to make sure the ground was not moving and that I was still breathing.

"Bella are you okay?" Edward asked concern in his voice. I raised my hand to put it on my head, and he caught my elbow to balance me I suppose. But it just made things worse. His touch sent electricity thru my whole body, like a wave, I felt my self take in a sharp breath.

"Bella are you okay?" Edward repeated and I shook my head to pull out of what ever he had put me in… a daze maybe? Whatever it was I had never felt it before, and made me confused as ever.

"Maybe you should see Carlisle then." Edward murmured, and I shook my head, aware of what was going on , I quickly pulled out the pen and paper and scribbled down a note.

I wrote: _No, no. I'm fine just dizzy. I just want to go home now._

I handed him the notepad, and he took it and read it quickly, then nodded at me.

"Okay." He answered simply, he seemed a little frustrated, and I wasn't trying to be annoying, I really wasn't. He turned around and began walking towards the exit, I slowly followed after him, realizing how ungraceful I could be, and how badly I prayed I would not trip and make myself look like more of a fool. As we walked out of the hospital, the cold wind raised Goosebumps on my skin and I shivered. I had no jacket, I had forgotten one.

"Are you cold?" Edward turned around to face me, and his sudden stop made me run right into his cold hard chest.

"Mm." I sighed as I slowly looked up at Edward, my embarrassment showing in my now red cheeks. He steadied me, by putting his hands on either side of my shoulders.

"Sorry." He murmured.

"Hm." I replied very low, it was hardly audible, but Edward seemed to hear, and removed his hands from my shoulders and began to remove his jacket. I started to refuse by putting my hands out and shaking my head, for him to see I would be fine with out a jacket, but he ignored my hand movements and put his jacket around me.

"There." He his eyes smiled at me and I could have sworn my heart skipped a beat. I just nodded once and looked down as my cheeks flushed a bright red. This Edward fellow had me acting quite strange. We walked to his car in silence, and I tried to think of other things like what I would do when I got home. When we got to the car he opened the door for me, and waited for me to get in and then closed it. I sat down on the soft seats and the very familiar car, I had bin in not to long ago, very strange to think of. He walked around the car and got into the drivers seat, never losing his grace. He began driving with out a word, he seemed a little tense but not scary, he glanced at me from the corner of his eye and I blushed. He had caught me staring.

"How long have you been silent?" He asked suddenly, and I tilted my head questioningly, then grabbed the pen and paper to write down my reply.

I wrote : _About 2 years._

He read it and his eyes went wide then he blinked, that's usually what I got, when I told people how long. He didn't say anything, he just put the notepad back down in my lap, and kept driving.

"I' m sorry if I seem so tense." He mumbled as he stared at the road. I almost went into shock. Was he really saying sorry for being …. Tense? I should be saying sorry, for making him so uncomfortable. Was he playing some sick joke? He had to be the strangest boy I had ever met. He didn't look for my response or even ask for one, he just drove in silence for a while. I sighed and looked back at the road, trying to think of things to distract me. I started thinking about the jacket I was wearing, and how expensive it looked, but how very comfortable it was. It smelt exactly like Edward, sweet and intoxicating, I even inhaled the scent. It was nothing I have ever smelt before.

"What are you thinking?" He asked another sudden question and I again was eager to tell him the truth. I couldn't know a reason why, and I really didn't think of it, but I began writing on the notepad.

I wrote: _About your smell._

And then handed it to him, and he read it quickly and flashed a crooked smile, that made my heart skip a beat, I needed to get out of this car, it was beginning to get really unhealthy.

"And what is it you think of my smell?" He asked a smile still on, but I could still see he was seriously asking me.

I wrote: _You smell really good. That's all._

I handed it back to him, and he just nodded, like he was taking my answer into deep thought.

"You seem really open about your thoughts." He gave me back the notepad, and I scribbled down my answer.

I wrote: _You seem really open on giving strangers rides._

I handed him the notebook, and he smiled again when he read what I had wrote. I secretly liked making him smile, for some secret reason I didn't even know. He didn't reply he just kept driving, and I felt questions swirl in my head, the answers I wanted to get back, but he said nothing and I would ask of nothing. I had already done to much by accepting his pity ride. He didn't speak anymore as we drove, I looked down at my hands and counted the seconds flying by till Edward's velvet voice spoke again.

"Are you going to come back to school?" He asked, I suppose making conversation, why would he possibly really care. Instead of writing I simply nodded, looking down at my hands.

It went silent again, and it stayed silent the rest of the way to my home, occasionally he would glance at me from the corner of his eyes and catch me staring. It wasn't long till we reached the house and I began to get out of his jacket.

"No, you can keep it." He stopped me, and I argued in my head if I should refuse, but I really didn't feel like arguing thru notes right now. I silently got out of the car and closed the door behind me. As I walked up to the door, I heard the car window roll down.

"Stay safe." He called, and then drove off.

That night I decided, I would let Edward be my friend for as long as he wanted to be… and I would keep his jacket. I then to decided to reread the old letter from Sandy under my bed and cried myself into a dreamless sleep.

**(A/N: Please review it really encourages me to write more. Thanks.)**


	5. Deciding

**A/N: It took me forever to get this chapter right. I might re-write in Edwards point of view but I'm not sure. Tell me if you think it's a good idea, and if you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you!**

Some people say I have pride, and the only reason for my silence is self sympathy. I wish.

I woke not from the buzzer this oh so lovely morning, but I woke up to a phone ringing, Charlie's phone, the home phone. I waited hesitantly for it to stop ringing or someone to get it, or for myself to get up and get it. Soon I heard moving around and footsteps, going to the kitchen, it was Charlie going to answer the phone. After a few minutes of the rumbling sounds, Charlie finally answered the phone.

"Hey Renee." He spoke in a rough voice, making it very obvious he had just woken up. When he said Renee I almost jumped to my feet, I hadn't talked to her in days and I missed her. I slowly slid off my bed silently, and slid on to the floor and but my ear to the wooden floor, to listen to the muffled voice.

"Renee, she is doing the best she can." Charlie grumbled.

"Yes, Yes, she is seeing that doctor, but she seems to keep on getting caught in weird accidents.."

"Weird as in, my bathroom mirror is cracked, and the other day she went walking out in the rain alone." Charlie sighed.

"No I will not send her back there ! She will do much better here !" Charlie argued with Renee on the phone.

"Ever since Sandy-"

I pulled away from the floor and stopped listening. I had heard enough, it was just their usually argument over me, I tried to sooth myself. But I knew they were speaking about Sandy, and I knew they remember it just as well as I do, and right now they are talking about it, and it absolutely kills me. I crawled back into bed, and decided I could sleep for a good 20 minutes before my alarm went off. Instead of sleeping my mind had other ideas. Before I could get into thoughts of Sandy and the sick past, the first thing I could really think off, the only thing other than Sandy I could vividly see and wonder about. Edward: seemed so strange, but so kind, and generous, he was like someone I had never met or even dreamed of meeting. I even tried to imagine that he wasn't just being nice because his sympathy towards me. I tried to imagine, but then I cant, because I don't know how that would be and I simply know it will never be. My alarm went off, making me jump a little.

"Haw." I yawned and got up and began getting ready for school.

As I finished breakfast Charlie said nothing about Renee's call, and I was thankful, we didn't need to go over anything. Instead Charlie began to talk about a basketball game that was on the other night, like I would find something interesting about basketball. Of course I didn't say anything, I couldn't even if I wanted to, I couldn't even if I tried. Soon Charlie was done rambling he kissed my forehead and headed off to work. I finished my breakfast quickly and gathered my things so I could leave to school. Wonderful, wonderful school. Today as I walked to school, I was having a strange feeling, a feeling like I was being watched, or followed, I had to look back multiple times just to check. It wasn't raining today, just cloudy with the usual gloom. I wonder why they would put me in such a gloomy town, as if I wasn't 'down' enough. Just saying. Again I had to look behind me right before entering school property, I could have sworn I saw someone there, and it scared me mad, it scared me even more when I noticed the figure was pale. I decided I was losing my mind, and I felt comfortable at least knowing what was going on with me. As I walked on to school property, it felt like my first step was loud and booming, and made everyone turn their head and stare. Only my footsteps were low and gentle, maybe a little wobbly due to my clumsiness, but not loud at all, yet people stared more than they stared yesterday, they glared more than stared. Great, I hoped things would be different for me here, and look I already got the whole school to hate me, and I didn't even do anything. I walked past that one girl… Jessica I think her name was. She didn't look as giddy as she did the other day, in fact she looked a little smug. Tears swelled in my eyes, as the glares became worse and some tears made there way down my cheek. I could feel my chest aching and my mind panicking. I just wanted it to all be over, I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, I did what I did, and I made a mistake. If you want to hate me than hate me, and leave me alone. Please leave me alone.

I could hardly breathe their stares were so intense this morning, every step I took closer to the school was being analyzed, studied, watched. My toes ached from the cold and my feet ached from the long walk and my heart thumped with the last beats of hope that are in my entire body. If things hurt as bad as they did yesterday, things would never in a million years get better, things could possibly get better when I was able to live on my own, by myself, away from everyone and everything. Away from these strange people, away from stupid small towns, away from people begging to 'help' you, away from sick- my thoughts were interrupted by a velvet smooth voice calling my name, and grabbing my attention instantly.

"Bella?" The voice called again and I turned on my heel and was met face to face with Edward and all his glory, a slight smile on his perfect face, his eyes a little darker than usual, and maybe his hair a little lighter.

"Something wrong?" He noticed me studying his face, I blushed and looked down at my feet, shaking my head.

"Oh." Was all he said. I studied the pattern on his shoes while the silence grew along with the stares, his shoes were nice they looked expensive. I have only known of Edwards existence for a short amount of time now, but I like to think of him as old fashioned, maybe I was being crazy, maybe I am crazy. I'm so crazy that I felt the urge to ask, the urge to find out. I looked up at Edward again and he had that same look, like he was looking for something, or trying his hardest to read me, or maybe get me to say something. I should tell him now before he hurts himself. I swung my backpack in front of me and pulled out the notebook Carlisle gave me and the same pen. I felt Edward watching me intently, trying to figure out my next step I suppose. I opened the notebook and began to write.

I wrote: _Why do you stare at me like that? _

I handed it to him, and he quickly read it and a slight smile appeared on his face.

"I find you very interesting but very hard to read." He smiled, a crooked smile and my breath got caught in my throat. He noticed my very small reaction and put his hand on my shoulder, and I felt his cold touch thru my long sleeve, but the thing I felt the most was the hot electricity than ran thru me from his touch, the warm coming from the cold, he immediately pulled his hand away, and back down to his side.

"It was nice seeing you." He nodded and turned away from me and walked away swiftly. I opened my mouth like I was going to say something and stared at him walk away from me. Had I said something? Of course not I had said nothing. And I sure didn't do anything.

"Do you think he really wanted to talk to you." A girl from yesterday smirked as she walked by. I closed my mouth and looked at the ground. She's right: did I really think he wanted to talk to me? I began walking to class, trying to forget about Edward, he was rude and probably just like everyone else at this school, arrogant and low, with all his expensive clothing and his expensive car, he could hardly want to talk to me. I would have to talk to Carlisle, make him tell Edward to stop his sorry little sympathy towards me, its disgusting and low, he knows it. I swear right then when the wind brushed by and he stood in front of me, he stiffened and glared, almost… like he hated me. He could hate me if he wanted to, and he probably did, I would not be surprised. My thoughts had led me to my first class, how grand. I walked in and the several people already there stared at me like I was an alien, I tried my best to ignore them and take my seat. I heard someone sit next to me but I didn't care to look, from what I could tell from the corner of my eye, it was a girl.

"You dropped your pencil Swan." She slid me my pencil that must have fallen with out notice. Her speaking to me was not the surprise that, it was her voice, her tiny little squeaky voice, that could get annoying if you heard it for too long. It was Jenny, little Jenny it had to be, but she was suppose to be in Phoenix hating me like everyone else, she hated me before the accident, because I had ditched her to be friends with Sandy, and once the accident happened she really had something to hate me about and really had something to give me glares about. I saw from the corner of my eye she was staring at me, her dark brown eyes on me. I turned to look at her, and surely it was Jenny, with her long black curls, and pale skin like mine, what in heavens earth was she doing in Forks. Was she following me, stalking me, planning my death? I know everyone else was.

"Bella its Jenny, you remember right?" She asked looking intently at me, and I almost wanted to shake my head and act like I didn't know her, that would have been safer. Instead I nodded and she smirked.

"You still don't speak?" She almost laughed in my face, I answered honestly again, I nodded once more.

"So your still silent sick Bella?" She asked sarcastically, I felt tears swell in my eyes.

"Why did you run?" She asked me seriously now and I felt her eyes on me. I took out a paper and pen and began to scribble down my answer.

I wrote: _To get away from everyone. isn't it obvious?_

I handed her the note and she read it quickly then shook her head.

"Coward." I heard her mutter, as she put down the note. I took the paper from her and wrote : _Don't give me that stupid coward crap Jenny, you would have done the same. _

I slammed the note in front of her, my tears forming from my anger and my hands shaking with my fear. She looked down right shocked when she read it and answered me with the same level of anger.

"No Bella, I would not have done the same, you know why? Because I would never been in that situation, I would have never have lied to Sandy if I was her real friend, and I would not have been the reason she is forever gone. So no I would have not done the same." She hissed at me in almost a whisper her eyes glaring at me. I grabbed the paper and began writing what I didn't mean but what my anger meant.

I wrote: _You're just bitter because I chose Sandy over you, you're glad the whole thing happened because you finally have something to give me crap about. _I practically threw the note at her, trying my best to hold back the tears, she was talking to much about Sandy, I could hardly think about Sandy on my own time.

"Ha!" Jenny laughed with out humor. "You think its about that ?" She asked sounding very dramatic.

"Bella, no one wants to be your friend, we've seen what you do to friends." She almost giggled. My breathing was heavy and my palms were sweaty. I looked away from her and out of the window beside me, hoping she would just leave me alone. It was still cloudy out sky and the gloom was still there.

"You know Bella, we were all surprised you committed murder because of a boy." She sighed like it was nothing. I couldn't say anything back to her, I couldn't even look at her. Why was she doing this to me, hadn't I really had enough.

The teacher came in before she could say anything else and began to teach the lesson, the class went by fast, Jenny said nothing more, and I was glad. Just as we all began packing our stuff up to go to next period. Jenny turned to me, her lips tight in a line.

"it's a good thing I'm here Bella. I can really help get those rumors straightened out." She smiled and walked off, knowing well enough her last words would haunt me, that they would make me toss and turn at night, oh yes Jenny knew. Her hair swung as she walked out of the class room, swinging her hips, with all that confidence, because she was better than me. That's what it was all about, being better than me, and somehow she thought I was always better than her, but she gets the glory and joy of being better than me. . Jenny could be mean and even low, but never have I seen her this low. She use to be nice to me, actually she use to be my best friend, she even loved me at one point, that is until Sandy became my friend and made things so much more exciting and different, I could have chosen both, but instead I chose one and that was Sandy, I always thought Sandy and I had a deeper connection. I cut off my thoughts of Sandy and I began walking to my next class.. Gym.. I decided today was probably the worst day ever, first Edward and his strange mood swings, then a evil blast from the past shows up, and tells me she's here for one simple thing, to ruin my life. Maybe a nice silent conversation with Carlisle would help, maybe if I hitchhike I can get further than Oregon, maybe if I lived with Charlie in the first place, things would be a whole lot easier for me and just maybe if I walked slow enough I could miss gym, but lets not get ahead of our selves. As I walked to the gym I looked out of the window, trying to ignore the pushes in the hall way, and the whispers, and the stares calling my name, almost begging for my attention, when I caught site of probably one of my favorite cars to be in, that shiny silver Volvo, sitting alone in its same parking space, looking like a car advertisement. Great even the Cullen's car was abnormally beautiful. And just like when I'm with the Cullen's something about it just felt like home. Not that I have really even thought about it as that till now, but I feel strangely comfortable when around Dr. Carlisle, especially Edward, but his sympathy almost makes me want to cry. I know things will never be the same once he hears the story. I absentmindedly kept walking as I stared out the window, and I kept walking till I was out of the school and going towards the parking lot, across the damp ground, feeling the cold air on my once warm body, the sting of the strong wind wiping past, I almost ran to the car, I didn't know what I would do when I got there, but I knew I had to get to that Volvo for some reason, I felt like I would find something there. Once I got to the Volvo, I just stared at it, trying to figure out my true intentions. No one was in the car obviously, so why did I need to walk over here. It took several moments staring at it, ignoring my reflection in the windows, no need to break the car. I slowly raised my hand and ran it against the cold handle, twisting my hand around it, until I was comfortable enough to pull on it. I pulled and it was unlocked, why would he leave this very nice car unlocked? Was he absolutely crazy. I swear my first thoughts were to lock it for him, that's all, really, I leaned my head into the car, and all my thoughts were lost. His sweet smell was so strong in here, it was intoxicating, it pulled me into the car, I couldn't even think straight. I ended up sitting in the back seat of the car smelling that sweet smell. I really need to know what he bathes in. The seats were so comfortable and I was so tired, my eye lids started to droop and I heard a faint beeping noise that came from the car, the noise that the car is suppose to make when it locks.. But I didn't press anything. I began to fall asleep against the comfortable seats, I began to drift, to feel the sleep that I didn't get last night, I began to drift silently.

Little did I know 'drifting' after all those memories, was a terrible, terrible idea.

_It was like I went back, its like I was really there but this times I was watching my self, it was after Sandy had jumped, I had sat there crying over her till we heard sirens, that's when Sara, came and dragged me up the stairs and to Ryan's car where he drove us to his house. It was, Ryan, Sara, Ruth, Tyler, Cindy, Jacob and myself. We were all part of it and we had all planned it. We all couldn't believe she had jumped and the only thing we could think of was run. So that's what we did, we ran, like the cowards we are. When we got to Ryan's house, we went to his room in silence, all of us in tears, all of us lost and scared._

"_I said to talk to her Bella!" Ryan screamed at me, his hands in the air as if he was going to hit me as I cringed to the wall, and everyone else gathered round, with their heads down, some crying, some plotting, some panicking. We had a plan, we had one, and it was all going to work out, till everything got out of hand. _

"_I did." I cried into my hands. _

"_Then why did she jump!" He screamed at me again this time his face in his hands, realizing that the damage was done, no matter how much he yelled. _

"_We cant tell the truth." Ruth got up and began pacing back and forth as we watched her. _

"_Then what do we say ?" Ryan asked menacingly. "What are we going to say Ruth?" He stared at her intently asking a rhetorical question. _

"_That we planned it. That we had Sandy right where we wanted her, that everything was going perfectly, and we planned her humiliation, we planned a reason for her to kill her self. Is that what we say? Ruth?" He now stood inches away from her, his hands balled up into fists. I sobbed into my hands, as I stood leaning on the wall, my hands shaking. He turned away from her walked back up to me. _

"_What did she say?" He said thru his teeth. _

"_What?" I sniffed and looked up at him. _

"_She said something we heard it! What is it she said ?" He yelled this time. I froze remembering her last words and everyone stayed silent as they listened for my answer. My whisper sounded like a booming voice. _

"_S-s-he. S-h-she . She said it w-was my f-fault." I stuttered staring at the wall behind Ryan my eyes not focused making everything foggy and blurry. _

"_You killed her !" Sara screamed at me, talking for the first time the whole hour. _

"_No." I cried putting my head back in my hands. _

_Then the flashback went into a dream, where I was alone, I was standing and then I saw him Edward he was smiling at me. He started saying something, but I couldn't hear the words escaping his beautiful lips, I couldn't, but I wanted to. So I kept staring as he talked, until he stopped and looked at me, waiting for an answer I suppose, but I couldn't reply and I couldn't hear. _

'_Bella?' I saw him mouth, but I couldn't do anything. _

'_Bella?' He mouthed again and I almost wanted to cry, I was trying so hard to reply, he had to know I was trying. He looked at me disappointed and turned away and began walking towards the other direction._

'_Edward!" I tried screaming but no sound was heard._

'_EDWARD!"I tried my hardest to scream, but I ended up collapsing, and then my dream went blank. Nothing else had happened. It was all over. Edward was gone. And I seemed more overwhelmed with him being gone than my flashback of the past. _

'_Edward.' I tried to call one more time. _

-waking up-

"Bella?" The heavenly voice called.

"Bella?" The voice called again, then I realized I knew this beautiful voice, and I could hear it this time, clear and beautiful as it always is. I sat up right away and mouthed 'Edward', my eyes fluttered open

"Bella, are you okay?" He asked, and put his hand to my cheek, and I felt blush creep into my cheeks, but he quickly removed his hand from my cheek, and I felt my face drop a little. I felt that strange hurt in my stomach, the kind of hurt that almost felt like butterflies.. But stronger. Before I made my next move I realized how this could look strange. I was sleeping in his car, and I hardly knew him, I hadn't asked or anything, I just sort of fell asleep. I realized how weird I must have look, and how creepy. My eye brows furrowed and I looked over at Edward who was smiling.

"What's wrong?" He smiled, I tilted my head confused out of my brain, and the other half of me focused on his smile, the way it looks like he perfected it, it took all my strength not to touch it, or trace it. A habit I have, I can be extremely touchy, I liked to hold things in my hand and feel.

"You look extremely guilty. Did you do something to my car?" He had a teasing tone, that almost made me want to smile. I shook my head wondering when his strange mood swings would kick in.

"Why don't you sit up in the front seat?" He stared at me, but the teasing tone had sort of faded and It sounded like a real question, like he was trying to figure me out by the way I choose my seating, when really I didn't choose this, it just sort of happened. A lot of things happen like that.

"Unless you want to stay back here the whole ride?" Edward seemed hesitant, like he didn't know what I would prefer, and like his father, giving me the decision, like I had some kind of power.

"Would you like to sit in the front seat?" He smiled a crooked smile and then it faded making me frown for some strange reason.

"Unless you would like to walk home of course." He said looking down at the car door, and my stomach did a flip. I reached out to put my hand on his hand that was on the door handle. His hand was ice cold, but somehow warm with the electricity burning thru my touch. He looked at my hand on top of his, and then he looked into my eyes, making my breathing become heavy and almost pants. I felt like he was pulling me closer with his eyes, looking deep into my soul. And whatever I saw in his eyes, in those beautiful topaz eyes, I decided I liked. It seems like forever we stared into each others eyes. I lifted myself out of the back seat and Edward backed away to give me room to get out but our hands still touching. I stood in front of him our heads inches apart, my breathe stuck in my throat, his sweet sent filling my lungs. I took my hand off of his and turned to face the front seat car door. I opened it and got in, hoping that I answered Edwards question with my actions. I wanted him to drive me home, I wanted him to be close to me. For once I know what I want. I must say I hate that I want it, but I cant help it. It only took a second for Edward to join me in the car. He started the engine, and the car began to purr, and as soon as the purr began to vibrate thru the car and rock me gently, I was out. Hoping I could trust him to take me home, when really I trusted him more than I trusted my self.

"Beautiful Bella." I could have sworn I heard him murmur, but I cant be sure. I'm going crazy remember. I decided that once more as I drifted to sleep. I felt comfortable at least knowing what was going on with me.

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	6. Secrets

**Authors Note : I love all of you guys for reviewing. This is for one of me newest friends, here on Fan Fiction :]**

**PS: Make sure to read my ending authors note and to review. Thanks !**

I felt a cold soft tap, enough to wake me. I flinched out of my sleep, to realize I was in Edwards car outside my house, his hand still on my hand, where he had tapped me awake. A beautiful smile on his face, making my heart skip a beat. A beat I so dearly wanted back. I didn't want to think about the affect he had on me, it made me feel weak and stupid and silly.. It just ugh!-

"Do you want to see my father?" Edward asked with a puzzled and worried expression, obviously trying to figure out my worried and puzzled expression. I felt my face soften, and my eyes melt, and I tried my hardest to hold my poker face, but I'm too easy to read, my mother always says, and I know Edward saw it, he saw the hard brick wall, I had up, fall to pieces all because what? Because he seemed concerned about me? His eyes searched my face, and I copied his actions and my eyes went from his eyes, to his lips, to his pale cheek bones, to his hair, to his nose. Electricity burning between us. Things like, kiss, love, beautiful, Mr. Darcy, touch, and hope, flew thru my mind, formed as a tornado, that destroyed all my other thoughts and the only thing I could think about was Edward. I saw his hand come up, as if to touch my face, but it did not move. He smiled again as he watched blush creep in to my cheeks, making my heart skip another beat, and any moment now, my heart was just going to stop. I felt my toes get warm, even though they were frozen cold, I felt my breathing hitch, I felt my world get turned upside down, and my earlier worries disappear. I felt -

I heard a car pull up behind us, and both Edward and I jumped back from each other. I hadn't realized us moving closer together in the first place. I looked behind us and Charlie's cruiser was pulling into the driveway, and then I looked back at Edward who was smiling about something that I couldn't understand. I suddenly felt some kind of anger towards him, how did he do that? Why would he do that? Ugh. The way he smiled, the way he looked at me, and pulled me in. I slammed my hands in my lap, more angry at myself for allowing him to pull me in. I turned back again, and saw Charlie Getting out of the cruiser, so I got out my notepad and pen . I quickly wrote something to Edward and handed it to him, and got out of his car as fast as I could.

I wrote : _Don't ever smile at me again. _

As I walked to great Charlie, I turned back to Edwards car, only to see him smiling gloriously. Jerk. Charlie waited a second for Edward to drive off before he spoke.

"Who was that?" Charlie asked suspicion clearly in his tone, I gulped and wrote my answer.

I wrote: _That was Carlisle son, he offered to give me a ride home. _

I handed it to him, and once he looked up at me I tried giving him a reassuring nod, and I think it helped.

"Those Cullen kids, are good kids. Don't give me any trouble." Charlie murmured and began towards the door, I followed after him, curious to learn more.

"From what I hear they are the best students in school." He sighed and opened the front door and waited for me to walk in first. I walked in but waited for him to come in as well, I still hadn't heard enough, and I realized how greatly curious I could be. The saying 'Curiosity killed the cat' quickly crossed my mind, for some strange reason. I waited for a moment so see if Charlie said anything else.

"Bella, can you check the messages on the phone for me?" Charlie asked as his eyes were glued to the TV screen. I guess that's all I could get out of him. I sighed and went to the phone to play the messages out loud for him.

"3 new messages." The manual voice said out loud. "1st new message "

A mans voice came replaced the manual and said "California's Ba-

"Delete." Charlie called to me interrupting the voice obviously knowing it was a bill collector. I did as he said and deleted it.

"Next new message " The manual voice spoke and this time it was a familiar voice.

"Uh Bella?" The voice asked and static was heard in the background.

"Bella, I'm not sure if this is really your phone number but uh-" The voice paused and I felt my heart begin to race and tears swell up in my eyes. The voice took a deep breath.

"This is Aurora. I know we haven't talked. You know ever since the thing with Sandy, but uh…. I just um" She sounded like she was crying and I could only imagine the pain she was going through.

"I just want to say." She was in deep tears now and so was I .

"It wasn't you're fault Bella." She sobbed, and I sobbed with her, my hands gripping the counter for support, my knees shaking, my heart aching.

"This isn't one of those sick jokes Bella. I'm serious. And I understand if you don't want to speak to me but.." Her voice was shaky and sad.

"Jacob and I miss you a lot. We love you Bells." And she hung up and I collapsed to the floor, my whole world not making any sense at all, my breathing heavy and shallow. Charlie rushed t my side.

"Bella baby?" He rubbed my back and pulled me close to him, my head wresting on his chest as I cried. Daddy . I wanted to cry to him. I wanted to say words I wanted to speak, but I cant and it hurts, so instead I sobbed into his shoulder. Aurora wasn't that big in the situation with Sandy, but she treated me just like the others did and so did Jacob, they bullied me, called me a murderer . And the thing that hurt the absolute most, was I wanted to believe her words so bad. I wanted to believe her so bad. Aurora was always my friend, ever since first grade, and we she was always there when no one wasn't . I gripped Charlie's shirt as I cried into his chest and he rubbed my back trying to sooth me, but the damage was done. Aurora was back, and she was bringing it up and if anyone knew about the Sandy situation it was Aurora, she knew it from start to finish, word by word action by action .

"You don't have to call her back." Charlie whispered to me, and I pulled away. But no. I had to . that's what I had to do. I had to call her back. I struggled out of Charlie's hold and stumbled to my feet. I grabbed the phone and ran up to my room, closing my door gently and staring intently at the phone. I pressed the redial button and it began ringing instantly and that's exactly what I wanted. I knew I would change my mind later, but I couldn't now, I had to hear her. After five rings, she didn't answer and I was both happy and sad. I twirled on my heel and fell on my bed, and kicked off my shoes. I rolled up into a ball, and began to fall asleep. So much sleep in one day. I just couldn't get enough. Right before I was almost deep in sleep, the phone rang in my hands and I was awake, I quickly answered.

"Hello?" I heard a soft voice. I sniffed to answer there hello.

"Bella." He sounded relieved. Edward ? How? He sounded like he knew.

"Sorry.. Just you- just making sure you are okay." His voice sounded very worried.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't to angry with me." He smoothly covered up, but I heard it in his voice… the worry… the concern… as if he knew I was crying. I cleared my throat.

"Well as long as your okay Bella." It sounded like he had a smile in his voice. I snorted loud enough for him to hear.

"Bye Bella." Its like I heard his smile grow. I hung up the phone and put my self back in my little ball, and rocked myself back into sleep.

Dream

"Tell them." She growled at me.

I shook my head.

"NOW!" she growled at me once more her face turning read.

I shook my head furious now.

"Tell them how you hurt me Bella. Tell them how you lowered me to the bridge and made all of this happen."

I shook my head again, tears rolling down my cheeks. When I saw them behind her. I saw Edward Jacob and Aurora, behind Sandy, calling out for me, but I was stuck, and I couldn't hear them.

"Come." I saw Aurora mouth.

"Bella." I saw Jacob mouth.

"Bella" I saw Edward mouth.

Sandy pulled me away from them, and growled in my ear.

"Nobody likes a murderer."

-End of Dream-

I screamed myself awake, sweat covered my face, and rain trickled down my window. It looked dark outside. I looked over at my clock and it said 4:30am. I put my hand to my head and wiped away the sweat on my head. I looked through my head for explanations to the feeling I'm having right now, the feeling that I needed to do something. I wanted to do something, but first I needed Edward. I needed him. I didn't want to need, him but it was so strong, I began to cry. I wanted Edward here, because he was concerned. He called. But so was Aurora , but I wanted to say something to Edward. Because part of me knew, there was something he wasn't telling me, and the other part of me knew, there was something I wasn't telling him. That I wanted to tell him.

I decided I had to tell him.

**Authors Note: **

**Okay this Chapter was awfully short, much to short for my taste and I know yours as well, but its getting really late and I would like to write the next part when I am fully awake and thinking. Plus I'm emotionally drained from Michael Jackson's death. But I promise you the next chapter will be up soon as possible. I'm trying to do this as fast as I can for you guys, and as good as I can. So please keep reading and REVIEWING, and I will keep sharing more and more of the story as quickly as possible. Thank you ! Love you guys! **

**-Danielle. **


	7. Running

I sit here, unable to bare the truth come together.

I got to school fairly early today, since my waking at 4:00 this morning. I don't know much about Edward, but I know enough to know they are different. I mean one look at there whole family and obviously something was up. I don't know where all this was coming from, I just felt like I wanted to uncover the secret before I shared mine. As I approached the school parking lot, I heard someone yell, I immediately hid myself behind a parked car.

"A HUMAN !? EDWARD!? REALLY?" The voice yelled, and was shushed immediately by many different voices. I peaked over the car to see a furious blonde yelling at Edward. I believe that's his sister Rosalie. Human? Is that what she said to him? Human? I'm lost. I kept staring and noticed there lips moving fast, and they would nod like they could hear each other, and they were standing pretty distant from each other. Human? I thought again, she said it as if they were something else……. Something else. Aliens? Okay that's just ridiculous, I'm going crazy, but its comfortable knowing just what exactly is going on with me. Edward looked at her anger burning in his eyes, an Edward I have never seen, and quite frankly, is absolutely scary. But she stared back at him that evil in her eyes, just as strong as his.. Maybe even stronger. While the others stood around them, trying to calm the situation, with their silence. I felt the need to go and calm Edward, like he needed me right then and there, and I wanted to be something he needed, but I recently discovered that I need him, for some strange reason that I hated. I decided to draw attention to myself, maybe it would get his attention, okay so maybe I didn't do it on purpose exactly, but half way through the fall, where I was almost face to face with the ground, I thought "I'm drawing attention to myself." I fell forward, tripping on nothing particular as always, and fell on my face, my hands holding me up so I didn't do any damage to my head or anything.

"Uh.' I groaned and rolled over onto my back, and put my hand to my head.

"Bella?" I heard my name being called by his beautiful voice. Ugh. His voice just his voice. Nothing beautiful about it.

"Bella?" Except the way my name slides out of his mouth. I wonder what it would be like to say his name.

"Hm." I answered myself more than him.

"Are you okay?" His voice was close now, right above me. I opened my eyes, and his face was only inches apart, I didn't even hear him crouch down. Then his cool hand touched my forehead and it felt so good, but I couldn't let him distract me, I was trying to figure him out remember. Remember Bella? Then he gently moved his thumb, and it caressed my head, so soft so hard like marble, but so smooth.. Remember what?

"Are you okay?" He repeated .

"Hm?" I hummed just aware of the fact that his hand was on my head. How pathetic. I lifted myself up on my elbows and looked his straight in the eye. His eyes were darker today, and I wanted to ask why.. In words I really wanted to. Say something, I begged my self. Please say something. He looked at me, something in his dark eyes, that wasn't there yesterday. Something in his eyes that I didn't see the other day or the day before that or the day before that. I opened my mouth, trying to force words out trying to dig deep for the right word. I didn't notice I was holding my breathe but I exhaled and my eyes started to tear up. I wanted to tell him so much. I wanted to tell people so much. But I couldn't.

"What is it?" He put his hand on my cheek, and blush crept in. I closed my mouth and shook my head. One little tear rolled down my cheek and Edward wiped it away. I pulled out my note pad and pen, and began scribbling down a note.

I wrote : _Good morning. _

I handed it to him and he smiled.

"Good morning Bella." He smiled and handed me the notepad back.

I wrote: _How did you know I was crying last night? _

I had to get right to it before he started with all the smiling and making my heart stop and all that. He frowned when he read what I wrote, and I immediately felt bad. Did I ask something wrong?

"You - I didn't.' He said with a straight face. He was keeping something from me. I grabbed the notepad a little angry.

I wrote : _Yeah you did. _

He read it and frowned again.

"Bella we shouldn't be friends." He looked down at the ground and I felt it. I felt all the pain I have ever felt go right through me . I was waiting for this, I knew this would happen. I knew from day one. He probably heard something from Jenny, or someone, he probably finally went back into general person mode and realized, being friends with a murderer was never a good idea. I felt tears in my eyes, stronger than ever, I felt them slide down my numb face.

"Its better that way. And safer for you." He was still looking at the ground and I bit my lip, trying to keep from sobbing. Its like he was breaking up with me, he was breaking up our friendship, and it hurt because I secretly put some kind of hope into Edward. Hope I shouldn't have counted on. Again, my fault. What did he mean safer for me?

"I'm sorry." He finally looked up at me pained. I looked at the ground this time nodding my head. To think I wanted to share a secret so strong with him and here he is backstabbing me.

"I want to be your friend Bella." He touched my face and wiped up a few tears and I was lost. What in the world did he mean. I cant understand, I can put the puzzle together and understand. What is he telling me? This is the problem, its hard to be friends with people that have rapid mood swings? Is that it? Because that's all I got.

I took the notepad and wrote: _What are you telling me Edward? Your not telling me something._

He read it and murmured something to himself that I couldn't hear.

"Its to dangerous." I heard faintly. What's too dangerous? Am I dangerous? Is that it? I was beginning to get angry with him. I grabbed the notepad and scribbled down a note to him, my hands shaking as I wrote.

I wrote: _To dangerous? To hang out with me a murderer? Is that what they told you? Is that what you are afraid of? Me ? You think I go around killing all my friends? Is that what everyone is telling you? I sort of expected it from them, but now from you Edward, I sort of thought you were different. Well, good bye._

I threw the note at him and stood as quickly as possible and began running away form him leaving my notepad behind, along with my backpack and everything. The damp air cooled my face, as I ran past the cars in the parking lot. I think I heard him call my name but I cant be sure, the air whipping past was all I could really hear clearly. I ran my fastest, and I noticed people staring, whispering and I seriously just about had it. They walk around with their lies to tell, their lies to spread like a disease, but what did I do to them? Who did anything to them? Why people do it? I will never know, but I do know it will never stop. It just keeps going. Forever. Forever is a long time. And do they know what their lies do to people? They ruin people, people like me. People that thought things would never get so worse where they couldn't even look in the mirror, so worse they cant even go outside, so bad where they cant even trust their own parents. I'm sure they know, and I'm sure they enjoy the effect they can have on one person. Makes them feel powerful . By now it was raining, just like it was when Edward picked me up that one day. The day I first sat in Edwards car. I ran past building past shops and stores, I ran past everyone with umbrellas. I was soaked, my hair had become stringy and wavy. I kept running though like I was running for my life. I remember when I was a little girl, I use to play in the park a lot, and I remember the wonderful extravagant colors, the yellows the pinks the blues, the oranges the reds, the greens, all around me as I swung on the swings. One day a butterfly flew right in front of me as I swung up high, I was so mesmerized by her beauty I didn't know what to do. I had never seen one this close before. I jumped of the swing, and followed her. I ran like I was running now, and I tried my best to keep up. The trees rushed past, and my shoes cracked fallen leaves and tapped the smooth pavement. I just kept running and running, till I came to an open spot, the trees surrounded me. But the butterfly disappeared. After a while I was going to walk back, when I saw that same butterfly on a tree, and one to follow, and another one, and another one, and another one, till I was surrounded by butterflies.. I cant remember being any happier. That's before people ruined me. Now I'm here running, no butterflies, no extravagant colors, nothing like that. I pushed past people, who yelled at me for pushing past them. I kept running though till my feet stopped. They stopped right in front of the hospital. With out another thought my feet were running, running right into the hospital. I ran in and nothing has changed on bit. Its still gloomy, its still dull, and its still a hospital. I saw Carlisle and he saw me. I raised my hand, to him, waving him down. He ran over to me.

"Miss swan. Is everything okay?" he put his hand on my shoulder. I shook my head, and put my hand to my head.

"Here lets go somewhere more private." He said and began to lead me down the big white hall, and to the last room in the back, I walked in and saw a note pad with a pen over on the counter I went to it and grabbed it, then sat myself on the little bed in the center of the room.

I wrote: _I hate your son. Have you banned him from talking to me or something?_

I went and gave it to Carlisle to read and answer. He looked at me very confused, like I had written in a different language.

"No…. why would you think that?" Carlisle handed me the notepad back with the pen, and I wrote just like I would explain it.

I wrote: _He said we couldn't be friends anymore. And then .. He said he wanted to. But we cant. And that's what he said Carlisle that we couldn't be friends.'_

"And why does that bother you?"

_Because . I thought he was my friend, or something close to that anyways. _

"How do you feel about him exactly?"

_I feel like… I don't know. _

"Well the feeling must be strong for you to react so angry. Am I wrong?"

_No. but your not right. _

"Why does it bother you, he doesn't want to be your friend Bella?"

_Because. _

My hand froze after 'Because.' I really didn't know, and I tried to ask my self the question over and over again in my mind, but nothing clicked. Why did I care if Edward was my friend or not, people did that to me all the time. People do those things to other people.

"Because?" Carlisle saw that I was stuck at because.

_I don't know. _I finished it.

"You don't know." He repeated, not angry, nor mad, or impatient, he was just saying what I had wrote. Just repeating. Thinking about it.

"I think. You need to think about that question first. Before we go on to anything else.' Carlisle, told me, a fatherly tone in his voice. I felt stupid now, running in here looking a mess all cause Edward doesn't want to be my friend.. It was childish, and dumb. I regret my decisions.

"You should talk to Edward." Carlisle looked down at his clip board. I shook my head furiously. there was no way in hell, I was talking to Edward. The whole running to Carlisle about him not wanting to be my friend was childish, but I had a right to be mad. Why? I don't know. Its not like he promised to be there for me or anything, or said he was my best friend. But it still angered me. I would figure out later why, but for now I'm angry with him. Carlisle saw me shaking my head and smiled a small smile. Then a knock was heard at the door, and Carlisle sighed like he already knew who it was.

"Come in." Carlisle sighed, and the door slowly opened, and there stood Edward. I almost turned my back at him, that's how stubborn I felt.

"Can I talk to Bella?" Edward asked his father, and I felt sort of special being able to see him talk to his dad. Why? Again I don't know.

"She doesn't want to talk to you." Carlisle whispered to Edward. Edward looked over at me, and I looked down at my hands.

"Bella, please just 2 minutes please." Edward begged, my eyes widened and I looked up at him, he looked honest. So I nodded, I just wanted to hear what he had to say. It took a moment for Carlisle to leave, it seemed they were having one of those silent conversations again. Something like what I saw in the parking lot earlier. What was that? How cou-

"Okay I'll be outside." Carlisle said to me, but still looking at Edward, and concerned look on Carlisle's face. Like a father, worried the water would be to cold for his little boy in the pool. That's exactly what it looked like. The door shut closed, and I put my eyes back to the ground.

"Bella I'm sorry." Edward said to me, his voice very gentle and soft. I grabbed the notepad beside me and the pen and replied to him.

I wrote : _Sure thing Edward. _

"Bella I really am. I didn't mean to make you cry." I could tell he was staring at me but I didn't dare look up at him.

_Its fine. I cry all the time._

"You shouldn't though. I wish- I." He didn't finish his sentence, so I wrote again.

_I understand you not wanting to be my friend._

He read it and a look of pain? Covered his face.

"No Bella I want to be your friend. I really do. Its just, it wouldn't work." He explained horribly. I snatched the notepad away and began writing.

_What? It wouldn't work because your better than me. It would ruin you to be seen with me?_

"That's ridiculous, that's not why and it would never be why. I don't even know how you could come up with such an idea." He was angry now, he was angry at me for guessing what I thought was the truth. He's hiding something from me. The words repeated in my head. I grabbed the notepad and wrote:

_Then why? _Yes Edward why.

"Because I'm different. Dangerous. And It would never work." He was still angry with me, I heard it in his tone.

I wrote: _Different, Dangerous how? _

I was on the edge of the bed now. Dangerous? Him? I thought it was me. Different? Yes I saw it. I saw how he could be different, how he could be considered different, but that's not what he was telling me. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked down. He exhaled loud.

"Bella trust me. Its not a good idea." He sighed. I snatched the notepad away from him again. Before I started writing again, I looked up at him, and his eyes were almost begging, he really doesn't want me to be his friend.

I wrote: _What makes you so dangerous. _

I handed him the note as he read it a smirk appeared on his face, and only made me angrier. But then the smirk disappeared, and my stomach dropped.

"I…cant answer that." He hesitated. He gave me back the notepad, and pen.

I wrote: _Why not. _

"I just cant. Your hiding something too."

I wrote: _I cant answer that Edward._

"Hiding so much, we could never be friends." His face was hard now.

I wrote: _Why did you even chase me down here Edward._

"Because you were crying."

I wrote: _Well I'm not crying anymore so you can leave now._

He looked at the note then at me. I wanted to yell at him, ask him why this couldn't work, I wanted to ask why he was so dangerous. I wanted to know. He put the notepad down on the counter and looked back at me.

"Fine." That single word came out of his perfect mouth, that single word scared me. He began walking slowly to the door, and then he walked out. Not even looking back at me. And once he left a single tear rolled down my cheek, and that single tear scared me. Carlisle came back in with a sympathetic smile on his face.

"I'm sure things will work out." Carlisle said. I rolled my eyes and got off the bed, I waved good bye and walked out of the room. What was the point. What was the point of this whole thing, of talking to Carlisle, of thinking some how Edward was different than people who treated me like crap, what was the point in crying about it, or fighting about it. It happened, and I guess I'll never know why. And how quickly it happened, right after I thought I could trust him with a secret. I mean I didn't know him well, but I needed to release, and I wanted to release to him. Why it felt like he was the only person in the world. When really he wasn't the only person in the world, there were many people in the world, and just because he was nice to me for a while. I realized I was making my way down the hall way of the hospital. I was walking alone. The hall quite, only a few murmurs heard from behind the doors I passed, but other than that, it was just me and my thoughts. I can get away from Edward and Carlisle by simply walking away, but to get away from myself. Is another story.

The next day:

I've been doing a good job ignoring Edward, if I saw him I would walk the other way, I don't think he noticed because he didn't even glance at me. I wasn't too excited about sitting next to him for a whole hour. I toyed with the idea of skipping, but after Charlie went on about it yesterday, I am ban from skipping and I need to just deal with it. I appreciated Charlie being straight forward with me. At the end of his lecture I gave him a hug. So I'm forced to see Edward. As I walked into my next class, I feel, comfortable, I feel better that Edward isn't in here, but I spot his sister, who sits behind me. I haven't ever talked to her nor has she spoke to me. She smiles at me every time I enter the class, but I never thought anything about it till today. I felt like every person connected with Edward, decided not to be my friend. I tried hard not to think that, but I couldn't help it. I took my seat, and avoided the people whispering about me at the table next to me. All girls. Figures.

"Hi I'm Alice Cullen." Her voice came from behind me. I turned around to meet face to face with the short haired pixie like girl. I waved with a raise of my hand, and she smiled wider. I turned back around and ripped a paper out of my notebook, and wrote

_Hi I'm Bella Swan._

And then turned to her and passed it to her. She read it like she greeted me. With a smile. I turned back around and that's all that happened that period. That's when it hit me. It hit me like a ton of

Bricks. If I ever talk again, I want to talk to her. And just like that she was tangled in with everyone else in my life, she was tangled in Bella's web. Somehow just by her saying hi , I knew that. And I will tell you I'm not sure of a lot of things but I knew this somehow.

Sure I'll deny it now, but tomorrow and how about the next day when she says hi again. I put my head down not wanting to know the answers now, just wanting the questions to go away so they could stop adding up .

Just stop adding up. That whole class went slow, and I almost begged for next period. Then when the bell, rang I almost begged to stay.

But I was soon walking to my next class, and even sooner after that I was walking into the classroom. And yep Edward was there sitting, staring straight ahead. I took a deep breathe and went to take my seat next to him.

I kept my eyes on the board the whole time. No hello, no nothing, just the noise around us. That was it. I sat there just staring at the board as the teacher began lecturing, and I just stared. Even though I wasn't talking to Edward, my mind was thinking about Edward and I wish it would stop. I decided to take just a quick peek at Edward.

When I looked over at him, he looked like he was annoyed at first, but when I stared his feature softened, and he slowly began to turn his head to look at me, and I turned away fast. Did his eyes change color? The rest of the period went by dreadfully slow. But once that bell rang I was out. The rest of the day went by … dully. I walked home, and when I got home. I cried about sandy, tried calling Aurora not knowing what to say, but she didn't answer so I didn't have to worry about it. Then I did homework at around 1:00am , then went to sleep.

The weekend:

I haven't let my self decide, but I know that if I had a voice I would speak. About? I'm not sure, but I would say something. I would turn to Alice who sits behind me, and say 'hi.' I would turn to Edward and say 'I hate you', but only not really. I would go to Carlisle and say 'you helped.' I would go to Sandy's grave and say 'sorry.' That wouldn't be enough though. It would never be enough. I would tell my mom and dad ' I love you'. I would say things that wouldn't help anything. I would say things that wouldn't help the pain inside, I would say things that would just make things worse. That's what I use to think. But now as I sit here in the back yard, with bagged flower seeds spread everywhere, trying to decide which flower first, I think: If I had a voice…. It would help. The sun is out today, and it shines right above me, but the tree still covers most of it, I can feel it. I love the sun. One of the few things is love is the sun. Jacob use to be my sun, on those hard days, but he slipped away. Far away, he became the storm that washed everything away. Hm. I picked up the rose seeds. I want roses. To remind me of love. What it felt like to be loved.

**A/N: So the next chapters should be coming up very, very soon, like tomorrow I think I will have one up, and the next day I will have another one up because I know exactly what I want to happen and exactly how its going to happen. Things are just getting started so stay with me here and please be patient. I wanted to put everything into this chapter, but it seemed like things would be happening too soon. So please keep reading and reviewing. Thanks :]**


	8. Give up

2 weeks later.

I fail to know what it really is I'm looking for.

Today would be a Monday, like any other. I would walk the halls, and pretend I didn't see anyone, pretend I didn't notice Edward or Jenny passing me in the halls. Or the whispering about me was on silent, like myself. I sit by myself at lunch and read a book, trying my hardest to block out all the noise, and unnecessary talking. I play with my hands when people stare at me too long. That happens a lot. I think about the roses I have growing in the backyard, and what flower should be planted next. I try my hardest to stop everything around me…. It doesn't work. They still snicker as I pass, My heart still races when Edward walks by, tears still swell in my eyes when Jenny glares at me, and I cry when I cant explain something. I would call this Monday. Everyday is like Monday. Oh what wonderful Monday. I took my seat right in front of Alice Cullen, and she gave me a warm smile, as she always does, and I nod, what more can I do? But today as I faced the board waiting for class to start, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Alice with that warm smile on her face.

"Hey Bella, My dad wanted me to tell you." She whispered then leaned in closer for more privacy, because the once loud room with socializing girls, went silent, and it wasn't because the teacher came in, it was because Alice Cullen the beauty, was talking to the freak.

"He told me he wants to see you after school." She continued. I would have to thank her for keeping that on the down low. She seemed nice. I nodded, and then looked to my side to see all the table of girls staring at us.

"Don't mind them, their just amazed, watching the two freaks of the school communicate." Alice said sarcastically, and I smiled. I actually smiled a real smile, it felt good. And then I turned back around to face the board. Did she say freaks? I didn't se her as a freak. The last thing she was , was a freak to me. I mean if I was a freak then I'm pretty sure Alice was far from a freak. Sure she was a little different , and probably the smartest person in class, but I wouldn't consider a freak. I would consider her.. Sweet. The rest of the day those thoughts stuck with me. Like glue. Even as I walked to the hospital to see Carlisle, the word Freak put next to the Cullen's didn't fit. Nothing fit next to Cullen's but perfect, beautiful. Words like that. But next to Edward Cullen, words like arrogant, jerk, fit. How is it that Alice isn't to 'dangerous' to be my friend.. Wait.. There I go calling her my friend, when she could do the same thing Edward did. No one could be trusted. I shook my head trying to get rid of all the thoughts piling up, building up into those questions I didn't want to answer.

2 weeks later.

Imagine me, alive, again.

It's Friday again, and its just like the Friday before that and the Friday before that and probably the Friday before that… Its Friday.

"Do you have any money to donate?" A girl ask me as I enter the grocery store, I look at her and keep walking into the store. She looked like a cheerleader, or a girl scout, her hair blonde, her face bright, her cheeks red, and even in the gloom she shined. I use to be like her, I use to be bright like her, maybe shy and more to myself, but I use to be normal like her. As I entered the store, I prayed people wouldn't ruin her.

I walked into the store looking down at my hands, trying to forget I want to cry, trying to forget how badly, I hate grocery stores, how badly I want to forget my connection with it. How -not this grocery store- but a one similar, with the same sign , the same aisles, the same products, was a memory. I know unbelievable. But I cant seem to ignore the past, it haunts me where ever I go, and I wish it would stop. I wish it would stop.

"Can I help you?" One of the workers asked me, as I stood there in the middle of the store just staring off into the distance. I bit my lip, shook my head and walked away, deeper into the grocery store, or the past. If I spoke I would have said 'No sir, I'm afraid you can not help me.'

I walked my way to the gardening section of the store, the flowers here at the grocery store were much cheaper than the ones at a real gardening store, and plus, I don't know where there is one, so this would have to do. I only have roses in my little garden in the back, and there are plenty of flowers to chose from back at home, but not the flowers I want, not flowers that will do. Charlie thinks it was a good idea for me to garden, and so does Carlisle, but that's not why I do it, I don't do it to express any hidden emotion. I do it to remember, to remember what it feels like to hold valuable emotions, to feel again. Sadly it only paints a picture.

As I stood there looking at the different flower seeds they had, I tried to connect them with a time. A specific time in my life.

"I love tulips!" A beautiful voice exclaimed from beside me, I quickly turned to her a bit startled. She was pale, and beautiful, and just by looking at her, I knew she was Cullen. She reached to get the tulips, looking so happy, just because of the flowers, like she had found the most valuable treasure in the world.

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't see you there dear." Her sweet voice, greeted me, and I wanted to greet back. One problem. I cant. So I simply nodded at her, maybe a small grin on my face. Talk to me please.

"I'm Esme Cullen. You must be Bella Swan, I know that beautiful face anywhere." She smiled a motherly smile and reached out her hand to shake mine, I shake it gladly but confusion in my eyes, and clearly she see's that.

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm Carlisle's wife, and I saw you at the hospital last week." She grinned. Oh ! How hadn't I seen her? This was Edwards mom, I'm talking to. She's beautiful, and so sweet. I put an 'oh! I remember,' look on my face, she must know I don't talk, because she hasn't looked at me like I'm crazy yet.

"He cares deeply about you." She touched my shoulder, an didn't flinch away from her touch, I stood there. Looking into her eyes, as she said each word, like she was speaking from her heart.

"You like to garden?" She removed her hand and looked back at the flowers, then at me for my answer and I nodded my head.

"Oh lovely !" She smiled wide at me.

"I have a garden. Its still being worked on." She sighed.

"How about yours? Is it full?" She asked me, and talking to her was like nothing, like I have known her for years. She was so kind, and talkative. She looked at me for my answer and I shook my head as a 'no.' She looked back at the flower seeds after my reply.

"Well I bet its coming along great." She smiled again at me. Nothing weird about it, just very warm. Like Alice's smiles. She took a few moments looking threw flower seeds, trying to find the right flower I suppose. I wanted to help but I didn't know how to ask. So I just watched her. she looked very determined to find the right flowers. After looking for a few more minutes she finally found what she was looking for.

"Aw, got them." She smiled at the flower seed package in her hand.

"It was nice seeing you Bella, it really was." She gave me a hug, and walked out of the aisle. She walked gracefully out the aisle, and I watched. I opened my mouth wanting so badly to talk, but no sound came out, and tears began to swell in my eyes. I closed then opened my mouth again. Nothing, at all. Other people joined me in the aisle looking at flowers, humming to them selves, some talking to them selves , saying sorry when they bumped into me. I grabbed the flowers I saw first, and began walking out of the aisle and to the cash register. Where a girl greeted me, and asked me how my day was going, and I just looked down at my hands and played with them. She gave me the total and I gave her my money, she gave me change and I almost ran out of the store. And on my way out, that perky girl people to donate money, was standing out there, looking at me, her face bright, hope in her eyes. I walked up to her, and handed her my change, she thanked me, and watched me walk away. And like that I would never have to worry about her again, because I just walked away from her, just like I walk away from everyone else. But its myself I cant walk away from. I cant ignore myself, its impossible. My thoughts keep going, and going and going, my memory keeps reminding me and reminding me, and reminding me… I walk alone, like always, the gloom today is especially gloomy. For some reason. As I walked, I counted my steps, trying to distract myself.

"Bella!" Someone called form behind me, and I know the squeaky voice anywhere. I wanted to start running but I looked behind me and there was Jenny coming up behind me. What could she possibly want.

"Bella!" She said as she approached me out of breathe.

"Bella… its … important." She breathed. Her eyes were red like she had been crying and it looked like she had been up all night. He hair was down and in her face, and she was wither on the edge of a panic attack, or a heart attack, I couldn't tell which.

"Its Ruth." I put my hand to my mouth. What does she mean. Where is this going. She began to cry tears going down her . Its Ruth can mean so many things. It can lead to so much. What is she saying. I touched Jenny's shoulder, shaking her a bit. She looked up and the look in her eyes scared me to death. It was pure sadness, nothing I have ever seen in my life. Is that what people saw when they looked at me.

"Ruth… she's.. dead." She sniffed. Ruth. Dead. I just felt a whole part of me die again. Ruth was just as much apart of the Sandy accident as I was. I was Ruth's best friend her backbone. When the blaming started she, stood up for me… at first… then she believed them, and pointed her finger at me. She pointed her finger right at me. I never hated her, I still thought of her as a friend , even though I was nothing to her. I tried my best to hold on to her, but she let go, and I was forced to let go . She was like Jacob and Aurora. And now she's dead. Gone. When and how. Jenny was now sobbing in front of me, and I realized that the screaming, was me. I was so far away from everything, I was so lost in everything. I was tangled up. I was twisted, I was sick, I was disgusted with myself.

"BELLA! SHE COMMITED SUICIDE!" Jenny was yelling over her sobs, and mine. I froze, my sobbing went down a little, and so did hers. I was waiting for the part to come, the part where she tells me how, how she did. How she took her own life. How she gave up.

"She.. SHE… she jumped. ..- Bella! She jumped off the bridge.. The same bridge Sandy jumped off of." Jenny sobbed. I fell to my knees. I fell to my knees and held my heart into my chest as I sobbed to the ground. Everything around me was moving in slow motion, everything was getting blurry and I couldn't breathe. My head hurt, my throat burned, my hands ached from slamming into the rocks. I saw her. Ruth. It was the image I always kept of her, it was the last time I saw her. Alive breathing, Ruth. She was sitting in a park alone, swinging on a swing, her hair covering all of her face, due to the wind. I didn't walk up to her, and I didn't want to. So I just stare at her, from all the way across the park, I stood there, wishing I knew what to say. It didn't matter because no matter what I said, I knew things wouldn't change, everything would be the same. Soon she realized she was being watched. She looked up t me and the smallest grin appeared on her face. I considered it a smile. I knew it was the best I would ever get again. She looked back down and continued swinging, pretending I wasn't there anymore. That was the last time I saw her.

"Bella?" Jenny called, me but I realized the humming noise in the distance was her calling me continuously. Jenny helped from off the ground, and I stood in front of her, now both of our eyes red, and puffy.

"Jacob and Aurora, plan to visit us soon." Jenny sniffed.

"My mom got a call from Jacob's Dad." She continued. "They say she seemed fine. But then she disappeared and they found her body."

"Your mom knows, she called Charlie, and he was suppose to tell you but… its Ruth. And Ruth was ours.. And I needed to tell you Bella." She sniffed.

"She was just as messed up as all of us are… it could have happened to anyone… but it happened to Ruth." She paused and looked me in the eye when she said anyone. She meant me. Everyone thought I would be the first to go. Everyone thought. Everyone thought wrong.

"Are you going to be okay?" She touched me shoulder. When did we become such good friends. I shrugged off her hand and shook my head. No Jenny, I will not be okay, no jenny don't ever touch me again, , no jenny Ruth wasn't ours, and no Jenny, you did not need to tell me. I thought it, and wished I could speak it out loud, but instead I walked away. Like I always do. Just walking away. I kept my head down as I speed walked home. As I walked I cried. People stared when I walked by, but the didn't know anything. They knew absolutely nothing at all. The didn't know that I had, had the last straw, that I was giving up right before their eyes. The don't know I was involved with a suicide, they don't know my two best friends are dead. These people have lives of there own, they don't know a thing about me, but how much you want to bet, they are calling me crazy as I walk past. No one knows I'm giving up, except me. No one knows but me, or maybe everyone see's it.

They just aren't telling me. I reached the house, and the door was unlocked, I ran in and I saw Charlie standing by the staircase and ignored him. I ran up to my room, with out taking a second look at him. I ran into my room and collapsed on the bed. Crying. I cant find reason for anything and I cant look at anyone with out, looking at myself, I do what everyone else does. Blame myself. I'm no better than them . I'm just as bad. I cried myself to sleep, and hoped I would never have to wake. I hoped for death. Something I tried not to hope for, for so long.

**A/N: Okay so again this chapter is pretty short, but it's a big piece of the story. **

**Questions like : Will she commit suicide ? **

**Will Edward stop being a Jerk and just let her in to his secret world? When do Aurora and Jacob come into the story more.**

**WHEN IS BELLA GOING TO SPEAK? **

**Are beginning to build up . **

**Well please do me a favor and tell me what is it you are most looking forward to, minus Bella speaking again, that ones pretty obvious lol. REVIEW and tell me what it is you want to read most. **

**PS Thank you to those of you who review it means a lot and I keep writing because of it . Thanks. :]**


	9. Never again

**A/N: I just want to thank all my reviewers! thats why i keep writing. so thanks guys :] and enjoy.**

2 days later

Edward Cullen, is haunting me.

It, just sort of annoyed me. How is it that even when I dream nothing He is still in my dreams.

He somehow got in there, when I was blocking out everything else. I wanted to throw him out of my memory, he just made me hate everything more, he just made things worse. The rain got my attention for a good 2 minutes, I watched it slide down my window pane. I watched, and maybe I will watch it for the very last time. You hear that? That's me giving up. Do you hear the faint whispers dieing down, you know why? Because there's nothing to whisper about folks. Nothing. Just silent, just as silent as my dream, and just like Edwards name, my name will slide into your minds, and you'll think why? You'll think why is she still in my mind. Then it will haunt you, and people will blame you, and you will get to be ruined by everyone, or you will ruin yourself.

Some will say the decision I making is because I'm weak. Yes, exactly, I'm so weak, I can not do it, and therefore I am giving up. I wont say goodbye to anyone, because no one says goodbye to me, they just leave. I wont bother anyone with suicide notes, and I wont blame it on anyone other than my self. Because I'm weak, and it is my fault, it really is. One thing led to another, and now I'm here, telling my self, its over. I'm giving up. I rolled onto my side. But what if I share this with Carlisle. What could he possibly do. Well his opinion, always means a lot to me. Why . I don't know. I have to tell him. I got out of bed and washed up a bit, threw on some new clothes, with out looking in the mirror. Charlie wasn't home today, he must have gone somewhere.

So I didn't leave a note, I didn't leave a thing. I just headed out. I don't want people stopping me, because this is the end. And no one can stop the end. It just sort of happens. So I want people to let it happen. I don't count Carlisle as people right now. Maybe he would pull me to my senses, maybe I have no senses. As I walk an unfamiliar way, I try my hardest not to think about Ruth or Sandy, or anything like that.. I try not to think of Edward and his dangerous secrets, I'll never know. I try to think this is my last day. That sounds good. It sounds good to think, everything anyone ever wanted from me doesn't matter because today is my last day, and if I don't do it today, it doesn't matter, because I wont be here to pay for the consequences tomorrow.

Irresponsible some may call me. And I will accept that. The way I was walking to the hospital was completely different then the way I usually walk, it was raining so it was hard to see which way I should turn, but I know this way was a different way then I usually walk, cause the railing that led to the free way isn't anywhere to be found, the stop sign that's near the end of the street isn't visible. I stopped walking and listened to the rain, then turned behind me, then in front of me, then beside me, and none of this looked familiar. So I just started walking to where ever ahead was. I couldn't see a stop sign, but I had to see something soon if I keep walking. So I walked, and I thought more about what was ahead and how I will get back more than anything. I was thankful for the distraction. That is until the distraction led to the beginning. As I walked in the rain, trying to find out where I was going, I came across a bridge. A cement bridge, kind of like the one my two bets friends jumped off of.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as memories flooded back , the way Sandy looked when she jumped, the anger she had towards me, the pain I had caused, the pain she had caused all in one, and then she jumped. The fear I had when she was pacing back and forth on the edge of the bridge, the things I lost while she was falling, while she was alive in the air, and all lost when she hit the ground dead. The tears were coming rapidly now, and I couldn't breathe correctly, I couldn't see correctly, and the rain wasn't helping. I started taking slow steps towards the bridge. Slowly, as my heart raced as fast as it ever had, as my heart shattered into a million pieces and fell into those tiny cracks, I will never get back, those tiny cracks that take in everything and never get them back… its always the tiny cracks that get in the way. That's when I saw her again. This time she was here in the rain pacing back and forth on the edge of the bridge.

"Its your fault!" She spit at me and stared me right in the eyes.

"its your fault!" She yelled at me and I realized I was sobbing.

"Its your fault!" She screamed and it was louder than my heart beat.

"Its your fault BELLA!" She smirked my name as she yelled it.

"Say something !" She yelled. I opened my mouth but only sobs came out, I open my heart and nothing comes out, I open my ears and I hear nothing. It happens all the time. It happens all the time. My fault. I closed my eyes hoping this image of her would disappear, hoping by some miracle… I opened my eyes and I saw her jump, I saw it again, I saw it like it just happened. She jumped and ran and I reached out over the edge hopping that by some miracle I caught her. But I looked down , it was just a puddle of rain. I gripped the edge of the bridge holding the coldness and wetness, feeling the soft marble texture against my hands. I pounded it with my fist. The anger in me built the pain in me to much to bare, my tears to much to handle.

Carlisle cant help, and I don't even know where I am . The pain will only get stronger, the pain will only grow. This is it. I lifted my self and put one leg on the edge and then the other, so I was standing right on the edge of the bridge. My sobbing loud and hysteric, my hand gripping my sweats , and my other hand out feeling the rain. This is what it felt like to them, this is what it was like, and now I'm doing it, now this is the end. The end is taking place now, and no one is here to stop it. The rain trickled down my face and all over my body, the cold mad me shiver, but my sobs were keeping me warm. it's a shame. I never got to speak. I never got let someone hear my thoughts. I'll never get to speak to Alice, or my father. Or anyone who mattered to me. I'll never get to go where I wanted to go in life, I'll never be who I wanted to be. I never thought I would, but here I am ending it all now. Taking it away from myself before anyone else does. So before I go my final thoughts:

_I saw you standing in the cold alone, I asked you to be my friend, you offered to stick by my side forever and you killed your self because of me. Best friends Sandy._

_I never spoke to you and I hate you only not really, I wish you never stopped being my friend. But that's stupid, so do me a favor and forget me, forget me entirely Edward entirely. _

_Hi Alice Cullen, I'm Bella Cullen. The words I wish could speak to you. _

_Mother and Father I love you so much. _

_Carlisle you helped me. But you can not help me anymore, this is the end. Don't blame yourself please, I know what that feels like, and I would never want to put you thru that. _

_To everyone else who chose the rumors over the truth, who took the little and made it big, who believed everything said and not done. To those who believed me, when I lied. Go to hell. I'll see you there. _

The wind blows me one way , then the other, I'm losing balance and my heart begins to shutter. The rains in my ears, pounding against the pavement, chanting 'jump, jump, jump, jump.' And just like that I'm in the circus, The girl on the rope tip toeing to the other side, but a fantastic trick never done before, she'll jump and disappear, into the water sphere. The crowd hollers and chants, she's holding her breath. She pray to the lord that she once doubted asking him for forgiveness, if this is it, she prays that if she never see's the next day, that things work out in a more complicated way. She looks up and then she looks down, the crowd is getting antsy now. Counting from 5.

To four.

She's going to jump.

Three..

She had a few bumps in the practice but its time.

Two

In my case I never counted to two.

One.

I never considered it.

She jumps.

Tears rolling down my cheeks both my arms out balancing, I take that leap, that will end everything.

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**A/N: I'm not mean… so I'll continue :]**

I hear my name loud and clear, its not a delusion or part of my imagination this time, its here. I hear it.

"Bella!"

Then I feel arms around me pushing me down to the cold pavement, my head hits nothing, someone's holding me tight, against there cold hard body. I feel shocked, yet safe.

"Bella." He whispers in my ear, and I know its Edward Cullen. I don't push away and I don't scream. I'm overwhelmed. I cant feel my fingers, it could be the cold, but my body close to Edward, makes me feel so warm. I hear a sobbing sound in the distance and after a few moments I realize its me. I'm crying into Edwards shoulder, and I cant breathe. He's letting me ruin his shirt, although the rain has pretty much soaked it.

"Bella." He sighed in a relief and squeezed me tighter, in his hold, I grabbed on to his neck and pushed myself closer to him. I wasn't close enough. He released his strong hold and sat be down beside him on the pavement his arm still around my waste, and I untangled my self from him. My sobs hadn't calmed and I could feel his eyes on me as I looked at something afar. I finally looked at him. In those beautiful topaz eyes, I saw pain, I saw hurt, and I saw so many other emotions I cant even describe, that there's not even a name for. His hair was soaked, and water ran down his face. His beauty brightens this gloomy day even in this rain. I want this, I want him to hear. He's looking at me, he's staring at me, some emotion burning in his eyes, that neither one of us can describe

. I reached out to touch his face, his cold smooth face, and he didn't flinch away, or look at me like I was crazy, he kept that same emotion on his face. I forced it out. I saw it and I wanted to say it. I always thought about how it would feel to say his name, and with him looking at me like this, I felt like I could do anything. Then it all hit me and I broke down, to a level I have never been. I cried so hard, I might explode with tears. This pain was unbearable. I feel the weight of every problem I've ever had crashing down on me, putting me low, to the deepest of low, I feel the rain, but somehow Edward's ice cold arm wrapped around my waste kept me warm. Somehow, I was thinking about tomorrow. I needed to tell Edward something I wanted to do something.

"Bella.. What's wrong?" Edward put his hand on my hand this time, I wanted to analyze the feeling but things were being forced out of me.

He pulled me into his arms, and I felt his lips kiss my forehead, I felt my heart skip a beat, and I felt my knees go weak.. I took a deep breathe. I wanted to say something . I wanted him to know something . I opened my mouth……….. And nothing came out. I tried pushing out a sentence but nothing came out. My tears blurred my vision, and I pushed against Edward so he would let go and when he did, he looked down at me confused. I opened my mouth ,and when nothing came out he knew, What I was talking about.

I felt the shaking stop, I felt it all stop, and the pain was gone to . For a second my mind went blank. I just played a cruel, cruel joke on myself, I could almost hear that voice deep inside, laughing at me. The anger was back. The reason I wanted to jump off that bridge was clear. The reasons, how and why Edward stopped, me are unclear, and I don have time to find out. I stood myself up and tried to hurl myself over the bridge, but Edward was to quick and in a second I was in his arms, he was cradling me like a baby, and I'm sure I was crying like one. A sharp pain hit me in my heart and I let the darkness take me away. I hoped it kept me. After all I deserved it.

-waking up-

"MM." I wined at the throbbing in my head and my eyes fluttered open. I was in a dim room, and something warm was on my head, warm and wet.

"Shh." A sweet voice hummed, and patted my head with the warm cloth. Then the stranger leaned in, and Alice was staring over me. Her eyes sparkling in the dim room. Where am I ? was my first thought. Why is Alice leaning over me?

"You've been out for a long time. You almost gave Edward a heart attack." She sighed, then giggled about something, something I clearly didn't understand. I felt a tear go down the side of my face, as I remembered everything that happened before I passed out. Alice saw it, she wiped it away.

"Bella. I don't know what led up to you wanting to do that this morning. But." She leaned in closer to whisper into my ear.

"Trust me, we need you here, if anyone Edward. Plus who's going to be my best-" She was interrupted by someone coming into the room, Alice leaned away from me.

"Okay Alice I think you have done enough." Edward stood at the doorway, glaring at Alice. Alice stuck her tongue out at him, and he rolled his eyes. I wanted to laugh. It felt special, seeing a moment between Edward and his sister. It reminded of me and Jacob, till Sandy ruined that of course. I felt that bitter feeling in my stomach. Alice got up from behind me and began walking towards the door.

"Bye Bella." Alice waved at me and walked out of the room leaving me and Edward alone. Edward walked towards me slowly, and I laid there watching his every move. His eyes looked tired and worried, yet held there sparkle, they always did. I sat up so I was sitting and I just now noticed the many pillows surrounding me. He walked over and sat where Alice was sitting and I turned to face him both of us just staring at one another. He put his hand thru his hair, and I enjoyed it to much.

"Bella, I had to tell Carlisle." He sighed. I was hoping he didn't say that, I nodded and looked at my hands. How was I suppose to explain my actions , how am I suppose to cover this one up. I cant that's it. See I didn't think about this because, if things would have worked out as planned I would be dead.

"Why did you do that?" His face went to confusion to anger, I had to look back down at my hands, and I couldn't stop the tears that dropped on my hands. The pain of the story behind everything I do, the story behind my silence. Its wasn't a story really. More a tragedy than anything. I just shook my head. Edward got up from the chair and I expected him to leave, but I felt the bed under me shift and that's because someone is now sitting next to me. I looked up and Edward's faces was only an inch from mine. His sweet scent intoxicating me, his lips only an inch from mine. I don't think he intended to get this close, but I was close enough to him. I could see everything, and yet no flaw was found. How is that possible. Its not.

"I know were not friends." His eyes focused on my through out the whole sentence. He wants me to know something. I want him to know something. We have something in common. He stared at me, waiting for something, for me to speak? Oh no that wasn't happening. I wish it would, so I could describe everything, so I can tell him things I'm not even sure I want to tell him, but it feels like I have to tell him.

"But can you at least tell me what you were thinking?" None of what he said sounded harsh, none of it, it all sounded honest like he really wanted to know what I was thinking. And just for that I wanted to answer my very best, my absolute best. I tried my hardest to look away from Edward, one of the hardest things to do, but I finally did it. I put my hands out and looked around the room, I needed pen and paper. If he really wanted to know what were suppose to be my last thoughts. Then fine.

He noticed my gesture and got up from the bed and went into a darker, corner of the room. I heard things shuffling around, but I couldn't see anything because it was very dim in here and each corner of this room was dark. He came back from the corner with a pen ad paper I his hands, he sat down beside me, just as close as before, and if so even closer. He handed me the paper and pen. I hesitated as I tried and remember exactly what I was thinking. I tried to think back, to when I was standing on the edge, about to jump, about to end what should have never began.

I began writing: _I was thinking.. How I wish I could speak to you, and yell at you,, and how I hate you ignoring me. I was thinking, how I really wanted to actually speak to Alice, I was thinking that I love my mom and dad, and then I thanked Carlisle for helping, and I didn't want him to blame it on himself, because I know how that feels. And then I thought : to every one who helped destroy my life with many others by believing those rumors.. Got to hell, I'll meet you there._

I cried as I wrote and I skipped the Sandy part.. No one needed to read that. I didn't want to remember that right now. I handed the paper to Edward although I know he could have read it over my shoulder, because of how close we were sitting.

"Bella, I'm sorry." He sighed, and handed me the notepad, our hands touched gently and I felt a jolt of electricity run thru me. It went silent for a moment, I like to think its because he felt our hands touch. I'd like to think a lot of things.

"I'm giving up Bella." His words repeated my own. There's a whole lot of giving up today. I listened for more as I looked at my hands.

What are you giving up Edward? I wanted to ask. Not his life, please not his life…. I want him to stay -

"I'm giving up trying to stay away from you. I cant do it anymore." He put a hand thru his hair. I know its pathetic, but I know I enjoyed those words coming out of his mouth, although I wish I didn't. I wish, I wish , I wish. I looked up at him, and there was the face, that face that confused me beyond confusion.. Like there was some deep answer In his eyes, and I tried my hardest to find it.

"I-' Long pause, very long.. A pause that scared me. "I have to go." He got off the bed and walked right out the door closing it behind him. I didn't even get angry this time. I laid back on the bed and stared at the wall. My eyes wide open, my thoughts roaming, my breathing calm. It must be dark outside, because there is no day light shining thru, unless there are no windows here. Its strange I don't even know where here is. I could be anywhere, but I didn't know where I was, and I really didn't care. The dim lamp on the table beside me was the only light in the room. It made everything warm and orange.

The bed I'm laying on is quite comfortable, but all the pillows surrounding me were making me hot. I decided that the light was making me uncomfortable, so I reached over and turned it off. The room went black, but I notice a light shining in the room, just a small light, but enough to light up the wall a bit. A white light. I rolled over so I could see behind me and there thru wide glass doors, was the moon, and below the moon, was trees, thousands and thousands, but the moon, stole their spot light. The clouds were gone from earlier, and I could see the moon clearly. I got up from the bed and began walking towards the tall and wide glass doors.

My feet thumping whispers against the floor. My hands reaching out as I get closer and my eyes are locked on the silver doorknob. My hand on the cold door knob, turning and opening the beautiful glass door, letting in a cool soft breeze, that made me hold myself. The soft wind moved the trees gracefully from side to side. I closed my eyes and took it all in. I took in everything about it. The peacefulness I felt for just a few second. A few seconds was enough, I was grateful. I leaned against the frame of the glass door, staring out. I closed my eyes for just a moment, and all signs of peace were gone. Because when I close my eyes, I see everything I don't want to see. I see her, Sandy. Staring at me, her big green eyes, and her ruffled brown hair, like she just walked from the beach.

"Bells!" She would smile at me her teethe showing at all, that smile of her was always so warm.

"Lets do something crazy today!" She would laugh. She was the most carefree person I knew. She was amazing.

"You're crazy." I would always reply and she would roll her eyes with a smile.

"Or we can ice cream 'buttoned up Bella'." She would smile and link arms with me. Ruth never to far away, would always join us, somewhere along our day, and end up being hilarious. Always judging guys 1-10 as they walked by, pretending to have a British accent. And I as sandy put it buttoned up Bella, played it safe, but I knew they enjoyed my company just as I enjoyed theirs. Sandy alive, Ruth Alive. That is until Sandy's dad moved away, everything went down hill. Sandy stopped calling me every night, and when I would take a walk on my own, I would always see Ruth and we would end up spending the day together. I hadn't heard from Sandy in a week, so I went to her house. She answered the door, and she looked a mess. Like she hadn't slept, her eyes puffy and red, like she had been crying.

"Sandy-" I started, but she put one hand out to stop me.

"Bella, I'm fine. My dad left us finally. Not that we didn't get any warnings before. It just actually happened this time." She sighed.

"You haven't been to school." I frowned, I couldn't see why she had an attitude.

"I've been taking care of my mom." She looked down at the ground.

"Maybe I could help." I suggested.

"Bella you cant." She took a big sigh, annoyed maybe.

"Why?" Where was this attitude coming from?

"You don't understand." She said thru her teeth. I just stared at her. I had never seen her like this.

"I guess I don't." I said confusion is my tone.

"You don't know how it feels to have your father leave you, with an alcoholic. You don't know how much I wish I had gone with him." She breathed, anger in her voice.

"Let me remind you, I haven't seen my father-" She cut me off again.

"Cut the crap Bella, we all know you don't have a father." She spat at me. I just ran away from her, I ran down the street in tears, I couldn't believe what I had just heard , I never was sensitive on that subject till now, till she took it and put it in my mind as negative. When she finally returned to school, I was thinking about ignoring her, but she sat by me at lunch and acted like none of that happened, like I hadn't even showed up at her house. I sort of wanted to forget, I was so glad that nothing was weird that I just went with it. We sat we laughed with Ruth, and things were going great, for a week and some days.

Maybe that's how long it took for the rumors to spread, maybe she planned it. It was Friday and we were sitting in the cafeteria. Ruth always had a deep connection with her brother, Ryan, they were best friends. He was always around to cheer her on. He was eating with us today and Ryan had started tickling her, I was laughing hysterically at Ruth's reactions, and Sandy became very interested in what she was eating. The room became silent, no one was speaking and I was the first to notice. Everyone in the cafeteria stared wide eyes, at them, and soon they noticed. I had no idea what was going on.

"Dude c'mon she's your sister !" One of the jocks yelled, and everyone except the four of us broke out it laughter. Ruth and Ryan knew what he meant. Rumor 1 Ryan was sleeping with his sister Ruth. Ruth got up and ran out of the cafeteria, I ran after her, while Sandy staid in her seat across from Ryan, to comfort him I thought. But now I know it was for other reason. She didn't want to look bad in front of her crowed, the crowed who had given in to her lie. It took a while before Ruth came out of the bathroom stall. She went on and on about how sick minded everyone is. I couldn't blame her if someone accused my brother of sleeping with me, I would be pretty ticked. The next day Sandy was a know show. I didn't go to her house to check why.

But other than Ryan and Ruth becoming very distant, the month was pretty normal, that is until rumor after rumor was spread and when my name was in their mouths, was when things got out of hand. But if all that stuff never happened, I would still be able to look at my smiling Sandy, and be able to go get ice cream with Ruth. But both of them gone, and today was my day to go. Then I see Edward. Looking at me, just like he was looking at me a few moments ago. The one who stopped me. Why though? He send me mixed signals, he makes it hard for me to sleep at night, and my thoughts always lead up to him in the end, everything always connects back to Edward in the end. I try my best to figure him out, but he remains a mystery….

Maybe he thinks of me as a mystery… The things I want to say. The things I want to ask. But I cant. I looked up at the moon, and I opened my mouth praying that words would come out.. But nothing. that's when my tears became more serious, less controllable. The pain in my chest aching. Since Edward, I have never wanted to talk so much, I have never wanted to say so much, I have never wanted to explain anything so much. How is it he could do that to me? He meant nothing to me, he was just a boy, an insignificant boy, who is causing me pain. Make it stop please make it stop. Please make the pain stop.

My thoughts were moving to fast now, my heart was beating to fast. I saw Sandy, and then I saw Edward, I saw Ruth and then I saw Ryan, then I saw Alice.. And again the last thing I saw was Edward again. I heard the door open behind me and I spun around. Edward looked panicked. I wonder how I looked to him… probably crazy. Tears were rolling down my cheek, I was panting like a dog, and my heart was loud enough for anyone to hear. And suddenly looking at Edward with that pained expression on his face, the face that showed he wanted to help, I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.. He didn't pull away… he pulled me closer squishing me in his arms.. Me crying into his shoulder, and he just held on to me.

"Edward." I whispered so low, I couldn't even hear it, and I didn't even mean to say it, so many thoughts ran to my head, so many feelings ran through me I cant even describe. My first word in a year or even longer… his name. I felt him freeze. At that moment.. I knew it… Edward meant everything.

**A/N: PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. The updating will keep coming fast. i promise, just keep reviewing please !**

**love ya!**

**-danielle.**


	10. Remember

**A/N: Okay so this Chapter isn't the longest but its something and I wanted this to be up as soon as possible so enjoy and **** thank you to all my reviewers!!**

Edward. His name repeated in my head, as I cried into his shoulder, he didn't pull away or try to get me off of him he just squeezed me. My tears were uncontrollable, everything was so much. The feeling of the word slipping out of my mouth even though it was hardly audible, felt like such a relief, but it was painful. Edward. I wanted to say it over and over again, the way it rolls of my tongue. I wanted to tell him so much, I wanted him to know so much, starting now.

"Edward." I whispered through my cries. He squeezed me harder, pulling me closer to his chest. I wanted to cry to him all day, I wanted to tell him my every thought about him from day one. I wanted to tell him. I need to tell him. Can I tell him? So I started from the top so I don't forget . He needs to know everything.

"I hate you! Only not really, I want to know your secret, when you touch me I feel electricity." It all came out in one and my sobs were loud.

"When you didn't want to be my friend, I cried like a child, and I thought you were stupid and dumb!" I cried louder.

"I tried not to miss you, but I don't know what there is to miss. You make me emotionally tired, and I feel like hitting you when you ignore me. I wanted to think of you as nothing Edward Cullen." I cried as I gripped his shoulder for all dear life.

"But you mean everything, and I don't even know why !" I screamed into his shoulder, I even think I slapped his shoulder. I hope he understood all that nonsense, I couldn't recognize my own voice, its been so long. It felt weird attaching my thoughts to it. It felt new, and I don't know if I like it or not. But it felt like all this time I wasn't breathing, like all this time I was holding my breathe, and now I'm breathing… it hurts… but I'm breathing.. Its necessary. So I'll do it.

"Help me." I cried into his shoulder. He squeezed me tighter to his chest and I felt secure. I felt.. Safe. He knew I wouldn't let go of him so he lifted me and carried me in his arms, like a child. His arms wrapped around my waste, and my hands were still wrapped tightly around his neck. He began walking, towards the door, and I buried my head in his shoulder trying to stop my sobs. He didn't seem to mind, but I did. His scent filled my mind and in a way it soothed me. I even felt Edwards hand rub my back as I cried into his shoulder, as I tried to make all the pain inside go away. He began walking but I don't know where. I couldn't tell my head was buried into his shoulder, I felt his legs shifting from side to side, and muffled voices coming from somewhere in the background. I heard a door open and I heard Edward carry me in to the room. He kept me in his arms, he hadn't put me down. I didn't mind, actually I didn't really care, I'm in to much pain. "Bella breathe." Edward touched my hair, and I realized I was having breathing problems, I would breathe in, but nothing was coming out, my crying made everything worse.

"Bella breathe." He repeated more urgently this time, loosening his grip on me. I couldn't, I really couldn't, I put my hands in his hair, and pulled his bronze locks, as I tried my hardest to breathe. I was gasping and panting, and but I couldn't breath. Edward pulled me away from his chest and my hands went to his shoulders. He looked me in the eyes, there was panic in his eyes, worry concern. I prayed he wouldn't smile or look me to deep in the eye, because if he did… that would be it.. I would be dead. He picked me back up and walked over to the center of the room to where the bed was and laid me down.

"Carlisle. Hurry." Edward used in a normal voice, there is no way, Carlisle heard. As I laid there and looked at Edward who was laying over me, his hands on my face my hand on his hand. Sure enough Carlisle burst thru the doors, rushing towards us. Carlisle's cold hands went to my neck, to my chest, to my head.

"it's a panic attack." Carlisle told both Edward and I, even though I was panting and squeezing Edwards hand.

"You have to help her, Edward." He whispered to Edward. Edward didn't even look at Carlisle his eyes were on me the whole time, he didn't refuse, or ask how, he just knew. He rubbed my hand with his thumb.

"Calm her. Jasper is trying." I heard Carlisle tell Edward, and Edward nodded still staring at me. Still struggling to breathe, and still gripping Edwards hand for dear life. What did Jasper have to do with any of this?

"Shh. Bella. Its okay. I'm here." He put his free hand on my cheek, so much emotion in his eyes. His words made me cry more. He noticed and that's when I heard a sweet humming coming from his lips, coming from him. It sounded like a lullaby, but nothing like I have ever heard, something new, something I would want to hear many times more. Something, that made everything stop and everything slow, it was something that .. Calmed me. It was perfect. The world might have been spinning but, here everything stopped, here.. It was just me and Edward and that beautiful humming. I couldn't concentrate on anything else, but that sound, that sweet, sweet sound. My mind wouldn't dare wonder far from it, and I wouldn't allow it. I needed this sound.. This humming.. I needed, Edward, to pull me from everything else. His hand was still on my cheek while his other hand was squeezing my hand gently.

"Edward." I whispered at that same hardly audible tone, and I realized my breathing was normal now, and the pain had passed. All that was messing up my breathing was the way Edward was looking at me, and the humming. I hadn't noticed Carlisle leave the room till Edward stopped humming. And silence filled the air, maybe both of us were taking it all in, maybe.

"Bell I don't want you to hate me." Edward started.. I had said I hated him.. hadn't I. "And I didn't mean to hurt you… but I did. And I am so very sorry for that." He apologized to me, and I don't have to go deep into thought about if he means it or not, is saw he meant it, and I was speechless.

"Its just I was trying to protect you-" He stopped in the middle of his sentence and put his head down. I sat up and put my hand on his shoulder, his cold shoulder.

He looked up at me.

"I could hurt you." He growled. And I was taken back, how could he hurt me? By betraying me.. Oh yes that has happened before actually it has happened a lot. It happens everyday. Not just to me, but to everyone. That couldn't be it, he said he didn't want me to hate him. I took my hand off his shoulder and turned my body so I wouldn't have to face him, so I was staring at a wall. This was a different room, very pretty and elegant, a girls room probably. I tried to guess whether this room belonged to the blonde haired beauty or the dark haired beauty. Sandy's room was almost similar to this, it was going for the elegant feeling, but Sandy's was close, this room was perfect. It must of took hours to get right, maybe days. The border pattern was so specific and elegant, it looked hand painted. Maybe I made a mistake, maybe this was all wrong.. Maybe I wasn't suppose to tell Edward those things, I probably just confuse the poor boy, and now he wont have to confuse me. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't think I cant take that.

_-remembering- _

I remember that hot afternoon in phoenix, the AC in the school was out , ironically it was cooler outside than it was inside the school, so everyone was outside for lunch. I sat under a tree, with Ruth and Aurora. Ruth was quite in public now, the whispering hadn't stopped about her and her brother. The preppy cheerleaders walked by where we were sitting, and we all saw one of the girls look at Ruth and say "ew." We saw it and there was no ignoring it, the secret was out. Once they had walked away we began comforting her.

"Ruth, their all stupid, and immature." Aurora touched Ruth's hand in a sign of comfort.

"I cant take it anymore. Why would someone say something so stupid!" Ruth on the verge of tears put her head in her hands.

"You know they just need something to entertain themselves with something." I tried to comfort her. I still didn't get it either. Why would someone do that to her? I don't even think Ruth and Ryan have talked all month. It was sad, to me it was nice seeing her happy all the time, it sort of made me happy in a way. I could see Aurora felt the same, by the way she stared at Ruth sympathetically. I couldn't understand why someone would do that to her, why someone would spread a stupid rumor like that, a little rumor that may have changed Ruth's life forever. She probably hadn't talked to her brother Ryan for the whole month, I hadn't seen him around her, and at that moment he was all the way across the quad, sitting with his guy friends, who before the rumor were nothing compared to family. Ruth must have felt like she lost someone, because I could see the sadness in her eyes when she walked the halls, and I know other people did to. People would still look at her and stare to long, as if there was some clue on her body or face that would make the rumor about her sleeping with her brother Ryan true. I know it wasn't, Aurora knows it wasn't, and Ruth knew it wasn't. Any one in their right mind should have known it wasn't true. But no… bit by aching bit people began ruining her. I looked across the quad at Ryan hanging out with some guy friends who before the rumor were nothing compared to family. I looked back over at Aurora and Ruth.

"It all die down soon, next week, their will be something more exciting to gossip about, and everyone will move one." Aurora rubbed her back.

"You think?" Ruth murmured thru her hands.

"I know." Aurora smiled at her, and I remember that moment so well. Because I wont let my self forget it, it was a moment i promised myself not to forget. That moment watching Aurora desperately try to comfort Ruth, I was all of amazed with them. I know if I was in that situation, I would need that, and thankfully Ruth had that.

"She's right Ruth, everything will be fine, just hang in there." I smiled at her. She put her head up.

"Thanks guys." She wiped away some tears and picked up her sandwich and took a bite. It was peaceful, and we ignored the whispering people, because she had support and love, it was that easy.

"Bella!" Someone approached behind me, and I quickly turned and looked up. It was Jacob smiling wide leaning against the tree I was sitting under.

"Jake !" I smiled.

"Hey Ruth, hey Aurora!" He nodded at them with a smile.

"You guys enjoying the weather?" He asked us smirking, knowing it was much to hot. The three of us groaned and he laughed.

"Anyways I came to spread the early bonfire invite news, its in a few weeks, and you three are invited." He said to us.

"Their inviting slut-zilla Ruth !?!" Ruth yelled dramatically waving her hand sin the air, we all had to crack a smile. I turned back to Jacob.

"Well thank you for the invite." I smiled, I should have said no thank you for the invite I should have pushed it away and said no I have to study, or something like I much rather keep people alive.

"Okay well, see you guys later." Jacob smiled and walked off.

"Arg! I cant believe this! They can call me slut then have the nerve to invite me to a party !" Ruth yelled at her sandwich, but talking to us.

"You don't know who is planning it, and you don't know who ever is planning it is calling you a slut behind your back." I assured her.

"Humph." Ruth whined and took another bite of her sandwich. I let her be, because again I didn't get all of it, I didn't know the pain she was going thru.

"Hey has anyone seen Sandy?" I asked them realizing I hadn't seen her all day. She must have not came to school.

"I don't know and I don't care." Ruth mumbled with her mouth full.

"Nope." Aurora realized she hadn't seen her either . Then on Q, a loud bang came from the building doors, and it caught everyone is the quads attention, everyone looked over at the double doors, and saw Sandy tumbling out, with Tyler right behind her. She looked scared she looked panicked… she looked… hurt.

"Get away from me! Don't touch me!" She screamed at Tyler and began running towards us. You could faintly hear Tyler in the back saying "What are you talking about?" but no one paid attention to that, they all focused on the girl running frantically toward this tree, the tree I was sitting under. The three of us rose to our feet both startled and confused. She was running towards us in tears while Tyler staid at the Double doors confused. She finally got to us and we all gripped her, her breathing was loud, her hair was messed up , and she looked scared to death.

"What is it ?" We all asked Sandy at once, she was shaking and sobbing.

"Sandy what is it?" I pushed the hair out of her face, and she looked me dead in the eye and said.

"Tyler, tried to rape me." She cried, and I know everyone In the quad heard it, I know that everyone was watching. I looked passed Sandy to the double doors where I last saw Tyler standing, and no one was standing there. Rumor 2 Tyler, tried to rape Sandy, when he saw her walking the halls by herself. I remember, from that moment on Tyler was a sick perv that disgusted everyone. No one knew him as the nice Tyler before, everyone said it was an act, and one girl even said that's how rapist act. But I remember Sandy's face… she was hurt… and she claimed Tyler hurt her. And just like everyone else I believed her… I became one of the whispering people.. The people who ruin other people. Only if I knew, Sandy's lie's were just as good as her acting.

_-done remembering- _

"I want to go home." I whispered very softly, as I stared at the wall in front of me. "And I want Alice to drive me."

**A/N: I know its short but I promise the next chapter to be much longer. Please REVIEW it really encourages me to write more and it keeps the chapters coming faster, Tell me what you think.**

**-Danielle **


	11. Take me away

**A/N: Thank you to all my fantastic REVIEWERS! I really hope all of you enjoy this chapter. **

**I thought this chapter would never come together but it did , so enjoy.**

I waited for his reply as I stared at this blank but very beautiful wall. I heard no shifting, or no move meant what so ever. I heard nothing, and I didn't mind. I'm use to the silence. I heard someone enter the room, I didn't look to see, this wall was much more important to me.

"Bella?" Alice called, probably from the door way .

"Yes." I whispered, and somehow I knew she heard me and I didn't care how.

"Bella wants you to drive her home." I heard Edwards expressionless voice, and I imagined him gracefully getting up and walking past his sister and out of the room. Walking away, like he should. Then I heard footsteps walking towards me, matching my heart beat, but my eyes didn't leave this wall. Someone sat next to me and put there cold arms around me gracefully.

"Lets get you home." Alice rested her head on my shoulder, and I felt her warmth through her cold. I rested my head on hers, and a single tear went down my eye. Everything was still terribly wrong.

"Don't worry. Things will get figured out." Alice pulled away and wiped the tear from my eye. She smiled at me, and I tried to return a small smile. She laughed and pulled us both to out feet. She brushed my hair back with her hand.

"Only if you knew." She sighed, and confused me with her words, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get home and under blankets, and away from Edward Cullen and all of his nonsense.

"Lets get you home." She grabbed my hand, and soon we were in her car driving in the dark. She was focused on the road and I was focused on trying to identify the things flying past.

"You know he cares about you." Alice spoke to me, I looked over at her but she was focusing on the road. I shook my head and she somehow saw with out looking.

"I care about you." She spoke softly, her words carefully picked out.. Maybe to not give away much. I didn't get time to respond to her, she spoke again, her words still careful.

"Edward is confused Bella." Her eyes were on the road, but she looked like she wanted to tell me something, she looked a bit troubled, but once she noticed me staring a mask covered it an she looked perfectly fine.

"What do you mean?" I whispered this time willing to hear her, and my voice was hardly audible, but the feel of the words coming from my thoughts than put it to sound to roll off my tongue, was foreign. I'm not sure I like it. I saw her little surprise at me speaking, but it faded , maybe knowing if she acted to surprised I would just stop talking all together.

"Give Edward sometime." She half smiled, but I could see that she knew I'm not that easily convinced. I turned away from her and looked out the window at everything flying past, at the signs I couldn't read because we were moving so fast.

"No." I whispered., and I meant it. No I will not give Edward time… time for what? Time to walk away, he already did that Alice, he already walked away, after I spoke for him, it was for him I think. That explosion was for him, so he could hear and for a moment I was in his arms and nothing mattered, for a second everything was okay. But Edwards no good for me, because he walked away. I felt like sharing this with Alice, but it doesn't matter much. She didn't try to convince me other wise, she let it go because she knew I meant it.

"Would you forgive him if he said sorry?" I felt her glance at me. Why was this so important to her. I shrugged my shoulders. He wont say sorry because he is stupid, and ignorant. I hate Edward Cullen. I hate him. Just a few minutes ago he gave up on me, how would I forgive him.

"You don't want to talk about it." She whispered more to herself than to me. And she was spot on. I did not want to talk about it. She kept driving to where ever, and I really didn't care where we were going. I kept staring at things flying past trying to remember how things got so screwed up. Than I realized I didn't want to remember, we did that already and look where it got us.

"You know what, Edwards stupid, just let him be ignorant as he is, gosh ! He has to ruin this doesn't he !" She hissed In a whisper at her self. I had some questions for that, what exactly was Edward ruining… well other than the obvious, but it didn't look like she was talking abut him ruining his relationship with me, or hurting me beyond words to explain. She looked very angry, and a little sad, I wanted to know what in the world she was talking about, and once she looked over at me she saw it, but it was too late to ask questions because we were pulling up to my house. Pulling up to home. She parked in the drive way and I opened the door to get out, but she put her cold hand on my shoulder. I turned around and looked directly into her eyes, that held so much emotion anything she could say to me I would believe.

"Bella, maybe we could become good friends." But there was something else In her eyes as she said this, something she wasn't telling me.

"Friends share secrets." She whispered to me and I got it. I nodded and she took her hand off my shoulder and put both her hands on the stirring wheel. I got out and before I closed the door she said "See you at school."

'Friends share secrets.' her words repeated in my head, secret(s) meaning more than one secret. And now I'm sure the Cullen's were hiding something. I wasn't the only one in Forks with a secret.

I closed the car door and walked up to the porch, the light was on and Charlie must be worried sick about me, it made me walk faster to the door. I knocked and on my second knock the door flew open. Charlie's worried eyes were met with mine and I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"Daddy." I murmured into his shoulder, and his hand gripped around me tightly.

"Bella !" He rejoiced, squeezing me tighter, I could only imagine the look on his face.

"Bella!" He squeezed me again, and I squeezed back, but this time I started crying.

"Daddy." I cried to him, I wanted my daddy, someone to save me from everything, someone to show me its okay, to tell me I'm alright. And for what felt like the billionth time, I was picked up and carried to a bed.. But this time it was my bed. He laid me down and kissed my forehead, my tears weren't as strong as before they were weak and soft, because I had worn my self out. I listened to Charlie walk out of my room and close the door behind him. I heard the door click an I felt all the stress hit me, it hit me right into a deep sleep. A sleep I wish would forever hold me, because these dreams were blank and when I wake I feel like I actually slept.

But I stayed half awake for a while, trying to clear my head so I could have those blank dreams, but Edward Cullen was stuck in my head, I was remembering the way he touched me, he even kissed my forehead, he held me like he cared, like he really cared about me. It didn't look like he meant to hurt me. It really didn't… point is he did. He hurt me bad, and he knows it. I opened my eyes and I was still in the dark, and I was still breathing. I don't know what I see in Edward or why I think of him at all, I use to be able to just let things go, to just let them fly. But with Edward no, he is always the one it leads to or it ends with. I don't want to share anymore with him, he hasn't shared much with me, he never has, and I am forced to believe he never will. But Alice on the other hand. Friends share secrets. I didn't notice till now that I was still crying, soft tears into my blanket.

-remembering-

"Jacob Black stop!" I laughed as he chased me with a water balloon after school. Everyone had left, and the sky was turning orange and pink. I had stayed after school, to help with a banner for the dance with Aurora, but she had to leave and home didn't sound to appealing, so I sat in front of the school listening to the wind, feeling the soft grass in my hands and watching the sky turn darker and darker. Until, Jake busted threw the building doors water balloon in his hand, and an evil smirk on his face.

"Oh c'mon Bella!" He chased me along the grass, not giving up, not even once. He launched the water balloon at me and it busted right on my back, the cool water ran down my back, the breeze made the water even cooler, it sent shiver down my spine. I turned around to face Jake who was laughing hysterically.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I put my hands on my hips, and fought the urge to smile.

"You… didn't.. see… it … coming !" He pointed at me and choked out the words threw his intense laughter, I even saw tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard.

"Damn right I didn't see it coming !" I cracked a smile. Seeing him laughing so hard, made it hard for me to not laugh. I sat back down on the grass across from him, watching him laugh, until his laughs went down to just a smile. He looked at the sky then back at me, and began walking towards me. He sat right next to me with a sigh.

"Good stuff." He looked at me.

"Seriously, what in the world was that about. Its not everyday I'm randomly hit with a water balloon." I laughed, I enjoyed his sense of humor, I enjoyed being around him, with all the rumors going around.. It feels good just to breath, and laugh, and be absolutely ridiculous sometimes.

"We were on the roof, setting up lights for the dance and I saw you down here, I only meant to maybe scare you, but someone decided to have a surprise balloon fight so I thought 'hey, why not bring a balloon down with me' and so I did, and I don't regret a thing." He laughed at the end as he stared up at the sky.

"Oh yes, why don't I go scare poor Bella, makes sense." I imitated his voice poorly, he just laughed at me.

"It was funny and you know it." He rolled his head back.

"Hilarious." I answered sarcastically and looked back at the now pink sky.

"I'm your brother figure. Its what I do." I heard a smile in his voice and I smiled up at the sky.

"Big brother ey? Is that what you are?" I teased.

"Well best friend suits, but Brother suits even better." He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his chest, giving me a squeeze. I put my arms around his waste and returned the squeeze.

"I guess little sister, sounds pretty good." I murmured. We sat in silence, just enjoying each others presence, just watching the sky darken. I remember feeling safe, and put in place, like anything could happen, and I would take it calmly. He was so warm, and I felt so loved. I never had a sibling, I grew up an only child and having a big brother, even if he was just my best friend, made me realize how close and how valuable Ryan & Ruth's relation ship was, and all because of a little rumor, a stupid little rumor, their relationship was destroyed.

"Its nice to have someone to scare." Jake chuckled.

"Its nice to know someone enjoys scaring you." I whispered sarcastically, looking at the sky while resting on his chest.

"Do you have a fever?" I asked, feeling his warmth on me.

"No." He said.

"Why are you so warm?" I asked putting my hand on his chest.

"Because I'm Jacob." He sighed, and I slapped his chest.

We sat there at peace looking up at the sky. That's when we heard a gasp from behind us, we didn't bother to look, because it was probably that last of the students leaving school. It wasn't dark just yet, there was still light in the sky, and the sun was just disappearing.

"Some cheerleader probably dropped her pom-pom." Jake joked but I made no comment because it really wasn't important, at all, it was just some background noise, just someone talking about something, or doing something that involves them, not me. Because over here with my best friend Jacob, is where I am, being peaceful and happy. That is what was involving me. Later that day when I was at home Sandy called, she was still my number one best friend, I was just giving her some space I suppose, but we still loved each other to death. I was feeling quite cheery due to my early meditation with Jacob Black, I felt fine and at peace.

"Hello?" I spoke into the phone.

"Why hello there Bells!" Sandy giggled, and it seemed as if she was getting back to her normal self.

"Hello Sandy. What's up?" I asked, quite happy to have my best friend back

"Nothin much, juss a little bored that's all." she sighed and I could hear the TV in the background.

"Yeah same here." I sighed.

"Didn't you stay after school, for that dance decoration thing?" She asked while chewing something.

"Yeah, but I ended up sitting on the front lawn, by myself." I laughed at how lame that sounded.

"Why?" She laughed.

"Well Aurora forgot she had something to do so she left home, and I didn't want to go home so I stayed." I explained.

"How long?" She asked.

"Hmm, like pretty much the whole day ." I sighed.

"By yourself?!?!" She dramatically yelled.

"Well, no Jake was there most of the time." I laughed.

-it was silent.-

"What?" I asked her.

"Oh nothing?" She sighed.

"Sandy what is it?" I asked her.

"Oh nothing, just that you two seem really close lately." She hummed.

"He's like my brother Sand." I groaned.

"Are you sure about that?" I heard a smile in her voice.

"Yes _Sandy._" I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see.

"Okay, okay. But.. Does he just like you as his sister?" She asked.

"I'm pretty sure. He's just my best friend nothing more." I sighed.

-it was silent.. For a while-

"You know having a brother isn't all that bad, it felt nice spending the day with him. I can see how Ryan and Ruth did it, and it must suck now that they hardly talk." I spoke my thoughts.

"Well, Ruth and Ryan were pretty close." Sandy sighed.

"What is that suppose to mean?" I asked.

"Their really close, and things happen when your that close to someone." She murmured.

"Oh come on, you cant believe that crap! Its obviously a stupid rumor, that killed a very healthy and friendly relationship between brother and sister." I was determined to get this rumor destroyed.

"But we're not watching them 24/7." Sandy sighed.

"Exactly so how could someone possibly assume, they are sleeping together." I groaned.

"Maybe someone saw them." her voice was expressionless.

"Well I know its not true, and I hate seeing Ruth so angry." I grumbled remembering her rants at lunch that sometimes were hilarious.

"Yeah sucks huh." She murmured.

"So what about that Tyler thing?" I asked.

"What about that perv?" She asked angrily.

"I'm sorry he tried to do that to you." I frowned.

"Its okay, at least he didn't succeed, it was a lame attempt but still very creepy and disgusting." She made a gagging noise.

"I would have never guessed. Tyler." I sighed.

"Me either." She yawned.

"Well I'm pretty tired so I'll let you go." I yawned.

"Mkay, get some Z's." She laughed.

"Bye Sandy."

"Bye Bells." and I hung up.

The night was warm, with warm thoughts till I became the new victim at school, and that when it all started. That the first time people started to ruin me. I was walking down the halls the next week of school I was walking the halls, to my next class, when a bunch of jocks ran into me.

"Sorry Bella!" One of them yelled, and I smiled.

"That's the girl." I heard one of them whisper and I stared at him, with out them knowing I was staring.

"The one who slept with Jacob Black." He whispered to the other guy as he walked away, and I froze. No that's not true I felt like screaming but I was standing there frozen. Where did they get such insignificant lies? How? I felt like everyone in the halls was staring at me, talking about, laughing at me. That was the first time I spent the whole day crying in the restrooms. The first of many. Rumor 3. I slept with Jacob Black.

-done remembering-

I looked at the little light the moon was making in my room, and trying to focus on that, tried to not remember, what I have come too, and who I am. Because right now Ruth and Sandy are laying in their graves, right now, I'm the one to blame. I shouldn't have let things go that far. I ruined all of us, and I'm so sorry.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered in tears, a bit stronger than before. I wonder how they found Ruth, or where they found Ruth. How long did she plan this. If I stayed would she still be alive. If I stayed I would have been dead before her. Would I have started speaking? No. I started speaking because, Edward Cullen, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, it's the truth, and I know it. But does he. I put my hands over my eyes, as my heart broke. As I felt it shatter to pieces. I should have jumped. Right as I thought that I heard something hit my window. A loud click on my window. Then I heard it again, another loud click on my window.

I sat up and looked at it nothing was visible from here, what the hell was that sound? Then I heard the click on my window again and I got up from my bed and walked over to the window. The floor creaking with each step, till I got to the window. I looked up at the sky first, but I nothing like hail was coming down, so I looked down and I almost gasped. There on my lawn holding pebbles, staring up at me with those topaz eyes, was Edward. What was he doing?

Does he know what kind of trouble he'll be in if my Father wakes up. He was looking right at me, those emotions in his eyes, and I stared back down at him, my features softening just looking at his, and my legs felt like jelly, my heart was racing and again just looking at him made me want to say things, how did he do it I don't know. He was still staring at me, and he made no movement. My eyes felt watery and I realized I was crying. I wiped them away and I opened my window, and it made a slight squeaking noise, that was much to loud for the silence. I opened the window all the way and a cool breeze blew into the room. Edward was still looking up at me, and holding pebbles. I almost wanted to laugh at that.

"I'm sorry." He yelled quietly, I heard him, clearly. His sweet voice caressed my ear and I shivered.

"Me too." I mouthed. He looked down at the ground then back up at me.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." he quietly yelled again.

"I know." I whispered, and he heard me.

"No Bella, you don't know." He sighed. I tilted my head in confusion.

"Can you come out." He looked up at me his eyes sparkling. I looked at him than back at my bed room door. Its too risky to even try, than I looked at the tree, which I would not be able to climb due to my clumsy ness. Edward saw what I saw that I had no way out.

"Here." He said and walked closer to my window dropping the pebbles out of his hand, and standing right below my window with his hands out.

"Jump and I'll catch you." He said seriously, and I almost busted out laughing. I shook my head.

"C'mon Bella. Don't be scared. I got you." He teased a bit, and I wanted to stick my tongue out at him.

"Please." He begged, and my heart almost stopped. How does he do that? Next thing I knew I was falling threw the air, my eyes squeezed shut and my heart pounding in my chest. Then suddenly I was stopped and cold hands were wrapped around me, holding me close to his chest, I opened my eyes and Edward was looking down at me.

"See. I got you." He smiled, and I was just about to faint. He put me on my feet but left his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I have to admit I didn't mind, but I hated that I didn't mind.

"Bella." He started and faced me, only inches from my face.

"I know I could say sorry, a billion times, and it would mean nothing to you. But I am sorry. I have hurt you and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was just so confused-… and there were so many emotions- .. And when I heard you speak today it all made sense." H was searching for words, and I've never seen him struggle with words.

"Nothing makes sense." I whispered, looking down at the ground. Why was he even saying sorry, where was he going with this?

"Why are you even saying sorry?" I whispered.

"Because I cant live with myself, if I don't. and I'll have to live with out you which is even worse." He whispered the last part but I heard it and I touched his arm.

"What?" I asked looking into his eyes. We were so close, I could kiss him if I wanted to…. No Bella you don't want to.

"I know your keeping something from me, and you know I haven't told you everything either." He whispered, his sweet scent intoxicating me as always. My mind was going crazy, my thoughts were zooming. My heart was pounding and it was all I could here. I felt like it was coming to me, the answer I was looking for, the reason all of this is affecting me, the reason I feel weak when he smiles at me, or how my heart stops when he touches me, or how I cant thing straight when he's so close or how nothing else matters when he touches me, and how electricity run threw my veins when I touch him.

"I'm in love with you Edward." I whispered my eyes were wide my heart was about to pound right out of my chest. Edward's eyes were on my lips and I didn't care what was gong to happen next, I didn't care if he rejects me, and I don't care if he walks away because he's staring at my lips, and I feel our bodies moving closer.

"But I don't want to keep secrets anymore Bella." He continued, and his body continued to move closer to mine the electricity in the air was crazy. We were only inches apart, his lips only an inch from mine, I was staring at his lips.

"Secret number one. I'm in love with you Bella." He whispered and his lips touched mine, so gentle, so soft, so light, his hands went to my waste and my arms went around his neck lightly, our lips moving together in synchronization. When I pulled away I was sure what I wanted. I was sure.

"I want you to know- I want you to know what happened." I stuttered, as a tear made it way down my cheek.

"I want you to know, why this is dangerous." His eyes went from my lips to my eyes. And I gathered up everything I wanted to say in my mind, because I was going to tell him. He had to know.

**A/N: Please Review and tell me what you think, I rewrote this chapter like 8 times, till I finally felt I got it right, so please tell my how you like it. The more the Reviews the faster the chapters I think. **

**-thank you guys. Danielle **


	12. I'll tell you

**A/N: Well this was a fast chapter, thank you reviewers, I hope you enjoy. Please keep reviewing :]**

His words set my body on fire, his actions turn me to ash.

His hands were still on my waste, and I was looking down at our feet, my hands resting on his chest, the silence comfortable, but tense. Where to start Bella? How do you tell the story? How do you share with someone the death of someone, the day Sandy died, the day Ruth died, that day. The day Aurora, had to walk away, for her own safety, the day Jacob did the same. The day I became a murderer, while everyone else became victims. How and where do I start.

"I did something bad." I felt hot tears swelling up, I don't want to cry right now, and 'I did something bad.' was an understatement, I did something terrible, horrible even, I killed someone. I never thought I would share this story with a beautiful boy, who just confessed his love for me, in front of m house late at night.

"Its okay, you can tell me." He brushed back a piece of my hair, and I looked up at him, and his simple action, made me want to spill.

"I can tell you." I said more to myself than to him. His eyes looked warm, and liquid, distracting me from my thoughts. My mind went blank and I felt the sudden urge to blink.

"Bella?" His eyes changed to concerned, and I blinked back into reality.

"Hm?" I answered.

"You don't have to tell me today Bella." He whispered to me. I put my hand on his ice cold neck, trying to tell him I don't want to wait till tomorrow, what if I don't want to tell him tomorrow. What if I change my mind, that's happened before.

"I just cant focus with you so close." Mumbled, my thought, and a smirk appeared on his face. He unwrapped his hands from my waste and I dropped my hands from his neck, and I felt empty.

"Start whenever your ready." He nodded, and we both started walking, forward where ever that was, just the two of us walking, and I didn't hate him this time, and he wasn't being a jerk. He was being Edward today and I was being Bella, well as much as Bella I can be. His eyes were on me and I was staring ahead, still trying to think of the beginning, and how I'm going to say this. The dark gaped around us, but I felt somewhat safe.

"It was January." I looked at my feet taking one step than another. It still felt like something was missing. Then Edwards hand brushed against mine, so I entwined my hand with his, and he did the same, I even think I saw him smiling from the corner of my eye. We were now walking in the middle of the street, our hands entwined, and I wanted someone to paint a picture of this moment, of him standing here holding my hand in the middle of a dark street. It felt right. But I had to tell him what happened, that's all that was wrong.

"I had this fiend Sandy Baker. She's was a nice girl." I started, and I felt like ending, but he had to know. My hands were shaking a bit I hoped he didn't notice. Saying her name out loud, made me want to cry.

"She was so out going, she was the kind of person who did things just for the excitement." I grimaced.

"In kinder garden this kid didn't want to share the crayons, so she called him a jerk and took the crayons from him and gave them to me." I remembered that day so clearly.

"Hi I'm Sandy Baker she smiled, and I said Oh." I smiled at the memory.

"That's how I met her. Since that day we were inseparable." I looked over at Edward who was listening thoughtfully, his eyes still soft, and sincere, and for that I will go on.

"This one time, Sandy went to a bon fire with me and she didn't let me go into the water because she saw Jaws, two nights before." I smiled wider remembering her lecture, and Edward chuckled, his sweet chuckle.

"Yeah she.. Really cared about me, and watched out for me." I sighed.

"Those were the days. I had everything I could ever want. I had the greatest Best Friend, the coolest buddies, nothing could have ruined me… I thought." I sighed again, trying my best to hold in the tears.

"She was really great, but um things started to change, in January.. that's when her father left her mother." I remember the day I went to Sandy's house to see what she was up to, and the way she looked frightened me.

"How?" Edward asked, speaking for the first time since I began. I looked up at him and there was true curiosity there.

"Well, she stopped coming to school for a week, she had some strange attitude towards me, and she just stopped being _Sandy." _I struggled explaining, I hope he understood, he just nodded, waiting for me to continue.

"Eventually she snapped back into normal Sandy. And at that same time Evil Rumors were spreading around the school like a disease. The kind of rumors that ruin people's lives … forever." I shivered remembering.

"I'll give you an example. We had these friends Ruth and Ryan, they are brother and sister, and they are extremely close, but there was a rumor they were sleeping together. It ruined everything for them especially Ruth. Things were never the same for them. Then there was the rumor that Sandy was almost raped by sweet, nice guy Tyler. No one ever looked at him the same….." I paused remembering where I come along. Edward waited patiently for me to continue. My voice was shaky now.

"Then there was the rumor that I …. that I slept with my .. Best friend Jacob." I hesitated, I looked up at Edward who looked a little mad.

"No one ever looked at me the same. Because according to them, I was easy . Just a piece of meat. Guys would smack my but in the halls, girls who had feelings for Jacob called me a slut when I passed them. And worst of all Jacob stopped being my friend. All because of a rumor, a stupid, stupid rumor." I was pissed now, remembering the look on those guys faces when they said my name. Edward squeezed my hand seeing I was upset.

"I could have killed myself." I whispered.

"Please don't say that." Edward's voice was hard, but in a way soft.

"Sorry." I whispered even lower. It was silent, for a few seconds then I went on.

"Then there were other rumors that ruined other people, but I was just glad the spot light was off me for a while." I paused just to hear our breathing.

"I - I had forgotten something in the gym, and I over heard some girls talking." I paused again and my breathing was heavy just like that day in the gym.

"One girl called me a slut, and then some other girl, said she heard I was pregnant with his baby. That's when one of the girls said 'You're her best friend you would know.'" I gasped not intending to, it just sort of happened, I was feeling the anxiety I was feeling in the gym

"I couldn't see their faces because I wasn't even fully in the gym, but I took a few more steps in and it was Sandy sitting there with two girls." My breathing went back to normal.

"She was the one ruining other peoples lives…. Including her best friends life. But I didn't know what to do then, I was so confused so hurt, I went to tell Ruth and Ryan. And soon all her victims knew." I breathed out. It was getting harder to explain, but Edward was watching me out hands entwined, and he needed to know. He needed to know.

"So that's when we made a plan." I shivered remembering.

"The plan was… to spread a rumor about her. The rumor was her dad left because she's pregnant, and the rumor was big hit at our school. Everyone knew, everyone repeated it day after day. No one wanted to talk to Sandy and I played along, like I didn't know, it really ruined her…. It was just to show her how it felt and the second part of the plan was…at the big party that was coming up.. We were suppose to put her in her place, let her know we know she had been spreading dirty rumors, and we were suppose to do this in front of everyone. That's all. That was it." I breathed the last part.

_-explaining/remembering-_

"So the day of the party came, and the whole school was there. I walked up to her and shoved her-

"What the hell Bella?" She gasped.

"How could you do this to me?" I yelled, I was so angry with her, I let it all out. I wanted her to hurt like me.

"Do what?" She acted innocent.

"You were the one who started all those stupid rumors, god your such a low life!" I yelled at her, and I thought I meant every word.

"Your crazy Bella." She laughed at me but no one was laughing with her.

"No Sandy your crazy. Why would you do that? Why would you go and ruin things like that?" I asked her but once she realized we knew, that we all knew and every body at the party was watching she didn't say anything.

"I thought we were friends! You don't spread rumors saying your best friend is a slut ! I talked to you Sandy I said me and Jake, were just friends. You didn't like that did you? You want all the attention!" I screamed, I was so mad. I held everything back for so long and right then I was exploding. That's when I started saying things I shouldn't.

"Is it because daddy's gone?" I asked her looking her deep in the eyes._**" **_

_-back to regular explaining-_

I looked over at Edward and he was still listening, my heart was pounding in my chest, I really didn't want to go on. I didn't want to talk about what happened next. I repeated to my self that he had to know.

"She ran from the party and Ryan told me to go talk to her, so I chased after her and we ended up at the bridge." I paused to calm my breathing.

"She yelled at me called me a bitch a slut, she told me things I never thought my best friend would say . I started saying things I should have. I said stuff about her dad, about how I hate her and I told her about the rumor that I had spread about her. She said she was surprised such a dull person could come up with something so colorful. It was just a lot of yelling, just a lot insults that hurt me and hurt her. That's when she jumped on the edge and started balancing. I told her to stop, I told her I didn't care what happened to her. That's when she started scaring me and saying stuff, she started yelling and screaming at me, and then she…." I couldn't hold back my tears, they were falling freely and Edward and I had stopped walking, it was helping my breathing.

"Then… before she said it was my fault and jumped off the bridge." I the tears were running faster.

"Everyone turned there back on me and blamed me for the whole thing, everyone hated me, they left mean letters at my house, threatened to kill me, and I went by 'murderer.' for a while. I had to leave so I came here. And a few days ago Ruth killed her self. That's what I was suppose to do… but you stopped me." I was shaking, not from the cold but from every dreadful memory, saying it out loud was even worse. Edward pulled me into a hug, my head resting on his chest, his hands on my waste again, my hand on his chest again. The shaking stopped immediately. I couldn't hear his heart, probably because my heat beat was so loud. Held me , and I let him. Maybe he's worth holding on to.

"Bella please don't try stuff like that.. Like jumping of bridges,.. Again?" He whispered into my ear.

"Why?" I whispered into his chest, I honestly wanted to know why I shouldn't try it again.

"Because I need you here… with me." He whispered and I let my mind wrap around that, let my feelings sink into that. I gripped his shirt with my hands, now I need him, things will never be the same. We stood there my head on his chest his arms wrapped around me and now he knew. Now he knew now, and now I know he needs me. The wind was soft, the street lights were dim, and it as silent, only our breathing was heard and it was soothing. only our light breathing. I heard maybe birds moving in trees, but nothing else. Nothing else mattered.

"As you can tell my family is different." Edward started, and I had forgotten it was his turn.

"And that's because we are." he paused, and I listened to his breathing as he spoke, he seemed very hesitant. I wouldn't act to surprised, I should have known.

"We're vampires." He whispered to me, and I pushed against his chest, his arms loosened around me, and I pulled back enough to look him straight in the eyes.

"I thought we were being serious." I whispered, and he just stared at me.. Looking dead serious. Vampires? Really? Never once have I thought twice about vampires. What kind of vampire was he, the only thing that fits is the very pale skin.

"I'm serious Bella." He was staring at me, but as if he was waiting for something.

"What?" I asked looking up at the sky, what in the world was he talking about.

"My family and I are vampires." He repeated one more time.

"Yes, explain please." I bet I was looking at him like he was crazy, but he looked serious.

"I know its hard to believe, especially compared to all the ridiculous stories of vampires." He sighed. "But yes there are vampires."

"How?" I was shocked now, but my voice was small.

"Well vampires feed off of humans, but my family feeds off of animals, there are only few who are like my family." He looked directly at me as he spoke, not one blink at all.

"That's why this is so dangerous Bella. Your blood smells so good to me, it takes my every ounce of strength to hold back from attacking you." He looked down ashamed and I stood staring at him.

"That's why I was ignoring you, not that I didn't like you, I knew for fact I was in love with you, but I wasn't sure I could control myself…" He paused and his expression went soft but then right back to hard.

"But I know now, that I love you to much to ever do that." He sighed. I walked closer to him and rested my head on his chest again, like I was before, and slowly his hands went to my waste pulling me closer to him.

"Your not going to run?" He sounded surprised. I was surprised I didn't run.

"Vampire." I mumbled. Breathing in his scent. "Am I too close?" I froze with realization.

"No your fine." He chuckled and I relaxed. I would have never figured that out on my own. Never in a million years would I think vampire. I should have known, no one human could be this perfect.

"What's so special about vampires?" I murmured, trying to make sense of everything.

"Well…." He began and I was suddenly very interested. "Some of us have gifts."

"Like?" I looked up at his neck.

"I can read minds." he said and I froze. "All except for yours." He sighed.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, I talked to Carlisle about it, and there's still no perfect answer." He explained. I was absolutely joyous he couldn't read my mind, but the reasons why ran thru my head, was there something wrong with me? Could it do with my speaking problem?

"Alice can see the future." He stated and I tried not to be surprised, but my heart was pounding and I still didn't understand, and I wanted to. Edward could be an alien for all I care, I'm in love with him, and that's that.

"Did she see me?" I asked looking up at his neck again.

"Something like that." He murmured and I let it go, I would ask all my question later, I'm still managing my problems.

"And Jasper can control and feel emotions." He continued, and I remembered during my panic attack, they said Jasper was trying.. To help me….. Poor guy.

"Then there's the super strength, speed, and hearing we all have." He shrugged. Speed? I would explain why Alice and Edward drive like maniacs. But vampires? I would have never guessed vampires, my mind isn't that colorful. Sometimes I think I even see in black and white.

"Aren't vampires suppose to live forever ?" I asked, remembering some of my vampire history, my voice a bit shaky. What was I suppose to do here, was I suppose to run away? Probably. But i don't want to . Should I believe him? Too late I already do, I have a feeling he's not lying to me, I actually feel he is being truthful and I am trusting him to be honest. This could be a joke. But he would never do that, right? He's not that low.

"We do." He sighed.

"Forever is a long time." I mumbled. It was silent again and I was getting tired but I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want. He can tell me anything he wants, and I'll accept it now. He's trusting me with his secret like I'm trusting him with mine. Vampire or not, everything's out. So I believe him. And I wont keep all my questions in for long, but tonight that was it.

"I think your secret wins." I whispered and he chuckled lightly.

**A/N: Please Review. **

**Thank you**

**-Danielle.**


	13. When will i learn

**A/N: Thank you all my reviewers ! I appreciate it ! Enjoy.**

I am lost in your words, I feel your presence in my nerves, the world just stops as I learn, I'm in love. I never stopped to listen , I never walked away, I never said I didn't, but you guess right away, I never left you hanging, or maybe I did. Now we both know, we have both grown. Take your time, I know where I stand, the wind wont change my path, go on, I'll stay because life has changed but those dark and gloomy days are still here, but some how, I am floating, with you, and somehow I am falling deeper, and somehow I want more to find. I am lost in your words, I feel your presence in my nerves, I know I have a lot to say, but so that you will stay… I love you.. I do. Death wont make us part your engraved on my heart, and this is just the start. I'll find a way so you can stay and forever will stay this way. I am lost in your words, I feel your presence in my nerves, I know you feel the same way to, but just so you know… just so you know…. I love you.

-DanielleJasperCullen.

Haven't I seen this from a distance before, haven't I seen this expressed before, but the feeling so much different from viewing it from there. Never have I felt what I feel with Edward, and I'm scared to even think I feel it. My alarm went off, and I began thinking yesterday was all a dream, because that's what it seemed like. I sat up and put my hands on my eyes, and yesterdays events flooded back, and I laid back down. Everything was still horribly wrong, but something could actually be right. Had he said he loved me too, had he kissed me, had he held my hand? Had he said he was.. Not human, had I held on to him anyways? Had I tried to kill myself, and had I spoken? Had I told my story? I hear a knock on the door, that made me jump an inch high, my thoughts had bin running 100mph. I jumped out of the bed and ran down stairs to the living room, the knocker hadn't stopped knocking, it was giving me a headache, I groaned and opened the door and I took two steps back when I realized who it was.

"Aurora." I whispered my hand touched my lips gently, feeling the warmness, but it was a gesture of shock . She looked nervous, her eyes glowing with something I couldn't quite see, an emotion she was trying to hide, but hid poorly.

"And Jacob." She looked behind her, and I saw Jake in the distance, he was still tan and tall, maybe a little muscular. Aurora looked the same, but it looked like she hadn't slept, and had been crying maybe. The day was gloomy and looking at the 2 of them standing in front of my house made it even gloomier, all the things we went threw were washing over me, I couldn't quite make sense of what was going on, all I know is the pain was awfully strong. The wind blew and her hair waved in the wind gently.

"Bella." She smiled a shaky smile as her eyes began to water, she walked closer to me, taking a step in my house, while Jake stayed where he stood, staring at me with unsure eyes, I had to look away before I began sobbing. He never looked at me with those eyes, and I never wanted him to be unsure, I wanted him to be sure, I wanted him to look at me like he used to. But the point is their here, their really here, and so much different then my mind remembers them. I looked back at Aurora, and I couldn't help myself when I threw myself in her arms. She wrapped her arms around me, and I softly cried into her shoulder. Time was something I wasn't keeping track off, and I didn't know how long I had been away from home, but I knew it was way too long to keep from Aurora. I felt her chest rise and fall with each cry she cried into my shoulder. I closed my eyes, to keep from looking at Jacob, reuniting with him would only be harder. She was quite as was I, the only thing you could here was our cried and I didn't mind, I much rather cry than explain, just hugging her was hard.

"I'm sorry, I believed them, I should have known you could never." She sobbed, and I felt my cried become harder.

"It wasn't your fault." She cried and I cried. She released me from the hug and I let go of her. She stood in front of me tears rolling down her cheeks, her eyes studying me.

"Same hair." She touched my hair with a small smile.

"Same eyes." She smiled.

"Same blush." She smiled with a weak small laugh.

"Same old Bella." She sighed, with satisfaction and looked behind her at Jake and then back at me.

"He misses you too Bells." She sniffed and I nodded, I miss him too. She moved out of the way, giving me a full view of my former best friend Jacob Black. I wanted to say words like, I miss you, where have you been, can I hug you. But nothing came out, its as if I was silent again.

"I'll wait in the car." Aurora patted my shoulder and walked out of the door, she whispered something to Jake then continued past him to her car. I watched her for a moment, as she looked out into the forest, and tried to think of the last word I said to her, the last thing I remember saying to her. I tried to focus on that but Jake spoke.

"I miss you." He said and my eyes went to his, I walked closer to the door where he was standing, I walked till I was face to face with him. We use to stand this close to each other, no tension at all ,just brother and sister love. But that was all destroyed

"I miss you too." I stuttered. Folding my arms across my chest.

"You know I feel the same way Aurora does." He tried to convince me, but he didn't know that I was already convinced.

"Its been so long." I whispered, looking at my feet.

"Way too long." I saw him nod from the corner of my eye, but I still felt that tension. It went silent and I could hear his breathing, my foot was taping against the door frame, and Aurora sat quietly by the car.

"I just want my little sister back." He sighed and I looked up at him, his eyes almost pleading.

"I want my brother back." I sighed and he reached out and pulled me to his chest. I didn't hesitate to return the hug, I put my arms around him, and gave him a squeeze, I couldn't help but cry just a little. He hadn't hugged me like this in such a long time. I cant remember the last time I heard his heart beat or, felt his chest rise and fall against my cheek. I will cherish this moment forever, he was the first love I found in anyone else other than my friends and family, he earned a special love.

"I love you." I cried into his chest.

"I love you too." He patted my head, and I remember he use to always do that.

"Ruth wanted to see you." He whispered to me and I froze.

"How do you know that?" I stuttered.

"She told me, I talked to her a day before her death." His eyes were getting watery, and I wanted to wipe those small tears away.

"Bella how are you?" He asked suddenly, and I looked for the right words to explain but I couldn't.

"I don't know." I shrugged holding back tears. "How are you Jake?"

"Not too good." He cried softly, and I let my tears go, I let them ruin his shirt.

"Jake I'm so sorry ! I ruined everything!" I cried.

"No Bella you didn't." He sniffed. "I should have stood up for you but I didn't."

"You didn't have to do anything, and you wouldn't have to do anything if I hadn't had killed her." I cried into his chest.

"You didn't kill her!" He raised his voice and it made me cry more.

"Yes I did." I mumbled.

"No Bella, you didn't." I felt him shake his head as I continued crying. This was it, this was what it was the past, this was us breaking, together, for one last final time. This was us trying to explain pain, but when the words run out, tears form, and everything is so much more complicating. I wish I knew! I wish I knew this could happen that I could be in such a situation. I wish non of it happened, I wish she was alive and breathing, I wish everything was back to normal. I wish , I wish , I wish. But when I open my eyes nothing has changed.

"Things are so different now Bells, people don't act like people anymore. They just walk around angry that they have no one to blame, they just kick rocks and yell. No one looks no one in the eye, and everyday someone speaks her name in the halls, she's still alive in phoenix, they wont let her go." Jake had a frown in his voice.

"Everything sucks, everything is disgusting, and ruined, and to think it would have been all perfect and it was all perfect, you were there for me, Aurora was there. We loved each other." I cried.

"If anything Bella, I'm sorry., I'm sorry for turning my back on you when you needed me." He patted my back.

"You don't have to be sorry." I murmured as he held me and I cried. He smelt good, like he always does, but he looks as lifeless as Aurora, and I cant imagine how Ryan must look. Jake was so warm, I couldn't even feel the cold from out side, he was just so loving like so happy all the time, and to see him like this could really kill a person.

"This is nice." He kissed my forehead, and patted my back, as I took in this moment.

"I miss this." I sighed.

"Aurora wont say much to you. This is really hard for her." He mumbled.

"I know." I sighed.

"She's trying her best to show you she cares for you, but she just might break down any second." He explained, and I felt more tears coming.

"When you left, she was going to do what Ruth did.. But I stopped her." He whispered.

"Oh god." I sobbed into his chest, as the pain in mine struck me.

"I know, I know." I heard tears of his own forming.

"Things just got worse when you left" He sighed.

"What happed to Ryan?" I was absolutely worried about him.

"He uh, he, he's leaving town." Jake cleared his throat to hide tears but I knew he was crying and it was okay.

"Is he okay?" I knew he wasn't.

"No." exactly.

"Everyone knew Ruth was going to do it, she started defending you when you left." He sniffed.

"What?" I asked, not believing this.

"She would yell at people who said you murdered Sandy, or tell off someone who mentioned your name." He murmured. "She missed you a lot."

"I miss her." I cried holding on tighter to him.

"We all do." He sniffed.

Then he pulled me away from his chest and reached into his pocket. Then looked behind him at Aurora.

"Aurora doesn't know, but Ruth wrote this." He looked back at me, and I looked at the letter, what was I suppose to do with it?

"Its for you." He held out the letter, and I almost gasped. She wrote me? My heart was beating fast, and my mind was drifting in the past. A tear rolled down my cheek and I grabbed the letter.

"Bella you need to read this now." He sighed, and my eyes shot back up to him.

"Your staying right?" I asked, my voice shaky, he stared at me, then shook his head .

"Why not?" I almost cried, he walked closer to me putt his big hand on my cheek.

"This isn't good. Us seeing each other isn't good." He mumbled, and I was angry.

"Why not." I stared him dead in the eyes.

"Because things wont be the same, and we have to leave. Its just more pain on you." He sighed and I felt more tears coming.

"So your just leaving?" My voice shook more now, he nodded, he removed his hand from my cheek and Aurora came running up, she gave me a great hug.

"I love you, please know that." She whispered in my ear while I stared at Jake.

"I love you too." I cried.

"I'm sorry we have to leave, I don't want to… but we have to." Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I don't want you to either." I bit my lip to keep from sobbing. "Thank you for coming to see me."

She pulled away and stood closer to Jacob.

"Bye Bells." She said and Jacob grabbed her hand. They must have become pretty friendly, maybe the break up between everyone else set off some sparks. I'm happy for them. I know they both deserve it.

"Bye Bells." Jake said and the both began walking away. I watched them hand in hand walk away from me. But I get there visit. They came to say hi to see me, to tell me they love me, and show me, that I am loved, to show me their okay and that I'll be okay, I slowly closed the door and once it was shut I put my back against the door while the letter from Ruth shook in my hand. I have to read it I repeated to myself as I slowly unfolded the paper, so I could see the paper was fully filled with beautiful cursive. It had a heart right on the top, a perfect heart. The letter read:

_Dear Isabella, _

_Today is the day, today is Sandy's birthday. She would be turning 18, and we would probably be throwing her an extravagant party for her, with everything she ever wanted, because we simply adore her. Like she adored us remember? I do. I know you will never get the chance to right me back, since their will be no more chances after today, and only I know that. I haven't seen you, I hope you are speaking now, you should have so much to say Bella, you should be yelling at the world, telling people to shut up, and standing up for yourself. Trust me I wanted to stop them, when they did all those things to you, but I didn't, and that makes me no better. That's why I'm doing this today. Since Sandy died everything has changed, our view on life changed, our relationship changed, we all individually changed whether we like it or not, we all became murderers Bella. You were not one though. I believe you were not a murderer, because you didn't know she would jump Bella, you were doing what I want you to do now, defending yourself. You were making it clear that it wasn't right to do those things and never have I seen you as strong as you were that night. But its all of our faults still, and just because you took the blame, it was even harder because you took all of it, every single bit of blame that could have been divided in between the group that was involved was washed all over you and for that I am sorry, terribly, terribly sorry. So this letter is for you, and I wont write letters for anyone else, I just need you to know some things. Things like I love you Bella, I care about you still, your still my best friend and I hate seeing you the way I last saw you. I wish I could see you smile and I wish I could hug you, but the point is I cant and I never will be. Bella please know, I wish you the best and I want you to speak again, I want to hear you laugh at my stupid jokes and I want you to know why I'm jumping off that bridge today. I'm jumping because, Ryan isn't my brother anymore, I have no family, I'm jumping because both of my best friends are gone, I'm jumping because things will never get better for me, but they can for you I know they can. You have a great future, and you should value life, look at it as a gift live it for both Sandy and I. I'm running out of time so I will have to cut this letter short. _

_I love you Bella. _

_Live long and happy for me. _

_Both Sandy and I would want it. _

_Love yours truly_

_Ruth. _

My hands were shaking and tears were everywhere, all over the letter and my knees. To think, I almost gave up. I'm so weak. Another sob escaped my lips, and another knock was on the door, I quickly stood as steady as I could, my breathing was heavy and my hair was a mess, all I could do was wish it wasn't Jacob and Aurora, I don't want them to see me like this. I walked slowly to the door tears rolling down my cheeks, my heart pounding. I finally got to the door and opened it slowly and Alice stood there her arms out ready to hug me, and I didn't hesitate, I went right into them, and she wrapped her arms around me, and I wrapped my arms around her.

"Alice." I cried, but it didn't sound like a question. She must have saw this in one of her visions, and I'm sort of glad she did. I cried to her until she pulled away and took my hand. She closed the door with the other one and led me to the couch. She sat both of us down and gave my hand a squeeze.

"You can tell me everything." She smiled, a sympathetic smile. I nodded and started crying again, and she reached over and pulled me into a hug.

"Since I already know what happened how about some hot chocolate?" She smiled a sympathetic smile.

"Sounds good." I laughed softly. She released me from the hug and got up and walked into my kitchen. Put in only a second she was sitting right next to me again, and I heard the microwave going already. I guess my expression spoke for it self.

"Vampire." She smiled. "I'm so glad we don't have to keep secrets anymore." She sighed an patted my back. Edward wasn't kidding when he said super speed.

"Yeah." I mumbled with a little smile.

"We are going to be really good friends." She smiled and I smiled back.

"Even I know that." I smiled. Glad that I could talk to her. She made me feel better by just being here, I'm glad she came over. The microwave beeped and she walked human speed to get the hot chocolate and back. She sat it on the coffee table in front of me.

"There you are."

And for the rest of the hour we talked about school and the vile Mike Newton, she told me almost everything about being a vampire and her family. She was so happy, so witty and exciting to listen to, I enjoyed it. She helped me forget about things, and I learned so much from her. I knew I would like her, and I knew we would be good friends, and now that I know I am hopelessly in love with Edward it seems even easier to talk to her for some reason. Everything we both said just came naturally, she didn't force anything out of me, she let my answers be short and simple, she let it be silent for a while with out making it awkward, she let me be Bella.

"Where's Edward?" I had asked her.

"Hunting." She sighed.

"Does he know you're here?" I asked her.

"Nope. And he doesn't need to, he will just about freak out if he knows you were crying." She smiled. And it felt sort of nice to know he cared so much, but I'm glad he doesn't know.

"I mean I freaked, but I thought it would be the perfect chance to bond." She flashed another smile and right then I made a mental note for my garden. The next flower would be daisies, to remind me of friendship, Alice. They would go right next to the roses.

"Oh and Carlisle said your on suicide watch." She grimaced knowing I wouldn't like that.

"Ugh." I frowned.

"Don't worry Edward will be watching you." She giggled and I felt my spirits brighten just thinking about him made my heart skip a beat.

"Look at you, all in love." She laughed and I blushed a deep red.

**A/N: Remember to REVIEW! Thank you guys. **

**Love ya Danielle. **


	14. Life

**A/N: There you are my friends pleas Review and tell me what you think :]**

_Disclaimer: I own nothing at all._

THE NEXT DAY.

I walked to the door, my hands fidgeting, my heart racing. Alice said Edward was picking me up today and I haven't seen him for a whole day, and now he's at my door knocking, when only yesterday Jacob and Aurora were knocking and then so was Alice… and now Edward. This knock was different. I put my hand on the door knob and slowly turned it, the door unlocked and I pulled open the door, to find Edward standing there, a smile so perfect it should be legal on his face.

"Hi." I whispered.

"Hello." He took a step closer and put his hand on my cheek, cold against hot. I felt myself blush. I stood on my tip toes to move up closer to him and he bent down to move closer to me and our lips met. I loved the feeling the spark that came along with each kiss, was so intense, so strong. We pulled away and I grabbed my bag off the couch, really quick and put my self in Edward's hold, his arm was around me and I felt safe, I felt love.

AT SCHOOL.

Everyone dared stare this morning, even people who never stared before, were staring now. Edward's hand held mine as we walked the halls, Edwards hand would simply touch me and Jessica would just about explode with jealousy, and then on the other side, every time we touch, Alice just about jumps with joy. But right now everyone is staring as we walk to lunch. Edward stood behind me as we waited in line to pay for lunch. The guy in front of me looked like he was deep into thought about something, and I was curious. I turned around to face Edward.

"What's he thinking about?" I whispered and gestured to the guy in front of me.

"You." Edward whispered, but I heard the anger in that. Anyone listening could. I turned around to face the back of the guy who was thinking about me.

"What about me?" I whispered to Edward so low I couldn't even hear but he did, because he leaned in and whispered.

"You don't want to know." He whispered and half growled. I spun back around to be face to face with Edward, and I gently put my hand on his chest.

"Rumors?" I whispered.

"No." Edward answered shortly, but his eyes met with mine and they went soft, and I felt angry at the guy in front of me for making Edward angry, its silly but true, and I didn't like him thinking about me, whatever he was thinking. So I turned back around and hit the guy in the back with my tray 'accidentally.' He turned and blushed when he realized it was me.

"Nicely handled." Edward chuckled and I blushed.

"Bella?" Jenny's voice gave my a headache, I turned around and Jenny was peaking from behind Edward, I looked at her waiting for her to say something, what was she waiting for, she looked lost, maybe confused.

"Was.. That you speaking?" She asked, and I deliberated. Edward didn't turn to look at her, he simply kept his eyes on me waiting for my answer, I sighed and shook my head, letting Jenny know that wasn't me whispering.

"It sounded like you." She mumbled and I turned around to face the front. I felt Edward hand rub my back gently, supporting me I suppose. I also heard a squeal from across the cafeteria… Alice who had seen the little exchange. I had to roll my eyes at that.

"Excuse her." Edward mumbled. It seems everyone was trying to get my attention today trying to figure something out, but what little do they know. I cant even figure myself out. They should really stop trying, and staring. Jessica is glaring at me, and so is everyone else at her table. Nothing I'm not use to, just something I hate. After waiting in line to pay for our food, Edward led me to a table in the far corner, some what similar to the one his family sat at in the other corner. He sat rather close to me, I didn't mind, I felt protected from all the stares. We were facing everyone, and every one was facing us, how funny, even people beside us were facing us. I scooted a little closer to Edward, his hand rested around my chair.

"What are they thinking?" I whispered to him. He chuckled at my question, and paused for a moment like he was thinking, but he's probably listening. I had an Alice moment for just about a second, I thought 'How neat my boyfriend can read minds.' Yeah time around Alice can do that to you.

"Hmm, most are trying to figure out if you just whispered to me." He murmured to me.

"Eh." I looked up at him asking him with my eyes if their was anymore thoughts.

"Jessica wonders if we kiss." Edward chuckled, and I blushed, and looked down at my hands. His cold hand move to my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

"Should we show her?" He smiled, and I just about melted. He leaned in and I leaned in and our lips met, so gentle so sweet. Both our lips slightly parted, and I believe I heard another squeal from across the cafeteria. I suddenly heard the cafeteria go silent, but I didn't care, I smiled wide at Edward, the biggest smile I have very smiled in such a very long time, and his returning smile, was perfect. That's all that mattered and I don't care if everyone is staring, and I don't care if Alice might explode with joy, and I don't care if Jessica is super jealous, I just don't care. Because right now all I can care about is Edward Cullen, my love and I'm starting to think my life.

"I love you." He whispered, and my heart skipped a beat. Her heard and smiled wider.

"I love you ." I whispered back and his hand rested on my knee. Edward looked away from me and glanced around the cafeteria, and so did I. Just like I had guessed every one was staring, I mean everyone. Except Jasper who was trying to contain Alice. The day went on in this pattern, Edward would touch me just the slightest and the school would go silent, I ignored it but I couldn't understand how Edward could read all their minds and not go insane. I often would turn to him and ask what someone was thinking, and I thought I was becoming quite annoying.

"Am I getting annoying?" I whispered staring up at him as we walked.

"No." He chuckled, smiling down at me.

"Are you sure?" I played with my hands.

"I'm sure." He smiled wide, and stopped my hands with his.

From school, we had to go to his house, part of me being on suicide watch was having a daily visit with Carlisle, and since he was off today, I would be going to the Cullen's home. I think seeing Carlisle would be nice, but I don't like the idea of being on suicide watch, I like to think of it as a daily visit. Just to say hi and bye. I can say though, having something to look forward to everyday , distracts me from my usual thoughts and worries. Edward helped me forget, and I couldn't ask for more, but not only does he help me forget, he helps me move forward, and smile. He makes me want to say things, although I have decided I only talk to Edward, family, and friends, no one at school should even care if I spoke or not, they would survive with me being silent. The ride was short, and I was sort of nervous for my appointment with Carlisle, I really don't know how to explain why I wanted to end my life correctly. I could probably think it perfectly but saying it was a whole different story for me.

"Ready?" Edward asked as we walked up to the front door. I took a few deep breaths, and then nodded. Edward led me inside the elegant house, it was quite, but I could see by the car outside everyone else had beat us home. Edward led me to the living room, and only Jasper sat on the couch reading a book. Jasper looked up from his book when we walked in, giving us a greeting smile, I couldn't help but return the smile. After all I have no idea who Jasper is, or how he acts, just that he can control and feel emotions.

"Why don't you have a seat while I go talk to Carlisle for a minute." Edward said to me, giving my hand a squeezed. I nodded, let go of his hand and walked to the couch, sitting at the opposite end Jasper was sitting at. Edward gave me a nod and then raced out of the room and upstairs to Carlisle. I patted the side of the seat gently, trying to erase the awkward feeling, running threw me, and the curiosity. I looked over at him, and he was still quietly reading, but he felt my gaze and glanced at me from the corner of his eye. I quickly looked away as if I wasn't looking at him. I head him sigh. Great now I annoy Jasper. I sighed also, but then realized it sounded like I was mocking him, and I mentally hit myself for that. I looked over at him just once more time, and again he looked at me from the corner of his eye, and I looked away. I heard his book close, and guessed he was leaving. I would leave if someone as annoying as me was sitting next to me while I was trying to read.

"Hello, I'm Jasper." He spoke, and I think I flinched in shock. I turned to face him and sure enough his hand was out for me to shake. I hesitated but responded before he changed his mine.

"I'm Bella." I smiled, and he returned it with his own smile.

"You talk to me, does that mean you like me?" He smiled,.

"Yep it does." I laughed.

"You seem a lot happier than when you were last here." He nodded at me.

"Things have changed…. and thank you for trying.. To help." I hope he understood what I was saying and the look on his face said he did.

"Anytime." He grinned.

"You know you don't talk much either." I noted. He nodded in agreement.

"Your right." He considered it.

"Why?" I asked out of curiosity. He had to think about it for a moment before answering.

"Usually I have nothing much to say." He shrugged.

"I considered you a mystery." I gave him a small smile.

"I consider you a mystery as well. Feeling safe around vampires?" He teased.

"Vampires seem to be much better then humans right now." I laughed.

"Yes you would be my favorite human so far." He smiled, I considered that and accepted it. It would do . Jasper seemed very nice, I never expected to find myself similar in any way, he just seemed so quite and to himself.. Then that's usually what I was like. Edward came from downstairs, and I got up from the couch.

"He's ready for you.' Edward grabbed my hand and began leading me up the stairs to Carlisle's study.

**A/N: What do you think? it's a bit short but that's only because I wanted to give you guys what I have so far, so I update faster.**


	15. How it is now

**A/N : AH! DONT YELL AT ME ! WAIT LET ME EXPLAIN. okay see i'm going on vacation, and i dont know when i will update, or if it wil****l be soon, plus this chapter was suppose to be in the last chapter. so here you are. KEEP REVEIWEING FOR MORE. THANKS GUYS. :]**

**_disclaimer: I own nothing of twilight._**

Carlisle, sat across from me, his hands playing with his pen, and I sat there, playing with my hands. Edward stayed outside. I didn't mind being alone with Carlisle, he was a good person.

"So as you know your on suicide watch, and Edward has agreed to 'watch' you." Carlisle smile slightly and I nodded.

"Do you feel comfortable enough to speak to me ?" He asked some hope in his voice.

"Yes." I nodded.

"Thank you." He said satisfied.

"Anything new?" He asked shifting in his seat.

"Edward, is my boyfriend, Alice, is in the process of making me her best friend and I just became friends with Jasper." I smiled slightly at my accomplishment.

"That's nice. Are you finding it easier to communicate?" He put a hand through his hair.

"Yes, I would say." I rubbed my arm.

"Does Edward make it easier?" He tilted his head.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"How?" Carlisle asked truly curious.

"I… I .. I don't know. I just know I love him." I tried to explain but I seemed to fail. I couldn't explain why things seemed so different with him around, why I felt like the sun was coming out for the first time, or why I wanted to say so much to him. I could only guess the reason was that I love him.

"He's such a great person.. Er vampire. Or whatever. He like to listen to me, I never thought someone would enjoy knowing what I was thinking but, he listens to me. I like it. I love it actually and I could say absolutely anything and he still loves me. Its.. Its… its , well, amazing. I feel better, things feel like they are becoming clear, like things are starting to make sense, like they should be. I cant forget the past Carlisle, and I'll always think about it. But I have him. I know he isn't going anywhere." I smiled looking behind Carlisle.

"Well that would be the most I think I have ever heard you speak.." Carlisle smiled satisfied, he seemed really happy about this. I was on a roll.

"And of course thank you Carlisle, for helping me. You could have gave up on me, but your still around and .. Just thank you. It means so much to me. If it wasn't for you and your family I would have been a wreck.." I thanked him, with the most sincerity. He looked touched.

"Thank you Bella, I already see you as my daughter, and I'm so glad you are getting better." Carlisle reached out and put his hand on mine. And I took in the moment, the feeling. The feeling of being accepted no matter how messed up my pat is, or how many people I have hurt. I felt like some part of the old me was coming back and maybe it was already back. Things felt better.

"How's school?" He asked sounding like my father. I smiled at that.

"Good. I don't like a lot of the people. But they don't give me trouble." I smiled.

"Good." He nodded.

"And any thoughts of suicide lately?" Carlisle was going back into doctor mode.

"Nope." I grinned satisfied.

"Fantastic." He scribbled something down on the paper in front of him then looked back at me.

"Well, I don't think there is anything else, you can cut your visits down to once a week. I can see you don't need me daily." He smiled and we both stood from our seats. I walked over to him, and he held out his hand for me to shake, but I ignored it and hugged him. He was a bit hesitant but then put his arms around me and gave me a squeeze.

"Thank you, Thank you. For everything." I murmured and he released me from the hug. I walked over to the door.

"Bye." I said and closed the door behind me.

"Hi!" Alice squealed appearing out of thin air. I put my hand to my chest.

"Alice you scared the crap out of me." I breathed.

"Oh sorry." She smiled apologetically.

"Its okay." I smiled regaining my composure.

"I'm so glad your feeling better." She pulled me into a hug and I hugged her back satisfied.

"Even better, you and Jasper are friends." She smiled wider if possible.

"Yep" I laughed.

A/N: You promised not to yell at me, i know its really short, but its just you know its goes along with the lat chapter. I'm sorry. PYT by Michael Jackson is on though!:] REVIEW PLEASE.


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